A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a pretty confusing place in terms of my sexual identity, so I thought I'd ask for some advice.In everyday life I identify as heterosexual, and to pre-empt the confusing aspects of me, this isn't out of denial or fear of being gay or bisexual. I literally fawn over women constantly, it's impossible for me to leave my flat without at least one woman catching my eye and me wanting to be with her. Unfortunately I've never been the most social creature, so I never got into the dating game... I have slept with four women, and loved the experience. They were escorts though, so in terms of self-confidence all I've got is one girl who made out with me in a club and an ex I never got very far with.Anyway, despite this I've found myself spending a good deal of time whilst online looking into "feminisation" fantasies. That is, being dressed like a woman, wig and all, either for purposes of being humiliated by women in a femdom style (although generally with everyday girls as opposed to actual dominatrix types) or to get with a guy, generally in the mindset of attractive women having talked me into doing it. Now, I never find men attractive, speaking romantically and for the most part sexually too. Certain aspects of identifying with the female role and doing the things they do sexually (mostly oral) does turn me on, at least in terms of thinking about it.Anyway, last night I tried it with an older guy who is associated with the sex industry (it was a mutual meet over the net though, not a paid meeting). The actual sex aspects were enjoyable, but only due to the female role I took on... I did try this sort of thing without any cross dressing a couple of times and found it boring and unpleasant, using female-centric pornography on a laptop to keep me going. However, this time I did really enjoy myself, and it became a full blown one night stand with me sleeping in his bed dressed like a girl. I was convincing too, I think being mistaken for a girl a few times in the past in public has added to this, along with a general anxiety over not being masculine and assertive enough to seduce "real women". Anyway, so now I'm not sure where I stand. I'd never date a guy because I've never met a guy I found attractive. This guy was good, but as I say, only for this one specific fantasy. He had a female flatmate who is also a sex worker apparently and the thought of that turned me on/intrigued me a lot, a sort of vague hoping she'd wander in, catch me dressed and decide to experiment with me too. Thinking about it, being a "lipstick lesbian" appeals more than being a "sissy", by a great deal as far as this fantasy goes... But even then when I like girls generally, I never think about cross dressing or being feminine with them at all, I'm pretty heteronormative in my attitudes to them. One of the escorts (they were all independent and I researched to ensure they were doing it for the right reasons, btw, and it's legal in my country) even commented that I was quite dominant sexually.So I guess I'm wondering if I accept this is just one sexual kink I have that is cool to explore safely when I'm young and it's discrete, or... Well, I guess I feel kind of ashamed, like the heterosexual part of me is threatened by this one fantasy, as if if a girl I dated found out she'd lose interest and find me sexually unappealing as a man, or as if by having done this and being really femme during (looking in the mirror during dressing I'd probably be able to pass as a girl completely, definitely not a bearded builder in a wig) I've created a mindset where I'll be too effiminate in real life and the cute girls I ultimately really wish I was with, either for casual dating or something more serious, will just overlook me for the more manly guys in the bar.I guess I'm also wondering if trying to become more masculine is the answer (working out, growing out my facial hair etc.) or if I can be slightly more androgynous and still successful with women. It worked for Bowie, i guess!Any advice would be much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I am sure that your Doctor may be able to refer you to a specialist counsellor who will be familiar with the issues you are facing.
I know it is not easy getting that counselling as promptly as you reall want.
So I am also including some interesting links from the NHS site as some of these linkss look promising, even though not all will apply to your unique set of circumstances.
Regards
Abella
Here are the links:
NHS Choices links
• Bullying: where to find help
External links
• EACH: support if you experience transphobic bullying
• Gendered Intelligence: for young trans people
• The Tavistock and Portman: services for children and young people with gender identity issues
• NHS guide for young trans people
Getting started
• The Gender Trust: for anyone affected by gender identity issues http://gendertrust.org.uk/
•
GIRES: research on gender identity http://www.gires.org.uk/
•
• Find local gender and sexuality support services
• Transgender experiences: NHS leaflet for trans people and their families
• Living My Life - information for trans people (PDF, 1.77MB)
A
female
reader, AuntyAunt +, writes (4 October 2012):
 'Well, I guess I feel kind of ashamed' - don't feel ashamed of yourself. You are who you are, people can and will accept you.This question? It's all down to you. Do you think you need to move on from this? Or are you willing to accept yourself for who you are and what you enjoy.You need to figure out exactly who you are and decide which sex you're into.. maybe even both? Have you ever actually had strong feelings for a person or been in love? Instead of just seeing them as someone you're attracted to and want to have sex with. Which sex could you actually see yourself having a serious, loving relationship with?The most important thing is that YOU figure out who you are and what you want. When you know, be yourself. Even if you feel threatened by who you discover, remember there are people out there who will easily accept you.Best of luck!
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