A
female
age
41-50,
*arpediem
writes:Hello, I'm looking for help regarding my marriage and would be grateful for advice from people who may have gone through a similar situation. My husband and I have been together 12 years, but only married for 3.5 years. Less than a week before we married he had a fling with my closest friend (also my bridesmaid). The wedding went ahead, without me knowing about the fling, and I found out about 2 months later. I tried very hard to forgive and forget but couldn't and we just lived day-to-day, both growing increasingly frustrated because I wouldn't let it go. We thought we'd try and work through the problems and celebrated our 1st anniversary in the Far East. The months went by and we visited the Far East another 2 times. Over the last 2 years we have grown more distant in terms of a physical relationship and haven't slept in the same bed (or had sex) for 18 months. A year ago I got the opportunity to work in the Far East - a job I adore. I have now returned home to try and sort out our relationship one way or another. I have told him that although I still love and care for him, I am no longer in love with him. My life has changed. We try to talk about the problems but never get far. I know I want to go back to the Far East but need to make the break final, rather than just run away again. I just don't know how to do it. I have been depressed for quite some time and have lost complete confidence in myself, which is why I can't find the strength to move on. Please can someone help me?
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anniversary, confidence, depressed, move on, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): As the other Aunts have stated, recover, get your spirit back and go for that divorce. You do owe that to yourself. You can forgive him but it's true, you won't forget. You sound like a lady with great pride and dignity so I want to tell you...I am so sorry. How disheartening for you, that your husband allowed the onset of this marriage to be borne out of deception and infidelity, by cheating with your best friend just before the wedding. When I hear this sort of thing, I am remiss to say ...in all likelihood--this was probably not his first time. (re: betrayal with others or her) Do you feel that may be a correct assessment? But it doesn't matter now.
Be strong and look after yourself here. You have a career, you are self-sufficient. It sounds like, in spite of the difficult marital discord..you a have some big positives in your life. And looking after yourself, is a big plus. Keep looking after yourself and your future. Continue on that path but with one change. Call a divorce lawyer and get some advisement. You need to be guided here with the process. But please, just get on with your life and find your own happiness. You are in this throes of angst and indecision because in spite of your husband's cheating..you feel saddened and could be grieving the inevitatble loss of this marriage. That means you were strongly committed to making this long term relationship go the distance. But it takes two people. And he messed up. Accept that and move on. Many people are like that and when the relationship sours, they have such a hard time saying good bye.
He's still there..he sounds stuck. Don't do that to yourself. It's time to change yourself, get back your confidence and be responsible for your own happiness. Focus on you..focus on being the best positive person you can be.
Good luck and please, remain strong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2009): You will not grow any confidence by staying put you will just spiral downwards - I speak from experience that you have to throw yourself into something and you will get the old you back in no time. Try this - stop thinking about your relationship, stop thinking about the problems in fact start only thinking about yourself. This will seem hard but for example what are YOU going to achieve today? What do you want to buy for yourself. Do you want to get a new haircut? Do it. What are your goals in life? Write them down. Do you like walking instead of driving =- then do it! Start 'allowing yourself' small things and this will help you help yourself. Each day you do only things for yourself your confidence comes back. I have not tried one but the experience can work brilliantly - find a qualified life coach if you can afford it. Some even work through emails. Someone who can champion you and your goals and who will get you back on track in a professional and non-judgmental way. You simply must not give up this chance in a lifetime of going back to the location you love and start your life again. I have a question... If you had known about the fling before the wedding day would you have gone through with it? Knowingly put yourself through all this? You have been incredibly strong so far and have tried but the fact is you cannot respect a man who lied to you and deceived you in such a cruel way. Each time you look at those wedding photos (or I imagine you don't want to) then you are reminded of it. Its time to set yourself free because you don't have to serve an emotional prison sentence for a crime you didn't commit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 July 2009):
 To forgive is not easy. Not by a long shot. But, you will HAVE to forgive him NOT for him, but for yourself.
Understand and accept that what he did is NOT your fault, you didn't MAKE him cheat. That is all on him. HIS choice, HIS actions.
Once you realize that it has NOTHING to do with you, forgiving and letting it go is easier, I know because I have been there.
And once you realize that his actions is what caused the rift between the two of you, it will make it easier for you to move on. I think you have to admit that you don't trust or love this man anymore, and honestly I can understand you. Being cheated on is no light matter, but being betrayed by TWO people so close to you is really a hard blow. Let it go. For you own sake let it go. Put him and your maid of honor in the past.
Get a divorce and make a fresh start. He isn't the ONE for you.
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