A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:I've been struggling w/this for years w/my dad. My dad does love me, I do know that. When it comes down to me, he has always been negative w/about 95% of everything. For the last 10 years he has been convinced that I'm overweight and will be morbidly obese one day. Right now I weigh 120 pounds and I'm 5 foot 4. I have never had an eating disorder and I never stress eat, quite the opposite I can go a whole day w/out eating. He will tell me I will end up like person a who is an obese slob, person b who is a hoarder etc. I have had moments in life where needed a kick in the butt, but this never helped, actually just made me depressed and more unhappy. My sibling was also disciplined, but in a more "you can do way better then this" way. I have started to try to ignore what he says as whatever outcome he would come up w/never came true. One time he told me my life would be so bad that I would do drugs, I've been drug free my entire life. He used to bash on my looks as well, saying that other girls had looks to go by, but I don't. I've never bragged about my looks or pretended like that was my only talent. Is there anything I can do to become desensitized to this treatment? Ever since the life lectures have stopped (hours of how my life is total nose dive), I have healed a lot, but every once in awhile my dad gets all serious talking about how if I don't change my attitude I will end up like _____________ (person whose life is a train wreck).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2017): There is a surprisingly large group of us who receive constant unfounded criticism based on some perceived flaw (physical or mental) from one of our parents. Probably many people on here can understand something like what you are going through. I think Youcannotbeserious has the best advice that the best thing to do is walk away when he starts. I try to do this with my mother too. Although there will be times when you engage in fighting I am sure, because the temptation will be there when he acts like that. You have to come to a painful understanding where you know he will not ever give you the love or understanding you deserve, but that you will love him in a way regardless (and it seems like you already have this figured out- so good for you). Make friends who go through similar issues and vent with them. As you already know, you are nowhere near overweight, nor even chubby. He is delusional, and women are supposed to have some fat on their bodies, and most men like that very much.I think there has to be inner issues from parents like him. Maybe he is projecting terrible unhappiness within himself onto you. Maybe he had issues in childhood. Or maybe he IS mentally ill with a form of OCD or depression or something like that, and his compulsion is again projected onto you. He seems to enjoy making you feel scared about how your life might go. I think it probably makes him feel powerful and in control to give you these dire predictions. I know how it feels. But he will never change. He will probably never empathize either, as he has turned that part of himself off, or else he wouldn't do this in the first place. You must try to distance yourself, but have him in your life in the way that you can, and yes sort of put up a wall against the criticism. Stay strong, you are doing great.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2017):
 Ah dear, your dad is delusional or has dementia or is abusive. I would check that with your therapist. If you don't have one, time to get one! Speak to your doctor, explain the situation and ask for advice and a referral.
Start a diary of all your interactions with your dad. You may need it someday when his actions and decisions are so bizarre it'll be necessary to ensure he's legally protected from elder abuse!
So let go of the need to have him understand how harmful his words are; instead, focus on learning the difficult lesson that the only person you can control is yourself. It's not a satisfying comeuppance nor a much wished for awakening, I know, but the best you can hope for from him is that he doesn't do more damage.
Now that you are aware of his negativity, you can choose how to respond.
The healthy response is to take control of your own well-being!
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Phil052  +, writes (21 July 2017):
 This is tough to live with, and only you can do something about it by telling your dad how he makes you feel. This can be done sensitively but firmly, so that he fully understands. If he accepts he has been too hard on you and changes his approach, you two might get on a whole lot better. I wish you well in resolving this issue x
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 July 2017):
 I found that, as an adult, the best way to deal with my mother (who always picked fights) was to walk away when she was behaving in this way. It took a few goes but she eventually realized that, if she picked a fight, I would simply pick up my stuff and leave (even if I had just arrived at her house). On my next visit, I would act like nothing had happened and we would start again. If she "behaved", I would stay and help her with whatever she needed help with. As soon as she started picking a fight, I would walk out and leave until my next visit.
What was your father's upbringing like? Where HIS parents harsh on him? Perhaps he knows no other way to "parent". Even though he is different with your sibling, it may be because you are the older child that he has higher expectations of you and feels he has to be harsher on you. He may be doing his best - poor as that is.
Do you still live at home? If so, can you find a place of your own so you can limit contact with your dad and have somewhere nicer to escape to? If you have already left home and only visit, perhaps visits can be scheduled when others are around so that his attention is not solely on you and so that, hopefully, others can give you moral support? You could always try changing the subject when he starts to criticize you, or simply walking away. You don't have to stay and listen to him if he upsets you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2017): You're a full-grown woman now. You don't have to passively listen to criticism from your father without respectfully cutting him off, and offering your rebuttal to remarks that aren't true, or hurt your feelings. If you come-off too timid, sometimes parents are trying to toughen you up.
If they still see childish-tendencies you never grew out of; it concerns them, while you're out facing the world all by yourself. They can't help being overprotective sometimes.
Even to the point of being down-right mean and irritating!
If you're pushing 30, and still single; they try and figure-out what may be keeping you from finding a mate. Sticking their ever-loving-noses where they don't belong. Your dad just assumes your weight might be one reason. He isn't intentionally attempting to hurt you; he's goading you to lose weight or change your appearance. That's from a man's perspective.
Your father is due respect as a parent. He doesn't get a pass at breaking your spirit, and destroying your self-esteem. Back when he was a kid, parents used a different rule-book for discipline and motivating their children. It was more like a drill sergeant, headmaster of a boarding school, or a football coach; or all combined.
Harsh criticism laced with insults and name-calling. It did more harm than good; and got the opposite results they were aiming for. It worked for some. Instead of strengthening their children, they alienated them or drew resentment. The first thing their kids do is grow-up and move-away. Only to return when they're on their deathbed, or to see what's left for them in the will. Movies are made about it.
You are now mature enough to stop him and say "Dad, that's quite enough. I know you mean well, but for a long time you have really hurt my feelings and made me feel really bad about myself. Please stop! I won't allow this anymore. Do you understand?"
He will be shocked, even angry. You have to set boundaries. Your weight and appearance as a full-grown woman is now your business. His days of monitoring your behavior and making rules are now over. You've been too passive and intimidated to remind him you're an adult. I know in some ethnic or religious-households, cultural-tradition might not allow for this from a daughter. If you're American, bring him into the 21st century.
By the way, don't blame him completely for your issues with your self-esteem. People have to learn that how we feel about ourselves is up to us. Parents have full-reign when we're kids; but some places they can't go unless invited, when we're adults. Once you're out of their house, you face the world on your own terms; and how much you want to cling to the past is up to you. Parents are only people, and they will make mistakes and say the wrong thing. It should make you stronger; because the real world is a lot worse!!!
Inform Dear Papa that you love him, but his endless and boundless criticism has really hurt your feelings for a long time. If he can't stop it, your visits and time spent with him will be less and less. His welcome in your home might stop altogether. You could use some of his praise and encouragement, that helps too! If you're living under his roof, it's time you move out! You're prolonging his hierarchy over your life!
Getting things off your chest before your parents die is empowering and frees the soul. There are too many pill-popping wimps lying on couches and whining, spending tons of cash on money-hungry therapists; when all they have to do is stand-up and be adults. Confront your siblings and parents about the crap they're piling on top of you! If they don't get it, get the hell away from them. At least you gave them a piece of your truth and got it off your chest. What good does burying it and absorbing it do?
People rebel as teenagers for all the wrong reasons, and show blatant disrespect when parents are totally correct. Yet back-down when their parents are out of line. As if
they allow it because they're so respectful. No, with or without criticism, they hate themselves. Their parents are only part of the problem.
The only time people stand-up to their parents is when they're in-love with someone their parents totally disapprove of. Then they pullout all the stops and bring-out the big guns. Well, there are other times when that's necessary.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (21 July 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I do not want to cut contact and I'm trying my very best to desensitize myself from this situation. I have vowed never to speak to my children like that (If I have any). I just wish he knew how damaging it has been for me and if I ever tried to tell him how I felt, he would say I'm being sensitive or that I need that kind of "guidance" in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2017): How sad for you.It is ok to cut people out of your life who abuse you.What he is doing is very serious emotional abuse.Please go talk to a therapist to get your self esteem back. You are not responsible for your dad's mental illness.You might say he is not mentally ill but from the way you described him he for sure is.I have 3 children and 1 who is your age and I would never in a million years say the things your dad has said to them. If you live with him move out asap you deserve to be treated well.I am sending you a hug.You are strong.You will get out of this ok.You are a good person.You are not fat you are actually pretty thin and I really hope you do not develope a eating disorder.Stay away from your dad and heal.It will get better.Surround your self with people who treat you well.You will be in my thoughts...good luck.
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