A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm the same person who asked about a guy wanting YOU to tie HIM up, or whatever the question was titled...And now I want to know how I can get more confident to tie him up and do stuff with him, since I'm not a confident or outgoing person. I don't like to take control at all, and I don't know how to either. I have no clue about ANYTHING like that, but everyone said it's something a lot of guys like and that I should try it, so I want to know how I can do this and be confident and good and outgoing or whatever.please help, and thank you!Mod note: This is a follow-up question from Here Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 April 2012):
 I would also suggest you start out slow, don't expect to be super good at from the get go or not feel a little awkward, but try and look at from a "let's try this and have fun with it" perspective. But only do what you are comfortable with.
I can do Top, but I could never be rude,degrading, mean like some people envision a Dominatrix to be. It all comes down to the person. So figure out what you can do and what you can't. He can either accept that or go fly a kite.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the info, especially honeypie. Mabye he will be ok with a bindfold if we ever do stuff like that, and if I have to be the top.
thank you everyone for helping me. This has really been confusing me and stuff for a while now.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 April 2012):
I would also suggest you blindfold your partner, it is much easier to pretend being someone you are not, if they can't look at you.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (2 April 2012):
 The term Service Top should be pretty self explanatory.
In BDSM, A 'TOP' is a person who takes on a Dominant-like role of "giving sensation and/or pleasure", but is not a person with a Dominant personality. You are SERVING that person by acting as their TOP. It's a temporary arrangement that extends only as far as the physical intimacy/sex happens, and ends once the intimacy stops.
One of the things that may help you feel -muuuuch- more comfortable is having an agreement between you two called a "safeword".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safeword
The link I shared above will tell you ALL about the Safeword. You two should think of a word to use between you two in order to control when you should slow down and check with him (like Yellow), when to IMMEDIATELY STOP (red!) and when everything is okay (green). The "Traffic Light" system is extremely commonly used in BDSM circles as the go-to Safeword for many people. If you don't want to use the Traffic Light system, you can pick a silly word like "Lemon" or "Abraham Lincoln" as your safeword. It honestly can be anything!
That will give you the confidence you need in order to move forward, if you two talk about the proper useage of the safeword. And also please understand that the Safeword is not JUST for the "bottom" or submissive, Tops and Dominants are also free to use the safeword, if they're not feeling comfortable or "right".
In the end, you two have to trust each other, communicate openly, and be willing to make mistakes and learn. Sex is never perfect, and 'kinky' sex takes time to make great. Be willing to make mistakes and grow together. Wikipedia has a wealth of knowledge about BDSM and the topics like Topping, Safewords, and the motto of BDSM "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". Read, research and learn.
Good luck, and happy kinky sex.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 It's about pretending to be dominant or playing the dominant role, even if it doesn't come naturally to you. You'll have to find out exactly what he wants (step by step) and then do it (as long as you're comfortable doing so).
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncould you tell me more about a service top? Idk if i understand...
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (2 April 2012):
If you really want to please him, ASK HIM EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO DO. Then do it. You don't have to be loud, or dominant, or aggressive. You can please him and be submissive. Since you don't have a Dominant personality, you can't be Dominant, but you can be what's called a "Service Top". That is a person who enjoys making other people feel good and feel happy, even though you're not a Dominant person, sometimes you take on a Dominant role *in order to make them happy*.
Talk to him about what he'd like you to do. Then do it. If you make a mistake, no big deal. You both are human and you both are hopefully mature enough to not expect it to be perfect.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, we can talk pretty openly. We like to do stuff like tell eachother what we want to do if we were with eachother, since we live a ways away, we can't always see eachother.
That's how this conversation started, us talking about sex. He's not like, totally into BSDM though, he just likes handcuffs and being in control, but also apparently me being in control too....
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (2 April 2012):
That depends on how much priority one places upon sex and what is considered 'good'. Sex without BDSM can be 'good'. Whether the relationship will work out depends entirely on how you and your boyfriend sort out these issues and assess your priorities. Are you able to talk openly and frankly with your boyfriend about sex? Communication is really important, you know! It's the key to any relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not asking like that. I know he wouldn't do it just because of that, but I'm wondering if it's true what they say, a relationship can't work if the sex isn't good or something...
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (2 April 2012):
If he leaves you because you're not into kinky sex, OP, then he's really not worth it. A person who truly loves you will accept you for who you are and not push you into doing anything that you don't enjoy or feel uncomfortable doing. You're not abnormal. A very large number of people like ordinary sex (or 'vanilla' as the kinky crowd would call them). Nothing wrong or abnormal about that. Just tell him honestly that you're not into BDSM and that's it. If he loves you, he'll come to terms with it. If not, you'd be better off with someone else, though I know it won't be easy at first.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think.... If I can't do it, there's still hope for me and him relationship-wise?
I just want to try and understand this for him, since he's said before that he wants to be tied up...
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 April 2012):
OP, in these situations there is a dominant and a submissive partner. If two people are submissive, then this isn't going to work and you're not going to enjoy it because you're not that type of person that is really going to be comfortable with what they're doing.
I don't know exactly how far your partner wants to take this, but there are those who just do it for play here and there and there are those that are way into it and it's basically a subculture.
If it does not turn you on to dominate your partner then you're not going to enjoy it and neither will your partner. Not trying to burst your bubble or anything, just trying to guide you in the direction that some people are just submissive and some are dominant. You can always give it a try and you might turn out to like it, you're just psyching yourself out.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you janniepeg, but I'm just not the kind of person to just...do what I want. I do what others want to do, unless it makes me uncomfortable or jeapordizes my values....
I'm also not an adventurous person in bed either, if that helps, or gives you more info on the real me... :(
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 The whole thing is to be done playful. It is as simple as tying a knot and having your way with him. It means not asking questions whether you are doing it right. You decide what feels good to you. He is all yours and you can do whatever you want with him. It is for your pleasure. Don't think of it as changing your personality. You can be a loner, a gentle flower yet assertive about what makes you happy in bed. You can blindfold him, tickle him with feathers and drop candle wax on him. You are in control also with what his sensations will be and that's the fun part.
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