A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 23 years. I am exmilitary and have always been a striong secure male. My wife had a bad childhood and throughout our marriage has pushed me away every couple of years. I have tried to make her stop and realize she doesn’t want to lose me many times. At our 10 year point an old FWB, from before I met my wife, wrote me a letter because she was in a divorce. My wife called me at work and asked to open it. I told her she could, I have nothing to hide. The woman made it clear she didn’t know if I was still married or not, but if not did I want to get together. No matter what I did after that my wife assumed I didn’t love her and wanted to leave her for this woman. She totally pushed me away for the next year. I made a big mistake by talking to this old friend. But as time went by I got lonelier and started talking to the old friend. I was an ear for her going through her divorce and she was my ear for dealing with my wife. I had to go away (1000 miles) on a business trip to near where my friend lived. We talked; she tried to convince me to leave my wife. Hadn’t had sex in months at this time, so this was very tempting. But I love my wife and as a child of a divorced family, mother divorced twice, father on 3rd wife, I know I can make things work, so I didn’t jump ship. But she convinced me to have a heart to heart talk with my wife. Subsequently during the heart to heart talk my wife refused to believe I didn’t cheat on her, but at that time I was able to get her to realize she didn’t want to leave me. To do that I made a huge mistake during the talk, when she refused to believe me and insisted I had sex, I eventually just agreed, but told her I couldn’t finish because I didn’t love the other woman. She accepted that and since we’ve been back to the old normal of good times and bad (her wanting to distance herself from me every couple of years)Now my wife is going through a midlife crisis. She was feeling old and my compliments didn’t alleviate her self image problems. She also started to push me away again. I wanted her to feel secure talking to me about her feeling so I have been very open, supportive calm and never critical when she would talk to me. She started telling me about the young cook at her job and felt guilty about flirting with him. She said how it made her feel good though, so told her it was ok to flirt, if it made her feel better about herself there wasn’t any harm in that, she shouldn’t feel guilty. She started losing weight which also help her feel better about herself. Well over time she starting telling me she had a crush on him, but he had a girlfriend etc. Long story short from she has said many things that make me question how far she took this crush. Since then she started to fall back in love with me again. She told me she “I realized I don’t need him anymore” Things had been great but then the day after Christmas she decided to go to the bar with a girlfriend while I was working nights. She tried to hide why she chose an out of the way bar saying it was just someplace different to go. Days later we talked and when I told her that only locals go to that bar, she told me she would have been safe because there where her cook friend goes, but when he wasn’t there she left. All I care about is that she loves me and wants to be with me as I have always had. But now I am having a very hard time. She intentionally deceived me and still works with this guy. I make more than enough my wife doesn’t need to work. We had a recent talks and I confessed to the lie about the one night stand explaining how she pushes me away, which acknowledged and she said she would never cheat on me and never had, but almost did 3 times. I told her I don’t care about the past. But if she did I need her to admit it and leave her job.My only sounding board had been that Old FWB, which I of course had to stop talking to. I don’t know what to do to get past these feelings. I don’t know how to tell her I don’t think she is being truthful and need her to not be around him.
View related questions:
at work, christmas, crush, divorce, flirt, insecure, one night stand Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): I din't go to my old FWB, she contacted me. I realized that was douing more harm than good and haven't spoke with her again (over 10 years ago now).
My wife is already in therapy for depression. I asked her about going with her to counceling for us, but she says she can't handle that right now.
So how do I approach a talk to get her to find another job or just not work and enjoy our lives together? She's currently in a "I love you" mode, so I think I can work with her, but looking for advice on how to do it without pushing her away. Should I go talk to her therapist for advice?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): How about instead of going to your old FWB for support, comfort and "advice", you go into counseling instead and use a therapist for that. You do need emotional support and advice, but you're choosing the wrong person to go seeking it from, and you know it, unless you want to intentionally self-destruct.
Apart from that, your wife has issues, she is determined not to trust you or believe you. the alienation you feel, is of her own doing. I don't see her changing anytime soon if she's been like this for 23 years already.
I think it's time that you and your wife go for couples counseling, because it seems that everything you have tried on your own (the "DIY" approach) has not worked or has dug you deeper into your relationship woes.
...............................
|
