A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My problem is that I'm asexual and I'm desperately unhappy about it. I'm now 24 and never in my life have I ever experienced so much as a crush on anyone. I don't experience any attraction, my feelings for other people never go beyond friendship. I don't actively avoid relationships, I have no fear of intimacy (I just don't desire it), no body issues and no past trauma so I have no idea how to work on or change this! Any suggestions?The thought of it is making me really depressed. I'm an only child and I have no contact with any distant relatives. Friends are ok but they just aren't there for you like family is. While I don't need a relationship, I do want family but from reading other answers on here, becoming a single parent knowingly would make me the devil. I've thought of adoption, but again I'll be a single parent. Just to add, not that I'm thinking of becoming one anytime soon, if at all.I see my friends all getting into serious relationships and I realise that when my parents are gone, I'll have no one at all. I'll end up being the crazy old cat lady and when I die no one will even notice or care.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2012): @marieclaire, yeah I did join AVEN but I didn't find it helpful. They basically say everything's up to you to decide (not much direction given) and god forbid anyone should mention they're unhappy being asexual on that site. It's more a place for people to realise they're not the only person like it. As for finding another asexual, it's very unlikely and I don't experience romantic attraction either so it would be just living with a friend.
@maverick I appreciate what you're saying but I'm not trying to be something I'm not. That would be me getting into a sexual relationship purely for the sake of company/children, which won't happen.
I'm aware not all families get along but I believe if you try your best with them, see them often, then it's more likely than not that you will be close. I don't want children to 'leave a legacy' I want the experience and the closeness. In all honesty I haven't given having children THAT much thought, at the moment it's just something I'm aware of. I agree though that I shouldn't have children purely out of my own fear of being alone and when I'm older and seriously considering it, that's something I will definitely take into account.
The cat line was just to emphasise my feeling of being alone. You may have been really lucky with friends but in my experience once someone gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend then I'm pushed to the sidelines, see them far less and if I do see them it's with their partner. I honestly have never seen a friendship like you describe.
Thanks for the answers everyone, I really appreciate it.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (27 January 2012):
I think that family doesn't always mean having a blood bond with someone. There are so many families falling apart because people think it will be held together by that, but it isn't always the case. An acquaintance of my mom had 5 children, of which none really took the time to come and visit him when he ended up in a nursing home at age 70.
He wasn't a horrible man by any means, but he'd had a hard time keeping in contact with his children after they left home and set up their own lives, sometimes abroad. When his wife died when he was 50 he was basically all alone despite having relatives, children...family.
What I'm basically trying to say is not to try and change yourself into something you're not just to fit in and be part of the herd. It won't work and you'll be even more unhappy because you're striving to get something while denying yourself who you are. Also, having children or family is not the only way to create a legacy or to prevent being all alone and forgotten. Having family will not even guarantee this.
Figure out what truly makes you happy and try to separate these things from all society stereotypes and expectations.
You seek company, friendship. Well, as goes with relationships, friendships need to be nurtured and you need to put time in effort into them so they can blossom into something meaningful. So pay more attention to the friends you have. They can be there than family is, even more so.
I'm closer to my best friends than my sisters. If I had one option to call for help: either a sibling or a friend, I'd choose my friend in a heartbeat. I don't have a bad relationship with my sisters, I'm just not as close to them.
As for adoption, if you ever decide to go for it, educate yourself first. There are a lot of stories about it going wrong: children who reveal themselves to be heavily mentally/physically handicapped, children who feel alienated because of their obviously different ethnic appearance, ill children, etc. etc. Adopting can be wonderful. But it can also be disappointing for both you and the child. So be aware of that.
Also, you're not alone out there:
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=84Sf76VKxJY
This user talks about her feelings on asexuality and misunderstandings. She says some very thoughtful things that I think could be relevant for you.
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pm8tlNBgc-k
This guy talks about asexual stereotypes and you'd be surprised how much of them can be found in your post (no offense intended).
There are more vids out there but I found the above users to be the most 'useful' among them.
So basically stop seeing the asexuality as a problem that needs to be solved. If you're truly asexual, then that's that. It's like telling a gay man to be straight. If that's not his true sexuality, it will never be, no matter what crazy priests tell you.
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (27 January 2012):
 There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you! You would be amazed at how many asexual people are out their. You're certainly not alone, dear.
Asexual people have no interest in sex, but this does not mean that they are incapable of love. You can have a deep and satisfying relationship/marriage without sex. Just because you do not feel sexual attraction does not mean that you can't find someone that you love and want to spend all of your time with.
Don't give up one being happy. You have a lot of life ahead of you, and many people that could potentially be in it.
Much love and Best wishes
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