A
female
age
41-50,
*s. suck at love
writes:Two months ago, The love of my life walked away because of my bad attitude. It's been about 70 days since I've seen or talked to him. How do I get him back? or How do I accept what has happened and move on? Its been a hard journey. All I do is constantly think about this man. Daily I want to call him or pop up at his job, I know that's not smart, but what can I do to move past the love, hurt, and desire of this man?
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female
reader, Mariab  +, writes (19 September 2013):
 Maybe its better that its over because you seem to have problems dealing with your role in the joining of the 2 families. Its great that you helped him but it seems you did this resentfully! You're talking about wearing the skirt and the pants and being Mother Teresa. That's not healthy! Let him deal with his family by himself and maybe he will see how hard it is to cope and come running back to you for you help again... or he will find it easier to do things all by himself without having someone to give him attitude about it... either way... its no longer in your hands darling! You have to respect his decision to move on and you have to do your best to move on!
Its not easy but you have to learn from this... and maybe you would be better suited to someone who is more 'together'... no kids and with better finances?? xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): OP, your follow up does change things!You were doing everything for him, and getting none or little in return, so your "attitude" is understandable.So you should not be pining for him, you should say: good riddance! Just a pity about his kids, but the fact his family, siblings and everyone who knows him didn't want to help, says A LOT.Go in peace.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2013):
 OP, your followup does NOT change anything. The reasons do not matter at this point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): Why did you add the details after the fact? What kind of advice were you expecting with what you provided?
So you helped his kids. Do you regret that?
I answered the first post. The second one came too late.
You make no sense. Everyone is totally off the mark thinking one thing. Now you tell a whole different story.
You could have quit anytime you wanted to.
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A
female
reader, ms. suck at love +, writes (18 September 2013):
ms. suck at love is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, Thanks to everyone's response. I'm truly taking it to heart. There's a few things I feel need be said:
1. We've been dating for almost 2 years.
2. The first 10 months was great.
3. Sometime in October of 2012 his children's mother, literally walk away from their two children girl 7 & boy 3.
4. Protective Services stepped in and gave him his children. no one wanted to
help this man. not his mother, siblings or friends.
5. I took on the responsibility of being a step-in mother for those babies
because I'm a mother and the love I had for him. It wasn't a problem. I
welcomed them with open arms.
6. The attitude came into play when his trials and tribulations became my
problem. His car break down my money gets it fixed. Kids hungry my
money fed them. I cooked, cleaned, washed, bathe and drove his daughter
15 miles Monday-Friday to and from school. I made Christmas and
birthdays for his little family.
7. My point was, when was he gonna stand up on his own. How did I go from
being his girl to Mother Theresa? When was I going to wear the skirt
instead of wearing the skirt and pants? I paid all the bills and took care of
all the everyday living expense, while his check went to fix his bills and
catch up on behind car payments and etc.
8. I became stressed and unappreciated and regardless of how I tried to talk
him about it, he made it seem like I was being selfish, so yes I had attitudes
Nevertheless, what ever he needed I made sure he had it.
9. All of sudden my attitude is the reason why he walked away, after all I had
done for him, including saving his children from being in foster care.
10. Constantly enduring his attitudes because things in his life wasn't going
right.
There's more to this story, but I just had to give a little insight on why my attitude changed. Its not like I wake up and say, "Hey I want to have an attitude today." No!!!!! The frustrations of not being understood and appreciated is what put me on edge, on top of my life and children. Im not a bad or evil person. I love, I love really hard and all I wanted was to be loved back with my flaws. Just like I took on his.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (18 September 2013):
I know exactly what you are talking about. It has been almost a year and half and I still think of him a lot......not like I use to. It has been hard to move forward but I realize it was for the best. He is a better person without me and so am I. Just like everyone says. The heartache will take some time. You need to do stuff to improve yourself. Focus on things you enjoy doing. Anything to keep your mind occupied. Good Luck Friend. It gets better. Give it time.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 September 2013):
 Let this one stay dumped... and see if you can find a guy who is OK with your peculiar style of life....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 September 2013):
Once you accept that it’s over it will be easier to move on. The fact that you even ASK how to “get him back” tells me you did not believe it was over when he ended it. He walked away and has gone NO CONTACT with you for a reason.
It’s been 70 days… but since you have spent those 70 days counting the days and trying to figure out how to get him back, we can’t count them. Let’s count today as day one of your grieving… you must grieve this loss.
a. You have my permission for the next SIX WEEKS to
1. Not wear make up (wear dark glasses when you go out in public)
2. Not diet (in other words you should eat all your favorite comfort foods and wear sweat pants
3. not exercise (laying around on the couch crying eating whipped cream out of the container watching Beaches or City of Angels helps get all the tears out)
4. call all your friends who know how you feel and obsess over him with them or better yet WRITE him long LONG LONG letters that tell him how you feel and what you would do differently… then you SEAL those letters in an ENVELOPE an you PUT THEM IN THE BOTTOM OF A DRAWER YOU RARELY GO INTO… in a few years you will find them and read them and by then it will seem so weird that you grieved like this…
I’ve been there done that.
Now AFTER your 6 week approved grieving it’s time to pull up your big girl panties and DEAL with life again… get up get showered do your hair, do you face if you normally do, put a smile on your face and live your life as best as you can.
EVERY day will get a teeny tiny bit better…
If you think of him now the second you wake up… eventually you won’t think of him till you get to the bathroom… then eventually it will be till you brush your teeth.. then it’s not till you are in the shower… then later on it’s not till coffee or breakfast.. and then one day it’s not till lunch or whatever… finally and how long it will take varies by person but FINALLY one day you will lay down to go to sleep and think of him and realize it’s the FIRST time you’ve thought of him all day… THAT’S healing.
Get a hold of the book “On Death and Dying” by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. You are grieving the death of a relationship and it is the same DABDA as for the actual physical death of a loved one.
How long were you and this man together?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): As the song goes" "Don't it always seem to go, that we don't know what we've got til it's gone!"
It was suggested that you determine why you have a bad attitude. I go further to ask, why haven't you done something about your attitude?
It isn't something that sprung out of nowhere. It may have culminated from several bad experiences in the past.
In any case, you have an issue with aggression, and have made no effort to get it under control. Some issues may go back to childhood, and you may carry them throughout a lifetime. It is important to work on attitude problems before we enter relationships. Don't expect someone to come along and change you. You go to church, a mosque, or a synagogue for that. You find religion. Seek mental-health counseling. Talk to granny or a guru. FIX IT!
It isn't true that people will accept you as you are, if they love you. How nature designed you physically is an exception. If you have a handicap or disabilities, another.
If you have a bad attitude, anger issues, and a host of insecurities; no good person deserves to be around someone like that. They have deep-seated emotional disorders that require work, and to subject anyone to those problems is unfair. Down-right terrible.
You can get all the counseling you want. You first have to learn how to control your temper and learn that people don't have to put up with your angry crap.
Coddling people who go off at the drop of a hat is bullsh*t. No one should have to walk on eggshells around you. Being civil is part of being an adult and dignified human being. You learned as a child you don't always get your way. You know right from wrong. These are the fundamental elements of building character. The phrase "that's just how I am" is saying, "I know I'm wrong; but I don't care, take it or leave it."
Well, any smart person would leave you standing were you are; and run screaming for the hills, if you think like that.
This nonsense with shouting, waving fingers, and head weaving side to side; is just meanness and unacceptable aggressive behavior. Bullying, verbal abuse, physical abuse, snooping, and psychological manipulation.
All grand bullsh*t!!! No one has to put up with that.
If you explode every-time you get aggravated; or throw a tantrum when you disagree, people soon tire of you. You're left isolated in your own little angry world. I've actually talked to people who try to justify this behavior by claiming they just don't put up with stuff out of people. That goes two ways. It's unbridled anger and a lack of self-control. It's a mean spirit and evil attitude. That's all it amounts to.
You have some work to do, so you must continue no contact.
First, let me tell you why.
It was not easy for him to make the decision to end it. It was something he had to give long hard thought and consideration. He is also going through grief.
In all fairness, there are two sides to the story. I'm sure he wasn't perfect. When a relationship ends, both parties have contributed to it's demise. One may have been the major cause; but we all have faults and weaknesses. There is a breaking-point and a final threshold where even the strongest of relationships may not hold up.
Both parties have to give their best, or it just isn't going to work. As you have finally come to discover.
Okay, you are where you are now. Forgive yourself.
You have now learned the error of your ways. You have ultimately taken your responsibility for your contribution to the breakup, and confessed your sins.
Allow yourself to grieve your loss and just continue to allow the emotions to run their course.
Just don't do stupid things like drunk-texting, leaving pleading voice-mail messages, serial text messages, long drawn-out e-mailed apologies. Facebook messages. STOP!!!
He'll think you're nuts. He'll just get irritated. He'll surely know his decision to leave was right.
Your mind is dealing with the pain of loss and there is a chemical process going on in the brain, after losing the source that once gave you feel-good hormones called endorphins. There are chemicals released in the brain that once gave you a euphoria while you were actively in a loving relationship. It felt so good!
Once he left, the source that caused the feel-good chemicals to flow is now gone. You are going through withdrawal. That feels terrible!
Scientifically, it is the same as a drug-addict withdrawing from drugs. That's why it's so hard. You need a fix of the love-drug. You'll lose sleep, obsess over his memories, lose your appetite, and thoughts of him will invade your mind almost 24/7. Sweetie, I know how you feel; because that's what I felt almost five months ago.
I haven't stopped thinking of the person who dumped me; I've come to terms that the relationship is over, and I intend to survive and be happy. In time, so will you.
In order to heal, you need to pretend that he has left the planet never to be seen or heard from again. As long as you allow your mind to hold on to hope of his return, you will suffer the agony of his absence. Even if he comes back, his feelings have completely changed about you. It will never be the same. It will just be a big experiment. How long before I piss her off, and the bad attitude shows?
Hanging on to false-hope is what makes the days drag on forever. Waiting for a call to say he wants to come back. He isn't coming back. When your mind accepts this, it will ease up on the excruciating cravings for him. You'll start to slowly return to yourself. Time is a factor. You just have to work at getting yourself back.
Accept that he's gone; and prepare to reclaim your independence, freedom, and your own identity. Keep yourself good company, and become your own best friend. You're never really alone. You concentrate on yourself, when there is no one else there.
Turn to family and loving friends for company; and to fill that hole in your heart he left behind. Quiet your broken heart, let your mind take over and get you through this. The heart has to shut up now. It's just begging for another fix.
Your "mind" is the contro1-center that will now takeover, and set you on the right path. It needs to be reprogrammed, to tweak out all that anger and aggression. To let the mature and well-mannered person underneath surface.
I know people want to reassure you and buildup hope he will return. It is healthier to prepare yourself for the possibility he "will not" return. I won't even suggest, or hint at, the possibility that he might come back.
If he does, that's a bonus for you. A big risk for him.
The reality is, he has had enough of you, and he shouldn't return. You will only be good for a short-time, and you'll go back to your old ways. You'll breakup again, and the pain will be worse.
Don't get notions of friendship or friends with benefits. It's still hoping he'll come back. You'll just suppress your bad behavior; until it bursts out of control.
Truthfully, you had your chance and you blew it. Why should he come back on the chance that you could be even worse?
You'll be desperate and clingy, afraid he'll leave, and do crazy things. This is not a fairytale, and you will not get a happily ever after with him. Your happiness will come, when you give it to yourself.
You need the single-life for awhile. To work on your attitude. Think back to when you were a girl and how you were treated by your parents; and siblings, if you have any. How you grew up, and your high-school through college experiences. Your social environment, and economic status.
Then, how you deal with men;and the types "you've chosen" as partners. Past breakups, and/or divorce(s).
Review all your past history and you'll see all the patterns in your life, that spoiled your attitude.
You haven't experienced anything no other person hasn't had before. You just hold on to bad things, and just won't let go. Holding on to bad things will turn toxic and poison your system. It will make you harsh and bitter. You'll take it out on the people closest to you, or complete strangers.
You keep it hidden in your heart and when someone rubs you the wrong way, it's like setting off a time-bomb.
It will show up in several different types of insecurities.
Suspicion, possessiveness, controlling behavior, jealousy, vindictiveness, and mean-spirited behavior.
You aren't going to get your ex back. You can spend money on books, CD's, ebooks, and all kinds of money-schemes.
People will fill you with bullsh*t and get your hopes up.
You don't deserve him back. You've already crushed him under your foot. So fix yourself; so you can make a new start with someone else. This was a lesson. There is no reward for a bad attitude. You lose people you love. That is the consequence.
Your mission is to heal and get over him. You don't have to read or accept a single word of my advice. I've been where you are, and I've seen dozens of breakups others have experienced. The odds are against them coming back. If they do, the odds are high that you'll breakup again. So don't delude yourself into thinking taking him back will change you. You want him back so bad; you'll lie to both him and yourself, that you'll change for his sake. Change for you.
Use the energy to heal and get over him. You don't have to listen to me. Reality will set you straight anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): When you parted ways, what did he say? Is it over for good, or temporary, or was he just sick of handling the bad attitude and walked away? Depending on those answers, will depend on what you can do.If he left for good, saying he no longer wants to be in contact, etc. then respect that, he was hurt and reached his breaking point. You can merely learn from this experience and make the necessary changes to avoid a repeat in future relationships. Discover why you had a bad attitude, and what can be done to improve it. Go for counselling if you feel you need professional help in dealing with anger issues, insecurity, self esteem, or any other.If he left temporarily, or you think you could get him back, then still do the above - you need to change before you can see him again, so seek counselling, and when you have begun the sessions, then contact him saying you are sorry, it took him walking away to make you realise you can't continue like you are and you are doing something about it. Then the decision is up to him if he wants to try again knowing things will be different.If there is no chance at getting him back, take the life lesson, learn from it, grow and make sure never to do it again. As for getting over him - each day will bring you closer to that. Continue the no contact, and do as many other activities as possible instead of day dreaming or moping about him. In time, you will feel better, and you will be happy again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): By acknowledging that he's not the love of your life.If he was 'the one' who gets you and understands you and make you happy he would not have given up on you. I'm sure there were a lot of arguments in the run up to the break up. The sooner you realise that you were idealising what was not ideal the sooner you can move on.How do you move past it? One day at a time. You've done 70 days, you can do 70 more. The 140th day won't be as difficult for you as the first day was so don't lose hope. It can only get better.Besides, if you could get him, you can get someone else. Focus on surrounding yourself with positive experiences.I wish you well
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): What to do?
If his worth it, like you see a chance that he will be so perfect for you, then Go for it.
Tell him your sorry and you would like to him to know that you still love him, since you said he walked away because of your bad attitude.
After telling him your feelings for him its up to him to decide whether he would still take u back or not. After all, It was your fault why he left you, sometimes we need to chew our pride for someone we love.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (18 September 2013):
You move on the same cliché way every other website, book, video tells you to. You stop contact and do your best to try to forget them by keeping yourself busy with other things.
Yes, I know it hurts. I've gone through my share of heartache and thought I would never get over them and would love them forever. But here I am and they hardly cross my mind and when they do, I don't even think of them in the same light at all!
You can't make someone get back with you. It has to be up to them on their grounds. They especially won't want to get back with you if you call them or randomly show up places where they're at. It'll only freak them out and be annoyed by you. The best way is to go on about your life with the mindset that if they come back then that might be great, if not, then you'll be okay and your life will still be great.
So go out with friends, visit your family, find new activities and hobbies. Along the way, maybe you'll find someone new.
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