A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello guys I need a mature advice of dealing with this situation. I am in a LDR. There seem to be a trust issue that I have gotten over after I did all my homework and realize that my man is not physically cheating. Hey I have friends too in my area that I talk to or like to be in company with to take away the neediness feeling from my relationship. I see it as just something to so and I have the will power to say "NO" to unwanted advances. I am not so sure that my man was able to do this but I confirmed this from my research. But still in the back of my head, I know temptation happens.I have urged my man to post atleast one picture of us on facebook or give some sign that he is in a serious relationship because I am tired of women acting like they did not know a serious girlfriend even exist. I know I am in no position to tell a man what to do but I need your first advice on this. How do you let your man know that he needs to sing praises about your relationship to wave off some unwanted advances to a certain degree. I said to some certain degree beccuase some loose women don't give a "F"My other advice stems from what my boyfriend told me last two weeks when I went to vist.While visiting his uncle and wife, his uncle's wife friend was acting kinda awkward when they greeted each other. And before the end of the night, I noticed she started ignoring my boyfriend when he asked her a question. When he proceeded to hug her goodbye, she told him "so you know me now" in a annoyed and condescending tone. y boyfriend yelled at her like "what do you mean" and grabbed me to get out of there. I did not say a word about this incidence. The next day in the car, he told me that he met her at my uncle's wife's baby shower and she helped him out with somethings so they have been out together before only as friends and that she know he was in a relationship. I was impressed because I like how he owned up to his foolish mistake and told me about it without me asking. SO we moved on.Last week, he called me after his uncle's wife baby dedication and one of the conversation, he said the uncle's wife friend was there and was trying her possible best to get his attention but he ignored her. But while she was leaving for the night, she asked him to follow her to the parking lot. And she started apologizing for her action the other night and that she knows he dont like her like that and she will be moving out to another state in a couple of months.Well just yesterday, after an argument we had two days ago, I noticed he added her as a friend on facebook. We are talking again so I see this urge of asking him why he will add someone who is trying her possible best to destroy his relationship? Should I confront him? I just see things like this as embarrassing where you cannot walk into a room and feel proud that your man is focused on you only and will never disrespect his relationship. Maybe men and women are different in this aspect. If you are in a commited relationship, wouldn't you want to flaunt your relationship as a warning to others to back off. Should I tell him he needs to start by posting one of our pic on facebook to give the first sign warning even though he thinks our relationship do not need any publicity and he said publicity have destoyed his relationship more than when he kept it quiet. He told me all his family members know me as his future wife and I have nothing to worry about.But I do worry about him. He is too nice. I hate to see when non-factors like my uncle's wife friends, who I was firendly with at the last visit will think they got something going on with your man and can get away with it. I get this feeling like I am not tough enough to handle my man. I know its a LDR but we are working otwards being with each other. I just want to tell my man after 1 and a half years, it is time he starts singing our relationship from the roof top to give signs of seriousness or else many of these single women will continue to think they stand a chance and will not respect me or the relationship.What do you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe just got dumped. I finally feel liberated. Something tells me I did something he himself may have been having difficulty doing. Which is to break up with me.
I finally have peace of mind. From this response of his, I know I did the right thing.
He said "I'm glad for your courage. No one can love you more than you love youself. Whenyou said I don't really know what I want, that is really funny you know. Wish you the best"
Hmm Thank you God for saving me from a future divorce if we had continued.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2012): I've been married 13 years and I do not post my marital status on FB. I don't say I'm single (since I'm not) but I don't say I'm married either. I mean, it's no one else's business. that's just me though.
I think the problem is that your bf obviously does not feel the same way about this relationship as you do. He does not feel like singing it from the rooftops. Why is that? Is it because he really isn't that invested in this relationship? is it because he simply doesn't think he should "have" to do stuff like that just to please you?
you certainly can tell him what you would like him to do - and sounds like you already have - but he has the right to say no he doesn't want to do it. You're wanting him to do what you want because you don't like his behavior. the very fact that he's refusing, should be information for you that there's deeper problems in this relationship than simply him not doing what you want.
maybe the bigger underlying problem is that he really isn't that committed to this relationship. You can't "make" him pretend to look committed, when he really isn't feeling it.
if you do believe he is committed to you, then let this go. Don't destroy your relationship by trying to control him. let the other women try whatever they will on him. If you trust him you shouldn't have anything to worry about.
if you don't trust what he will do when women come on to him, then that is speaking volumes about this relationship to begin with. why are you still in a relationship with someone you don't trust??
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 March 2012):
 I don't think you're over-analyzing. I don't think any woman would be happy in your situation. You're dating a man, who needs attention from other women because he gets off on it. I can understand that to some extent. We all want to be reminded that we are desirable to the same sex even when we're in a relationship. Being complimented, being asked out on a date or casual flirting is all fine, as long as you know when to step away and set boundaries. What he seems to be doing is stringing this woman along. He knows she has feelings for him, that she wants more from him, but he doesn't care. When you know you're being pursued and you're a taken man, you should be removing yourself from that situation. Instead he is being inappropriate. He is talking to her and adding her on FB.This type of behavior is not acceptable. You never put yourself in a situation that could escalate. Neither men nor women should be getting cozy with someone who is romantically interested in them. These situations always end up in:1. Cheating/affairs2. Heartbreak for one of the parties involvedWhy should you accept and be OK with the fact that your man likes to keep in touch with women that want to date him? Is his ego really more important than making you feel secure and happy in this relationship? If it is, I don't think this relationship will work out.I don't think posting FB pictures will solve your problem. Until he decides to tone his behavior down - and by that I mean not adding women that want to fuck him to FB, or talking to them - you will continue to have these issues."I feel so powerless right now. As if this is the one thing in my life I have no control over."You're right, you don't have control over him. You can't control what he says, does, or thinks. You can't even get him to add a measly FB picture of you two, nor can you get him to directly answer a question. The one thing you have control over is YOU. You control your actions. You don't have to sit there and accept this behavior. So far, he knows he can get away with it all. He knows you've stuck it out no matter how inappropriate he is being. He probably thinks he can get away with even more and if you continue to behave the same way, he will test how far he can go in the future.Maybe he will come to his senses when you break up with him and maybe he won't. Listen, I too am in a long-distance relationship. When you're long-distance, trust and stability are more important than ever. If I knew that my fiance was in contact with women that wanted to screw him, I would never trust him. In fact, I would dump his ass and he could enjoy all the attention that he wants.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPerhapsNotGod bless you. You see where I am coming from. I thought I am just being insecured but I than you for seeing the big picture. There is nothing in this relationship that is making me feel like a man wholehertedly feels the way he speaks. Almost like I am a token that he hates to lose and that is my fear for hanging on. I just want to know if I am not over-analyzing the situation. I just asked him just a few minutes ago if he is still having any form of communication with this girl and he just danced around the question asking me why I am asking because she is the last thing on his mind and he never answered the question. I think that tells me a lot since he also added her on facebook. I hate relationships because of this. You expect people to act a certain way as expected to match what they say but they don't. If he is not sure about us by now why not take a break from it all? Should I initiate a break if he still insist on not posting any pic on fb? I mean he doesn't deserve the perks of being with a good woman if he does not know how to cut off dangerous women. I'm sorry if he needs his ego stroked, he needs help but I will certainly not be helping him with that. A part of me wants out but just dont know how. I have invested so much. I feel so powerless right now. As if this is the one thing in my life I have no control over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo_Very_ConfusedWe are four hours away by air and about 8hrs away by road. We see each other every other weekend when im off or when he is off if tickets are cheap. We do a good job in making sure we see each other frequently. Lately those ticket prices have been ridiculously high so we havent really seen each other.I have trust issues but we are working on it. Its my decision to find out if his excuses were legit and they were. I cant tell him not to have female friends when I keep male company as well. "IF you have urged him to put a picture of you up on facebook and he has refused.. he’s TELLING YOU SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR… that you are not that important to him." I disagree, there are other ways a man can show how important you are to him. I dont think fb is the main factor. This is just a wish of mine only. We both agreed keeping our relationship private in the beginning. I am the one waving off that agreement now.A man who is in love with his partner and in a committed monogamous relationship WILL decline the advances of other women no matter how hot she is, no matter how blatant she is…. He may think about it… but he will not go through with it…I agree and I have no proof he has carried on with it. What I dont like is that he is friendly with women that screams "danger" he talks to them but does not have physical contact with them. Which he thinks its ok. I on the other hand see this as been weak if you know a girl has interest in you why should you continue friendship with her if she doesnt listen?You say he “owned up to his foolish mistake” with the uncle’s wife’s friend… what mistake was that??? Being kind to another female… helping her out with a few things as friends was a mistake? Or am I missing something?Well in the past this was how he got himself in trouble. He befriends a woman and knowing fully well they want more than friendship. We have worked this trust issues out and I feel like its staarting all over again. The woman is developing feelings for you. No matter how much you tell him we are in a relationship, if she spends time with you, she will not understand the level of commitment and will picture a relationship in her head. He admitted its his foolishness that is why i refered to it as another foolish mistake. He knows better than that. You go out with a single female when your woman is miles away from you, you are setting yourself up. And he knows this. She had made the statement I know you dont like me. Isnt that telling him that she wants more than friendship and he needs to back up? I just dont get it sometimes.
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 March 2012):
I too don't "flaunt" or mention my relationship status to people that I don't know very well, or strangers. It is my private life and I don't think it's anyone's business to know. At the same time, my FB status says that I am engaged. Why? Because that is a FACT. The relationship status is not any different from answering your sex, your sexual preference, your name, age, ect. You're either in a relationship or not. You're either engaged or not. You're either married or not. These are FACTS. And if anyone has problems sharing a fact, then there is something off there."Plus he hates when people start making comments of when is the wedding? "Please! Why would they ask him that if you're not even engaged yet? You're just in a relationship, right? And why is it such a hassle to respond with "I'll let you know when I pop the question"?When someone is hitting on you and wants something more than flirting, you put a stop to it. You say you're in a relationship/engaged/married and you halt the advances. I am totally fine with flirting, but when the flirting crosses a line, you tell them that you're not available and you shut it down. If the person persists and doesn't leave you alone, you cut contact with the person. Why? Because they're being inappropriate and disrespecting your relationship. If he cannot put an end to women hitting on him, he's clearly liking the attention, the ego boost and who knows what else - and THAT is a problem. You're upset over this, but he won't make you feel better, by updating his FB status and adding a few pictures of you together. I mean come on! Those are not some difficult requests, or something that would take a lot of effort on his end.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 March 2012):
 How LDR are you? 1 hour 2 hours? A plane ride?
How often do you see each other? Monthly? Quarterly?
What are the plans to end the distance? He’s moving? You’re moving? You are splitting the distance?
If you are not so sure your man cannot decline offers of “temptation” and you feel needy enough to ‘research” his behavior, then you have trust issues. What has he done to make you not trust him?
You said:
“I have urged my man to post atleast one picture of us on facebook or give some sign that he is in a serious relationship because I am tired of women acting like they did not know a serious girlfriend even exist”
I hate to break it to you but my man does not have facebook and women and men knew I existed long before we were no longer LDR… he talked about me… bragged about me… found ways to mention me every chance he got… a picture on facebook is just a picture… I have pictures of me with my ex on facebook.. it means nothing… my fiancé doesn’t even have facebook…. The problem you describe is BIGGER than facebook. YOU are a dirty secret.
Then you said: “I know I am in no position to tell a man what to do”… umm yeah you are IF he is your serious committed partner…. You most certainly do have a right to tell him what you would like him to do. HE has the right to ignore your request… but you do have the right to tell him what you want/need from him and the relationship…. IF you have urged him to put a picture of you up on facebook and he has refused.. he’s TELLING YOU SOMETHING YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR… that you are not that important to him.
Then you said “I said to some certain degree beccuase some loose women don't give a "F"”
Again I hate to break it to you but if a woman who was EXACTLY my man’s type came to him right now, dropped her clothes in front of him (and had him in a place alone where he could engage in carnal activities with her) I can see him now, he would laugh at her, pick up her clothes hand them too her and escort her to the front door,… it’s NOT about the OTHER people.. it’s about your partner… A man who is in love with his partner and in a committed monogamous relationship WILL decline the advances of other women no matter how hot she is, no matter how blatant she is…. He may think about it… but he will not go through with it…
You say he “owned up to his foolish mistake” with the uncle’s wife’s friend… what mistake was that??? Being kind to another female… helping her out with a few things as friends was a mistake? Or am I missing something?
What I think is that you guys are old enough and clearly close enough that you should be plotting to end this distance ASAP and if he’s not, then he’s not as into you as you are into him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have read books and other blogs where people think differently about fb status. It is a deal breaker for some and it isnt for others. When we are together, we walk into the room as a couple so there is no hiding there. Its just I expect more demonstration of our commitment orelse these women will continue to desperately think they stand a chance.
I dont want to put any pressure on him so I just go with the flow. He tells me women will want him more if he displayed our status on fb so it really didnt matter if he changed it or not. Plus he hates when people start making comments of when is the wedding? He is sure I am the one but he just doesnt believe in flaunting it in everyone's face. Maybe some people are different.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): When you are his GF and he wants and expects you to be 100% committed and faithful, Damn Straight you have the 'right' to ask of him and expect of him to demonstrate you are both committed to one another.
Why the heck hide? Who does that other than the dishonest? Fearful?
Secondly, sounds like your BF is a serial cheat and THAT IS WHY HE HIDES HIS STATUS.
I say, dump him and find a local man, once you've healed.
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