A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'd love some advice/opinions from anyone that has a tension-filled relationship with their inlaws.I really don't know whether I'm overreacting and over sensitive as I've been made to feel I am.My inlaws are eccentric types. They're the type of people that speak first, think later. I have always been one of those women that wears my heart on my sleeve. It seems these personalities are a bad combination.Nearly everyday, my inlaws visit us. Granted, they only stay for a short time but they usually stop in, unannounced, every day - only the odd break in visits.They come over anytime in the afternoon, or right on dinner.. sometimes into the evening i.e. 9pm. Everytime they visit, they have a magazine for us, or a vegetable from their garden, or a plant. They never turn up empty handed, so I feel very guilty that I'm even complaining.. but I just find the daily visits so irritating and disruptive to whatever we're doing. Because they refuse to call first, I never know WHEN they're pulling in. I'm a home body and I really love to chill at home, so I love to be able to hang round the house in my old tracksuit.. maybe relax during the day and do my housework in the evening. If I KNEW they were turning up, I would have the jug on and the house immaculate.Even though these daily visits are only short, it's made me feel as though I have no privacy in my home. It feels like every time I look at the driveway, THEIR car is pulling up. I'm only complaining on here. As much as I grit my teeth when I see them turning up YET AGAIN, I come out to greet them with a big smile and invite them in for coffee. Am I being insensitive hating this? I know they want to visit their son but it almost feels like they check up on us. They get out of the car, start weeding the garden if they notice some there.. or tidy something.. it's just so annoying. I just wish they could call and say, "Can we visit on Sunday?" If I knew WHEN they were coming, I'd put on a 4 course lunch for them and they could stay as long as they want. It's just the impromptu visits that really get under my skin. Everything's on their terms all the time.They're also very tactless people who regularly make little comments, deliberately said to make me feel small. You could argue that's just my perception, but they have actually said those same comments (when I ignore them) up to 4 times..so I know it's to provoke a reaction out of me, as they know I'm not a confrontational person. No matter how many years they've tried, they never DO get a reaction. I, instead, talk to my husband about it and I feel that's pretty unfair. Firstly, he never said it and secondly, it's stress he doesn't need when I should just pluck up the courage to be direct with them. I just don't want to create awkwardness.. and I always tell myself maybe they didn't know how it came across.Are any of you in the same position? How do you deal and what's your opinion of this? Am I being rediculous? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): OP here,
Thanks Cindycares & the latest poster. To the latest poster - I LOVE your idea with the chocolate syrup :) :) That's just awesome. I wish I could have half the guts you do. You'd be a great friend to have hehe!
Cindycares, as I said in my OP, I just wanted opinions really. I know of course that the solution is to either have tension filled conversations with my husband about it or face the inlaws head on & create permanent awkwardness. I just felt like sharing what's been happening & getting some other perspectives. Sometimes it can feel comforting hearing others stories.
Thank you for taking the time to write me such a long, thoughtful post. I very much appreciate your advice :)
The tracksuit thing was the wrong comment to make. I think it's given every reader on here the idea that I sit round home watching tele all day & you've assumed from that that I'm inactive. I actually exercise 4 hours each day, 2 hours in the morning & 2 in the evening, so I'm extremely active. As far as being out of the house, well when I don't have a job on, I do tend to stick round the house because going into town, to the gym, out for coffee etc all costs money I don't have. If I'm not earning regular money, I can't do those things but I accept that. It's not really a solution because I never know when they're heading over. Often, they wait until they know for sure we're home, so 6pm when we're having, or I'm preparing, tea.
I do need to be more direct & handle the inevitable awkwardness that'll result, you are right. Handling overbearing inlaws, who are loved dearly by their son, is a very delicate situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Do not feel bad...they come over without calling and they cut you down.Good for you for standing up for yourself I am proud of you.You have to nip this in the bud before having kids otherwise they will make your life h e l l .How is your husband reacting to your new found self esteem?I really hope he sides with you if he does he is a keeper.Me what I would have done when they cut down my eating is to fill a bowl with whipped cream top with yummy choclate syrup the second they drove up.Then I would have walked outside and take a big spoonful and say oh this is sooo good.But I am just like that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 OP, I feel your pain, and your in laws would drive me nuts too... but you can't make an omelette without breaking any eggs !!
Now , it seems you have reached your scope- which was to not have them come over so often because, let's face it, they are NOT welcome, regardless of the big smiles you put on.
So, your problem seems to be solved at least in part... but you are not content with that either.
Then , what would you want ?.
For them not to wish to come and visit... because they'd rather stay home of their own will ?...
That's not gonna happen, OP ! They have got time on their hands, they've got a son whom they love to visit, and the son LIKES to be visited , and the daughter in law - until recently- kept smiling and never hinted that she did not like being visited... so why in the world they should stay away ?.
See, OP, it's not that you aren't right in defending your privacy - but as long as nobody knows that you are defending something and why.... you expect them all not just to comply with your wishes , you expect them to read minds !
Think OP : you never said to your husband that all this visiting makes you uncomfortable and that HE needs to put a diplomatic stop to that . Which would be the most logical solution ( providing that he understood your point of view , agreed with it, and accepted to help you out ; which is far from a given since, pardon me, but he sounds like a mama's- and dad's - boy ) . But , he does not know that you want him to intervene.
You never even told him that you don't mind having his parents over ( big fat lie, because you basically do not like them, but- never mind about that ) as long as they make it more formal, with notice, 4 course Sunday meal, clean house etc. Which, could go down better than just saying, your eccentric parents are a pain in the ass , but- he does not know that either ( about the weekly 4 course meal etc.) because you never told him.
So, no help from that side.
Otoh, you did not even act directly on the in laws
- which, allow me, without previously informing your husband about your reasons , would result as somewhat rude and aggressive ... But, never mind that. In theory you could tell THEM if they can please call you before coming around, or come around only at certain times, or once a week. But you never said anything, so how would hey figure that out ? They think,logically, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And till nobody says anything, they think , well, maybe they- son and DIL- won't be deliriously happy to see us, yet neither are ADVERSE to it.
But you never said or hinted or suggested anything to them. You greet them politely and with a big smile on your face, no matter how pissed off you are. Now, we can debate till doomsday whether yours is a phony smile, or a polite smile, or a tactic smile... OP, it does not change a lot ; a smile is a smile, and it generally means, welcome, I am glad to see you !, so how would they know it's not true ?!
Now, it seems that by sheer chance you found a good solution- you figured out that, mostly, they care about visiting their son ( no wonder ) so , as long as you do not prevent their access, you can go and do what you want in your own room or somewhere else.
This, not surprisingly,though, did not go down perfectly- because you have spoiled them. If you had done this since day one they would have got used / resigned by now, but they have noticed the change from big smile, coffee and chats to avoidance, and they are not dumb enough to ignore that every change means SOMETHING. They took it to mean that they are not very welcome ( which is right ) ... but you aren't happy either.
OP, how do you want to solve this ? Magically ? Mystically ? .... Not possible.
1 ) Either you speak with your husband ,
2 ) or, you speak with your in laws
3 ) or, you accept what you can't change, and just grin and bear !, consoling yourself with the thought there's worse in life than interfering in laws.
I forgot, actually there's another way you could solve this, which is, changing totally your habits, becoming much more active, i.e. making sure that every afternoon you'll be out and about, at work, at the gym, volunteering, taking long walks...
but, you are not going to do that because you like to be a couch potato who chills at home in her tracksuit .( Not a criticism ,OP, I am the biggest couch potato ever, and I like to do the same- minus the tracksuit; I don't " do " tracksuits ).
So , OP, ... the point of this
post is simply :
your environment CAN'T CHANGE if you don't want make any changes. TO YOURSELF.
You can't change other people against their will.
Ergo, you are not going to talk to your husband because you do not want to risk hurting his feelings ...you do not want to talk to your inlaws because they may get mad ... you do not want to keep ignoring them ,because you DO mind that they feel unwelcome... and you do not want to become active and stay out of the house...
then, what do YOU suggest, OP ?
That , at their age and set in their ways as they are... your in laws abstain, of their own choice, from a behaviour that they don't even KNOW is bothering anybody ???
Maybe you just wanted to have a good rant, OP. Which is fine. Yes,let's say it loud : life is unfair- and in laws generally suck :).
Said that , though ? Are you going to make it a permanent rant ?... I would not advise it, OP. What cannot be changed must be accepted, and what cannot be accepted must be changed.. (isn't there also a famous prayer which says more or less that ?.. ) Anything in between is a waste of time, breath and energy...
Please realize that change means action. And action means effort. And effort means- discomfort , most of the times.
If you are not willing to face any discomfort , so be it OP, but then look SERENELY and CHEERFULLY to many years of cozy impromptu visits....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Big thanks to the last poster. I think you're definitely right. They will probably always make those digs at me when they can because they secretly resent me for taking away their son. I never thought of that.The latest dig they made was about how, whenever they come over, I'm always eating. It always seems to be that way.. me munching on something when they turn up (bad luck on my part).. but it's been something they've focussed on during their last few visits. It was so bad the other day, that I turned away from my FIL and walked back into the house, rather than make a scene and say something I'd regret. He actually turned to his son and said, "Did I say something wrong?" That was the only time I've ever taken a stand against their comments.I just draw the line at that... and so the last 2 visits I haven't even come out to say hello. When they turn up at my home and imply I need to watch my figure, commenting 4 times when I've ignored it, just to make sure it's gotten through, I feel hurt and violated and extremely uncomfortable around them.Now my husband says they won't come back here because they don't feel welcome, so I am feeling like the bad guy at the moment. Guess I'm supposed to thank them for the expert guidance.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
 Have you considered telling your husband to go visit THEM a bit more often? Maybe that will curb them from coming to your home daily...
Honestly, it would drive me up the wall to have people just show up. My friends knew that unless you CALLED first, I might not open the door. Except for my Mom, she could show up any time.
It's not about you not having a clean and tidy house constantly, but feeling like your home isn't really YOURS to relax in, at least that is how it seems to me.
And I agree, whether you stay at home and eat bon-bons on the couch all day or not, IT is nice to FEEL at home in your home.
I would encourage hubby to go see them more often. And if they show up when he is not home, I'd say sorry I'm about to jump in the shower or go shopping, maybe come back at xx when hubby is home?
They seem like nice people, but they have no boundaries. Maybe they think because you two are young, you need "monitoring"....
I'd also look HARDER for a job, that way... you get out of the house and won't actually BE there if they show up out of the blue.
Family.. gotta love em!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): The thing is they cut you down and you should not have to accept that.That is the thing that is the most wrong.I think your husband should have your back on that. I would say for the stopping by...lock your door pull your shades and pretend you are not home...that is only if they do not have a spare key to your house.I think if they had a key they would be rude enough to just come in.I really think they are checking up on you and really I would not tolerate that at all.It is time to put your big girl shoes on and since your husband has shown he does not have your back you need to tell them they must call first if they do not I would say good bye call me we will plan a time next week when they can come over. Be firm.But really I do not think they will listen since they already berate you and make you feel small. BY the way that is abuse and you should not have to deal with that in your own home.This is not normal at all.I think they are trying to catch you doing something wrong so they can break you and hubby up and get their baby back.This also is not normal.I feel sad for you having to endure their games.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): OP: Wow. I woke up this morning to see all this fantastic advice. Abella, you must've spent so long writing your amazing answer - thank you so much! This is excellent advice. I appreciate you sending me this!I am definitely going to watch Everybody Loves Raymond. It will help me find the humour in the situation. Thank you Code Warrior :)And you are right Chigirl, they are visiting their son. The reason I have said or done nothing is because I have felt it isn't my place. My husband and they are very close and he seems to enjoy seeing them so I have been keeping my mouth shut for his sake and ignored the digs. I don't want to cause tension between THEIR relationship. If there wasn't a daily dig then I probably wouldn't cringe as much when they come up the driveway. The last two visits, I haven't come out to see them and it hasn't mattered, so yes, you're right.. they're not visiting me.WiseOwlE, thanks for taking the time to answer my question. Unfortunately though, you've made a few wrong assumptions. I don't lie around all day in my trackies. I am a struggling self employed person, also searching for a day job, but while I"m at home, I'm cooking, cleaning, doing the gardening.. that's what I meant by just chilling etc. Not lying around. I don't have all day to 'do as I please', I try my best to be productive with different projects.I didn't realise my passive nature would be so infuriating to them.. and you?! You're probably right. But I've only been 'fake' about it for my husband's sake. If I don't like them visiting but he's happy with seeing them, I have always thought it's selfish of me to put an end to impromptu visits.. so I have said nothing out of consideration for him, not because I'm a phony?!Judging on your response with the many little digs hidden in there, I'd say my passive nature and the fact I'm not working fulltime have hit a nerve with you. I suspect it could be the same for them. The frustration builds and they just can't help but dig.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): Whatever you do or say, they'll find a way around it. If you try everything the aunts and uncles have suggested; keep at it. Bear in mind, it's a habit they've gotten away with for a long-time. They won't take you seriously at first; because you've backed-down every-time in the past. They may even ignore you. You still have to mention to your husband it's becoming too much. You need his backing; even if it's uncomfortable to ask him to talk to his own folks!
He may sanction their frequent visits and consider it "baby-sitting" while he's away at work. You sometimes have to be tough. They care about you and your husband; and they really don't want to tee you off. You have to show people your assertive-side and not always fear they'll be angry; or you'll cause friction between you and your in-laws. It's your home, and you're the boss of it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 They're not visiting you, it seems, they are visiting their son. So that means, you don't have to go out and greet them, you can carry on with whatever you're doing or even excuse yourself. If they were visiting you they'd call you. Apparently they are visiting their son, not you, and if their son is okay with this, then why shouldn't they? I mean he's the one who probably been saying it's okay and wanting these visits to go on, or else he'd put his foot down.
Talk to him about his parents visiting every day. Ask him what he thinks about it. I believe he's encouraging them, and that's why they do it. If he wants things this way, then you can't actually tell him it's not okay as he lives in the house as well and is allowed to have visitors over at whatever time he pleases (although not nightly hours...).
But I would talk to him first, hear what he says, and ask him if perhaps they could visit less, or call in advance, or if it's okay that you just excuse yourself and go about your day because it is exhausting for you to play hostess every day without preparations. You would like to be yourself at home, and relax, not always be on guard in case they show up... Which is understandable, so perhaps the best solution is simply for you to "skip out" on their visits every now and then and simply not be there. Go for a walk instead, if that's what you planned to do. Go to your bedroom to read, if that's what you wanted to do. Go take a bath. Just go about your business, regardless of whether they're there or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): To wise old owl....She is not a phoney.She is trying to be polite because those are her husbands parents after all.To me it seems like they are trying to catch her doing something wrong so they can get the son to leave her so they can have their baby back.For the husband not to stand up for his wife...that is wrong.The reason I say this is that they come at all different times and only stay for a short time.Yup they are checking up on her.This will not get better at all..it is gonna get much worse.They cut her down and husband thinks that is a o k.The question for her I have is this do you want to live this way for the rest of your life?Your husband does not have your back.Never has.His parents will always come first her second.You deserve much better than that.Time for her to put on her big girl pants get a job and leave that baby to his parents before you live this nightmare for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2015):
 that was a lovely answer from Code Warrior. I like the sound of that approach too.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 May 2015):
You are very tolerant. You are definitely not being ridiculous.
Are there any over 49 (years) or over 60 (years) groups in your area? Which ones might be suitable for them to join?
Can you encourage them to join a Service group in your area and help out in a charity shop as volunteers? because they
do not seem to have any structure in their lives.
Pick up a brochure or two about suitable groups they could join.
How much support does your partner give you or is it you who is mainly left to deal with your partner's parents. but maybe your partner has been cowered into submission after more than 20 years of their over the top behaviour.
Your partner is telling you to be very direct. why is it that your partner cannot support you and be very direct on your behalf?
It would be best if your partner stood up to the parents and said enough is enough. but if that is not the case you can tell your partner that you have had enough and you are going to try to curb the frequency of the visits.
If your partner refuses to support you then you do have a problem. time for some serious talking with your partner.
the two of you should be a team who support each other. especially if you are feeling aggrieved and disturbed by the high number of visits.
Your partner is telling you to be more direct. Then try the very direct approach and see where it gets you.
So you have tried to deflect them and it is not working. Are they trying to create tension in your relationship with your partner?
Then take the very direct approach.
Look them in the eye and say
"Rudyard and Helloise, I know you enjoy visiting but you are visiting far too frequently. It is wearing me out.
I also ask that you do not visit unannounced and that you especially do not visit when we are not at home.
You are welcome to visit once a week for a prearranged visit for a prearranged time period.
But I am asking you to cease your many short visits as they are too frequent and so many so often and as a result they
are tiring and disruptive.
Perhaps you would like to visit next Saturday for lunch and some time together in the afternoon. So if you can arrive
at noon I will serve lunch at 12.30pm"
but what if the very direct approach backfires?
Then maybe some guerrilla tactics may have to be employed.
It sounds like they are lonely and have no plan on how to fill their day.
It is not going to be easy and they may take offence.
But since they see no problem with saying tactless little digs you are on strong ground.
If you just tell them "No" I don't think they are going to "get it" and will still keep on turning up. Their social awareness of what is OK and what is NOT OK is seriously impaired.
As a result, though I am not suggesting a blazing falling our with them, I am suggesting that you start weaning them off their visits. Right now you are nice and accommodating and you put up with their mean little remarks.
So start the campaign by just a weaning them of their too frequent visits, some at inappropriate times.
Right now you are so accommodating that they walk all over you.
The Nine pm one is easy. Latch your screen door. Greet them at the door in your nightie and yawn. And say, I'm sorry, really tired. Have a lot on tomorrow. Have to say good night to you, have to go back to bed. Yawn again and say "Good Night". And shut the door as you do it.
Do that a few times and 9pm visits will stop, one hopes.
Put a box outside near the front door and if they say they have to come inside as they have a carrot, a bunch of parsley or a magazine just point to the box (through the screen door) and say, 'Thank you. Just put it in the box. it will be safe there until I can deal with it in the morning. Now Good night" Close the front door. Do not feel guilty. You are being seriously inconvenienced.
Turning up unannounced at meal times can be a very tough ask if you are a young couple where every cent counts.
How firm can you be?
Do you have the courage to just tell them that it is time to go as you and your partner have something else planned and that a short visit is not convenient right now.
Say this at the front door with the screen door latched may seem harsh, but then their unannounced visits at meal time are disruptive too. Do not serve the meal until they have gone.
If they start to act up then you could let them know that one visit a week and one phone call per week should suffice, you are a young couple and so many visits are disruptive.
Run out of coffee. Ask, "would a glass of water be OK?"
Coffee is expensive for a young couple on a budget.
Gee I do hope you have a front gate. If yes then put a padlock on the gate when you are home. If they complain say 'it is for better security. we will remove it when we have pre-arranged visitors and we know the time they are arriving'
separately you will also have to tell them to please leave your garden alone and you like to weed your own garden
I do think that your partner does find his parents to be stressful. Hence he is hoping that you will reduce his stress by you taking over the role of gate keeper.
If your and your partner do not stand up to his parents now then the problem will be ten times worse if you have children and they start trying to takeover the nursery and tell you your parenting skills are all wrong.
Put your foot down now and take charge of the situation and make it clear what you will and will not put up with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): If you set no house-rules, no one will abide by them. You are a phony; because you hate it, and yet you say nothing. All you have to do is ask. "Oh, it would be nice if you all would call before coming. I appreciate your visits; but I sometimes have other plans or just need my time alone. Please call first." If you get a snarky comment, fire one back. Use humor. They know you're not real, so they will test to say what it takes to wear you down. It's beginning to work.
It's your home, and your time. Eccentricities aside, they are intruders. They are taking advantage of your phony passive behavior and almost shoving it down your throat. So say something.
Then again, if you are a stay at home homemaker; start your cleaning in the morning, and have the afternoons free. Get out of the house, and they will pull-up to an empty house.
Lying around in your tracksuit doesn't sound like a busy person to me; so a short visit is inevitable. Well, many families live with their in-laws; so they see them everyday anyhow. So there isn't much merit to your complaint. The visits are short; so what's your beef if you aren't doing anything?
They want a reaction, because they find your passive-aggressive nature equally annoying. So they pluck at your nerves to break through to the real person beneath your facade. Give them a taste of who you are. The real you, and stop putting on a fake personality like you're always nice and happy to see them. Once they see that you aren't, the visits will be less. Why don't you mention it to your husband? Only because you feel guilty that you have all day off to do as you please; and he would wonder the same thing. So what?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): Stop inviting them in, start being more assertive - it's not rude, it's simply readjusting their visits to your terms.When they pull onto your drive grab a jacket and say you're going out and now isn't a good time. This would work well if you don't want to have to put rightly say now isn't a good time just to go back in the house. My nan used to do it with nosey neighbours, they'd call over whenever and she would put a jacket on and drive off for a bit haha! If it was someone she liked she would take the jacket off as if she had just got in! Can't your husband have a word? If they're doing it when he is there too, he could tell them out right that they need to pre warn you of a visit as sometimes him and you want time together.Don't be afraid to tell them it isn't a good time, you could say that you've got things planned over the next few days and that you're not going to be free to entertain them - then suggest a day and time they can come to soften the blow. Let your husband know you will be doing this as he will need to back you up in the approach of reducing their visits. If they have a key (hopefully not!) then suggest they return it, because it disrupts you and I would embarrass them and say you're a young married couple they cant be turning up at your home unannounced because one day they're going to see more of their son than they bargained for!Seriously, talk to your hubby and get some boundaries in place it must be suffocating x
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