A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I am highly stressed out because my dad doesn't want me to have a boyfriend or move out of the house. EVER. Although, he HAS MET my boyfriend last year and I have been with this guy for three years. I am 18. My dad thinks my grades would go down from dating and I proved him wrong with my high GPA and I am still with the guy I love. I guess no matter what I do to convince my dad that I am STILL in a relationship,he believes I am not. Also, I feel like since my dad is acting this way, that I have a small chance of moving out. I am currently in community college with my boyfriend and he is actually helping me through studies. What should I do about my dad? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): You are 18 and legal get a job and move out...he cannot tell you what you can do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): It's unlikely that you will ever change your dad, so you have to change yourself. He's set in his ways. If you don't have a full-time job, you still live at home with your parents, and you haven't completed your degree; your dad still feels somewhat responsible for you. No guy is going to be good enough for you; until he feels you are mature enough, and capable of taking care of yourself. If you have younger siblings, particularly a younger sister; he is going to thump his chest, and show everyone who's boss. That's yet another female he has to keep from getting pregnant before they're married. Which is a father's job. Once you're gone, he still has to contend with the siblings you've left behind. He maintains order by asserting his authority in his house.
Generally, his intentions are out of love, and in your best interest. However; if he is over 50, he is of the old-school of thinking. Which means he is the patriarch and head of his household. He was brought up during a time when it was acceptable for men to dominate over the females (wife and daughter/s) in his family. That has changed; but he has not. You didn't describe any cruelties or abuse. So I can assume he is loving and over-protective.
Everyone is quick to jump to the fact your are 18, and legally can make your own choices and decisions. What they neglect to consider is your level of maturity, and the type of guys you like. Also the fact you're still in your parent's home!
You can move-out, but you better not burn any bridges behind you; because these days, adult-children end-up coming home when economics or broken-relationships force them to.
Most good dads (aka true fathers) are protective of their daughters; even more so when she is an only daughter. They fear you will get pregnant in your teens, that guys will steal your virginity before you are ready, willing, and mature enough to make a wise choice; or you will disgrace the family by hitching-up with a certified-loser. These are the natural fears and nightmares of both parents. Like it or not. So many daughters are disappointments, and really don't give two sh*ts what their parents think. Then have no one to turn to, when the world comes crashing down on them.
They're left as struggling single-mothers, robbed of their dreams, and emotionally-scarred by their bad choices of men.
They (both parents) want the best for you, want you to be happy, and may sometimes go completely overboard in trying to make that happen. Love pushes us to overdo things to prove it sometimes. Even to the point of making you unhappy, and forcing you to pull-away. Some parents are even intentionally a pain in the ass; to make sure you will not linger far beyond your expiration-date. I don't think that applies here, but sometimes it will. They do want you to yearn to get out on your own. So they stir the nest.
Your domineering-father has yet to see how mature you are. In his heart, he IS impressed with your grades, very proud, and he is pushing you to do and be your best. He pretends to ignore your academic achievement; so you will not become complacent, or lose your ambition to succeed. We still have to prove ourselves to our parents. Why shouldn't we? They provided us with life, fed and clothed us, and gave us our genes. The least we can do is show them we can take the baton, and carry-on the family genes and heritage successfully into the future.
I will not comment on religion. That varies among ethnic groups and traditions. That area is too diverse, and you know where that applies in your situation. As long as you live with your parents, you abide by their rules. You uphold their values; until you can move-out and implement your own lifestyle, and form your own system of values.
Someday there will be a boss and/or a husband in your life. They will also make demands of you. Now is your time of preparation. Just hearing one-side of the story, and in all fairness; I'm not sure if your dad is overstepping his parental-rights. Most dads nowadays are absent from the lives of their children altogether. Some simply don't give a damn what you do; or if you fell off the edge of the earth.
Living in his home, you are bound to his rules. Leaving before you are able to fend for yourself will only prove him correct that you don't make good choices; and you're rebelling without much to back it up. You also have to remember that a parent also challenges their children to see what types of choices they will make, what you're made of, and if anything they've taught you sticks. If you are too passive or submissive, he will see that as frailty; and will protect you with all he's got.
If you consistently demonstrate your maturity, show your own independence and individuality; and let him know that you are not so in-love with a guy that you lose all sense of yourself; he will be forced to stop treating you like a child. You will be his child until you're 80! He may be the naturally domineering-type; but draw from that strength, and use it as your own. Someday you may be a mother/parent, and will see it from his point of view.
"Respectfully" tell him that you're no longer a child, and you're approaching the age that you will have to take care of yourself. He cannot always make decisions for you. He knows it, but he has to hear it coming from you without fear or intimidation. When he realizes you have the strength, he will back-off. Not without reasserting his authority, to make sure you know he demands respect while you remain under his roof.
If you fall apart and become a drama-queen when a guy breaks your heart; he's going to fly into daddy-mode, and protect you from all harm. Tell him, with all due respect, that his domineering and over-protective form of fathering is pushing you away. He doesn't have to bully you to maintain your respect and love.
What you need to keep in-mind, is that you still have your boyfriend. Three years you say? Dad just isn't easy to impress. Even though your father won't yield, you pretty much still do as you please. He's just not letting up; because until you're out on your own, he's still papa.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 Hard to reply without knowing a bit of background. Granted, your Dad sounds somewhat more overprotectve than the average Dad ( and all Dads are overprotectve of their young daughters to some extent ) but , without knowing why.... I mean, if you belong to a culture were daughters aren't supposed to date AT ALL ( strict Muslims, for instance ) ,or even where you are expected to accept an arranged marriage , well, are you really surprised ? In this case, it would be very hard to have him come around, you should just grin and bear until you actually CAN leave his house.
Because, I suppose it has dawned in you, OP, that you are of age and you do not need your father's permission to move out ? You just need a job and an income, and, in case you can't get one now because you study full time, all this will change, MUST change, once you have completed your education ( in a couple of years right ? ) . Now I know that 2 years at 18 may feel like an eternity but.. what choice have you got, OP,- his house his rules, and until you live there on his dime...
Another thing we would need to know to answer you , is if he has any REASON to dislike this particulat Bf. Maybe not you, OP, but some posters make it sound as if their fathers are these incredible , unreasonable blowhards- and then it turns out that they are dating gang members, or snalltime crooks or other varieties of undesirables- and in this case Dad is not being a crazy tyrant, he is simply tryng to do his job as a father, which is to protect you from trouble if you do not have sense enough to do it by yourself.
In case you are just unlucky and got saddled with an overbearing, domineering parent, which won't bend no matter how responsible you act, how good your grades keep being, and how decent a guy your Bf is , the advise , as lame as it is, can only be : be patient and hang in there, OP, soon you WILL be able to move out, how could Dad stop you if you / your bf are able to support you ?
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