A
male
age
41-50,
*ind80
writes:Yesterday my girlfriend and I had another fight and she provoqued me by saying she had no money to buy the plane ticket so I should be the one doing it. I did it. When she saw I could do it she started to play victim saying that she didn't want to go. This morning she prepared me breakfast and lunch, she played nice all day long, trying to make me change my mind. She said to me:"let me just ask you this: Do you love me? If I change do you believe our relationship could work?"I replied yes to both questionsthen she said:"but I will never change. Do you love me like this?"I said: "Like this I don't love you."She left my room and kept playing nice all day long.3 hours after I went out and she said nothingand in one hour she disappeared from the house with all her things.She called me to ask where I was and I replied I was talking to my students and was going home. She said:"I'm leaving and just wanted to say goodbye"When I arrived home she was not there anymoreAfter the phone call she sent me a message saying:"you just have one word to say"I said nothing.Later I called her and said she should not behave like this. I asked her to come for us to talk. And she started to say that I didn't said nothing for 3 hours and so now it has no meaning. I continued to speak nicely saying to her that I was hurt but I also love her, and this behaviour was bad for both. But the more I continued being nice the worse she reacted. Is like she felt power in the fact I was nice to her, so she behaved mean. Then she started to shout. When she shouted I replied:"Is ok. Just go away, if it is what you want." and I disconected.After, she sent me messages saying sorry for shouting on the phone and saying I was right about everything I said to her. I didn't replied anymore.Then she started to type on gmail and because I didn't replied she sent a SMS asking me to reply, and ending this with a kiss.I went on gmail and spoke nicely to her. But she continued speaking bitchy to me. Then she said she would never change. She said she would always lie a lot, sneak into my personal things and fuck everyone. Then she started to say she fucked many people, a couple she knows in her new town, her colleague, people in my region, etc.So I replied to her:"Next time, ask for money so that you can solve your issues in the bank quickly".After I said this she disconected gmail.I tried to talk to her by mobile and she threated me like shit. So I sent messages saying:"If you want to go, go away and leave me forever. And thank you for showing me who you are behind the mask. I need a Lover, not a Prostitute, so you made it easier to let you go." After this I sent a last message saying that I love her but she has hurt me a lot and is hurting herself even more with this attitudes. I said to her also that no man could love a woman that behaves like this. And I wished her a happy life. I also said that as I was not talking to her for 3 months before she came on my door, I will stop talking to her forever, and if she comes to my door next time I will not open anymore.I said that this was her last chance. I don't know what to do tommorrow, but I can see the same as the past: the more I'm nice to her the worse she behaves. Is when I abandon her that she threats me very well and respects me.But she lied to me pretending she had no money and that she was lost in the city. In fact she was planning this for a long time. I know her.And knowing what she did today having all this already in her head when she prepared me breakfast and lunch for the first time, makes me feel sick. She is maquiavelic.Today, while in the house, I said to her that she could stay if she wants and cancel her flight, even if I don't feel well, because I love her and I want things to work, and she pretended not to listen. Is like she wanted a revenge, so if I had changed my mind she could not apply it. She needed to make me feel pain.As for the flight, because she said she had no money (what is not true as she is tonight in a hotel) she made me pay her flight with my money.She did it because like this she can use my money instead of hers and will be my lost. So, now I have these options, that I don't know what to choose:A) I let her go without saying nothing anymoreB) I cancel her flight before the check-in and let her be in shit, for what she did to meC) I cancel her flight and pick her up in the airport to talk I feel sad to see she is attached to pain. I said that I love her and that she was hurting me. And instead of accepting this she just gave me more pain. Like usual.She ended the phone call saying that she loves me, in tears when she left but threated my like shit when I called her back.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 January 2011):
 All that stuff you're feeling is what she used to control you and get you to do things for her despite the fact that they were bad for you (like buying her a plane ticket you cannot afford). She manipulated those feelings. You're better off without her. Hopefully you realize this in the near future.
Please do your best to completely cut her out. You will never be happy unless you do.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 you will get over this, maybe writing and writing will help to get the pain out of you. you were good to her and she still treated you like this! one day, and i am not just saying this; you WILL feel peace of mind and you will find yourself amazed at what you tolerated from her and you'll feel stronger from coming out the other side.
lots of people believe that to get over a love, you should throw yourself into a new one. i personally don't agree with this because all i end up doing is thinking 'its not him' and i think you will probably feel that way too if you try to throw yourself back into the dating game too soon.
try making a list of all her good and bad points and the good things she did for you and the bad things she did to you. you keep mentioning the nice breakfast she gave you on the day she left, just goes to show that nice actions can have totally false and twisted motives sometimes.
i can't speak for everyone that uses dear cupid obviously but for me, i started to use it after heartache and disappointment of my own, i found the site to obtain advice for myself and i posted some questions anonymously, so i for one, understand what it feels like to have loved and lost - and gotten over it.
i don't think this is the last you have heard from her to be honest but i just hope that if / when she does come crawling back you have by then gained the strength to not get sucked in again. the relationship was not a healthy, caring, equal one and you know it! and while you are still tangled with her you are not free to have such a thing with someone more deserving
take care, keep busy and stay strong
xx
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A
male
reader, Kind80 +, writes (19 January 2011):
Kind80 is verified as being by the original poster of the question To all those that have helped me...
I show the end...
Today she took the plane and for reasons I don't understand I feel very sad.
It is confusing to know if I really loved her. But I have no doubts I felt a connection with her and I cared for her like she was part of my family.
She gave me no chance.
I went crazy and tried to cancel her ticket at 14h but it was too late. She had already check-in, even if the flight was only at 17h45.
Then I went to the airport to look for her and I couldn't find her.
After, I started to have stupid ideas and went to the police to say she has robbed me by using my VISA without my agreement.
It was an excuse to get inside the boarding area to see if she was there and beat her in her game, making her feel shame. But then, when I started to walk with them, I had a feeling inside me that I should not do it. I was afraid she could have an heart-atack or worse.
I wanted her to feel shame for what she did. But I'm not a mean person and could not go further, with the fear I may hurt her more. So I stopped them and quited.
Then the police said to me: "You can go inside on your own to find her if you buy a ticket. Then you can ask for a refund and just pay 5%"
But I had forgotten my passport so I could no buy it.
I went to the boarding gates to see if I could cacth her before she left. But I waited for one hour there and didn't saw her.
All this time, I tried to call her and her mobile was off.
I left a message saying I would like us to say goodbye properly before we stop seeing eachother forever. But I had no reply.
I was open to talk. But if the relationship had to end I wish it could be in a nonpainful way for both.
But she didn't allow it. She did it the worse way she could. Leaving without saying goodbye and leaving me no opportunity to talk or say goodbye.
I don't understand her. Many times in these last days when we had fights I kept repeating "is like we speak different languages".
It is what I felt and feel.
She is completly radical and extremist. I'm moderated and reasonable.
I went crazy with her, but I also loved her and I do.
I remember that for the last months that I was without her I tried to forget her by seeing and going out with good looking girls. I meet many, but I could not forget her. And I could not do anything as I felt she was the woman of my life and I was cheating on her. In fact I always ended up talking about her to these girls.
Two of the books that I've published were written during those 3 months that I was alone. All the poems are about her.
A friend said to me: "if you can't forget her, write poems". I did it, and I was always full of feelings and words to say. It helped me a lot by doing this, but I couldn't stop the feelings.
She wanted to be accepted and she felt I didn't loved her as she is. But what she is, is in fact a demon. Who would love someone that lies and betrays so much?
many times I felt like she had double personality as she could be extremely sweet and cute, and funny, but also a witch full of anger and maquiavelic madness.
In fact is what she did in the day she left. She prepared me breakfast, took it to the bed (as I was feeling bad), and was very nice to me. While doing this she asked if I love her and if I believe the relationship could work. I said yes. In the afternoon, she disappears forever, and threats me like shit on the phone when I call her back.
Who is going to love someone like this?
One of my friends talked to me about dynamics and said that probably she can find a person that she can be happy with.
If I could believe this, it would be easier as in my love for her, I want her happiness, even if without me.
But I don't believe in this. I believe that she had many relationships in which she didn't fight and had so many problems, like she had with me. She told me this also.
But also she never had a man that was always pushing her up, teaching her how to deal with feelings and emotions, how to express herself and her wishes, how to dream and how to allow love.
She said that thanks to me she felt more herself and the last time had been when she was a child, she felt more strong, for the first time she could express her thoughts openly and also her feelings. And also with me she started to dream more for her life and believing in herself. Thanks to me she found what she can do and loves to do, she started to love more herself and follow her projects and ideas.
She was afraid of all these emotions but at the same time she also said that with her past boyfriends she has been in the most amazing places on earth, but she never felt what she could feel when in my arms in the most crapy places.
As I write this I have tears coming into my eyes by remembering her last words:
"You were my last chance in life"
I wish I could see her change, I wish I could have made it work. I wish love was enough.
Thank you all for being there!!!
You gave me much strenght and clear thought when I needed it the most.
Now I go to hell again in this pain.
I hope to come back soon.
But with her I felt alive and without her I feel dead.
Thank you all!!!
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A
female
reader, Denissia  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Okay,listen carefully and listen well. Change certain people you hang around or keep around you,and your whole way of seeing your everyday scenarios will change. Go ahead,leave her to get on the way she does to embarrass u,let her but put your foot down,by either not being home and stay by a friend for hmmm,lets say two to three days,that should do,i hope your timing is impeccable to avoid her,or just be blunt and say if its what you really want,NO! What do you owe her? Nothing,she has herself in the situation she is in,you are not joined at the hip,so please,right now,she is ruling your life;ruining on top of that. your psyche is uncomfortable i know,u want peace of mind. Just try focusing on a mental picture,picture u want her out of your life,and just like that her interest,or her focus will shift on another,it works,if not be stern and not worry what others think,i dont think they are helping you give her money,its your hard earned money you have to part with,and with her behaviour she doesnt deserve it. Look right now,im wondering if my bf now ex has any food in his house to eat,how he going to get a job,because we only broke up a week now,but enough is enough! Up to you to be happy hun,you're a man,be stern,deal with your business first,remember if u belong,things will flow harmoniously,and your peace of mind is what gets you thru your day;key words here-: You,Your,lol,Enough. Take care
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 January 2011):
You've got to quit being a victim and help yourself. You can do it if you try.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 January 2011):
yes, i agree with walkin dude, if she calls by, howling outside your door, don't be shamed into letting her in. get her removed by the police for causing a nuisance in your building. why should your neighbours have to listen to that? i say cut her out of you life now, if you get back with her and you get her pregnant, boy, that is when your problems are REALLY gonna start!
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): If she comes to your house, call the cops. Get a restraining order if you have to. Don't make excuses for her.
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A
male
reader, Kind80 +, writes (18 January 2011):
Kind80 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've put option B because I don't have enough money in my bank account and she knows it. I have debts and loans to solve and a plane ticket to buy to my home town.
Letting her go is probably the best option, but she said she has no money. I can see now that she lied as she has money for at least one night in an hotel. But I'm not sure how much she lied. And I don't want her knocking on my door and making a scene in my building just because she has no place to sleep.
When she wants something she makes me feel like shit. She is capable of staying on my door in tears, crying loud making everyone believe that I'm the worse man on earth and forcing me to let her in.
Please take into account this to help me.
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A
female
reader, Denissia +, writes (18 January 2011):
Forget her and move on,God is showing you all the signs! Taking her back just encourages her, she probably is bored,and is leeching on u for sex and money. Trust me i went thru it,but the male version,you are better off getting to know yourself better and hanging out with your friends. Im looking too,so i think we should not look,but prepare for the person we want in our life. Alls well that ends well,look for happiness and the consequences of bliss will follow. My heart goes out to you because you love her and she does not reciprocate your love she does worst. She back bites,misbehave and is annoyingly disrespectful and irrational. you deserve better,she does not deserve you. Do like me,travel,meet new ppl,family,forget her okay? You will find what you're searching for in due time,follow the signs God present to u. I wish you the best...
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 January 2011):
hi
i think answer A is your best option. B is tempting but this will open up the lines of contact again when she calls you to give you an earful for making her stranded at the airport with no ticket.
this girl is too interested in drama. treats you like shit when you are being nice, treats you nice when you retreat from her. like always wants there to be conflict on at one least side.
she treats you like she has you on a piece of string, kicks you away and then pulls you back. emotionally draining isn't it?
if this is the sort of life you want though, choose option C. i know that letting someone go can hurt like hell, but you WILL get over it soon enough. if you let this carry on you are looking at emotional crap for years to come
xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (18 January 2011):
 Let her go, cut her lose. Never talk to or see her again. Find someone who is more compatible to you.
I think the both of you treat each other like crap. If I had a BF and he called me a prostitute it would be over in a NY minute.
Very unhealthy relationship you two have. Toxic even.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Why do you like yourself so little that you tolerate this kind of treatment? Do you think so low of yourself that you actually expect to be treated so badly?
End contact, let her go, get yourself straight to the counselor for some in-depth work on your self-esteem. I think that people who tolerate such shabby treatment of themselves actively participate in generating it by finding cruel and selfish people to reinforce their already incredibly low view of themselves. Having the other person there to treat you badly is just a convenient person to blame for how badly you feel.
In other words, you have stuck with this woman because her treatment of you is what you think you deserve, on some subconscious level.
I would suggest you think about this question instead: "WHY do I deal with my girlfriend's irrational behavior and cruelty?" Not "HOW." WHY?
Best wishes for better mental health.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): She sounds like a manipulative b**ch and to be honest i have no idea why you are even considering talking to her let alone taking her back.
Let her go and make somebody else's life miserable. She sounds seriously disturbed and does not give a toss about you she just wants her own way.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 January 2011):
 I pick A and B, and I gotta add that I can't believe you are playing these high school games at your age. She sounds like a nut case to me.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
Cut this woman completely out of your life. You're not happy, that is clear as day. Why torture yourself with someone who does nothing but torture you?
If you can get a refund for the ticket, I would. This bitch doesn't deserve it. I wouldn't bother picking her up at the airport to talk. She moved her stuff out, so good riddance! You never need to talk to her again.
Why do you want to continue being abused?
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A
female
reader, coolbeans +, writes (18 January 2011):
 A. Let her go.
If she is attached to pain now, it will only get worse with time. If you are an otherwise healthy and happy individual, then you need someone who will improve your life, not drag it down.
Imagine her as the mother of your children (even if you intend not to have children). Does she seem able to be affectinate and selfless enough for them?
It may be that she has an emotional balance disorder if she is constantly irrational. Suggest counseling or bid her farewell.
Someone who brings your life nothing but heartache and drama is not worth the long-term investment.
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A
female
reader, Gail Brooks +, writes (18 January 2011):
Dear How to deal with my girlfriends irrational behaviour,
I do really sympathise with you because you obviously have feelings for this girl. But, when I read your letter it suggests to me that you actually have an insight into what she is all about. Your suspicion is that she is using you for money.
It is always a painful experience when someone is using you. My expectation is that she will not change and you can either accept someone using you or look out there for someone who will give you the respect that you deserve. You come across as a very nice person and I am sure you would be able to meet someone equally as nice. Why not try one of the internet dating sites. I am sure you would be successful in an equal relationship.
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