A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear agony aunts,I've known my boyfriend for five months now, and in the beginning I was very cautious. He knew he wanted a relationship with me from the start, but I wanted to take some time to get to know each other. I had never had a relationship before. After three months I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me and he said he did. So, it became official, but ever since I feel like I've somehow lost the 'power' in the relationship. Ever since I realised that he was what I wanted, I've been getting more and more insecure. I feel like he likes me less than I like him, that I'm annoying him (especially since I've become more and more insecure) and I feel like I want to see him more than he wants to see me.He has a lot of (male and female) friends, also in his home town where he goes every weekend (though sometimes he invites me). There is also a girl that he works with in his home town (I have never met her, because the one time he took me to the bar he works she was supposed to be there but called in sick) who likes him. Everyone knows, and he is very nice to her and talks to her on the phone (because they are in the same committee but also friends I think). On her birthday they went out to dinner and drinks afterwards, and because it got late he crashed at her place. He also stays over at other female friends' houses if it's too late to go home, but this bothers me less than with this one girl.He tells me everything because he says I deserve to know what he's up to, and I don't really think he would cheat on me because he's a really good guy (he was a friend of my best friend for years before I knew him) but this still makes me really uncomfortable. I think he knows I'm jealous of this girl and I'm scared this will drive him away.Sometimes I feel so bad I feel like just breaking up with him to make things easier for myself, even though I love him and can't stand the idea of not being with him! So how do I deal? Rationally I think he really does love me (he's said so, first even but before we were 'official') but for some reason I just feel like it's fading because I'm being so difficult. What do I do?
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female
reader, KC12  +, writes (8 November 2013):
 You are well in your rights to be jealous...jealousy is fearing that somebody will take his love and attention away from you, when he absolutely should be devoted to you. Secondly, he really shouldn't be crashing at a female friend's house, no matter if he's physically cheating or not...and really he shouldn't be closer to any female other than you. Especially that girl that still likes him. It's a matter of prioritizing, in a way. I really dislike ultimatums as I usually associate it with game playing but sometimes they are necessary. And, I would advise you to give him one...actually more than one. The first is that he not "crash at her house" no matter who she is with the exception of you. If he is drinking...well then you never know what can happen, especially if some bimbo has a crush on him and may try whatever she can to ruin your relationship. and if he values your relationship enough to never cheat on you, he would understand and comply with your requests that he not pull this "crash at her place" BS anymore. The second ultimatum should be him going home for the weekend less often. Work out a schedule...maybe every other or every third. I understand him wanting to see his family and friends, but if he wants a real, mature relationship with you and not just a "part time relationship" than he should be devoting at least 2 weekends a month to quality time with you. Finally, pardon me for being intrusive...why the heck would he go to dinner with another girl for her birthday?! That seems just plain wrong to me.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 November 2013):
 He did step over boundaries by staying over at the women's places. It's inappropriate when you are in a relationship. You don't need his cheating to feel bad. They can be flirting and messing around and this is already disrespectful to you. I am not sure why you keep on accepting this. If he's drunk then call a taxi. Being late and sleepy is not an excuse to stay over there. Society has glorified the culture of partying, VIPs and socialites. What I see is a bunch of spoiled brats who can't control their actions and use their youth as an excuse to being wasted. He wants a loyal girlfriend on his side but is acting like he is single. I think you put him on a pedestal and undermined yourself. You were right to be cautious about him at the beginning. Still you were ahead of him regards to readiness and a sense of responsibility in the relationship. I do see you liking him more than he likes you. You are feeling so apologetic about your feelings but you are not doing yourself a favor because instead of listening to your body and the warning signals, you are suppressing them in order to appease him so he won't let you go. On your birthday he'd better treat you like a queen. I am sure your style of celebration is not like what he's used to. So there is a compatibility issue too. This is an early stage of the relationship and you are giving him an idea of what you can tolerate. He can love you but he also loves the single life. That's the problem there.
Sex at 5 months of course it's not boring. It's when the novelty dies off you have to worry.
I don't know if you have voiced your concerns without him brushing them away as being neurotic. You have reasons to worry and if he doesn't understand then he's not right for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing: the sex is brilliant. It's never boring, it's passionate, I'm totally comfortable with my body, he's even told me he thinks I'm really good in bed. We're both just very sexual people with high sex drives, but I'm a little scared he'll stay with me for it. I really think I'm overthinking this but I can't stop worrying nonetheless.
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