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How do I accept that he doesn't want to be my friend?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Crushes, Gay relationships, Online dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 April 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 25 April 2018)
A male United States age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I started speaking to this guy 'M' online around 3-4 years ago. Our conversations were very fluctuating, and never particularly in depth but I really like and admire M as a person. We get on great, have so many similar interests, and for a while I did and still do have a little crush on him (in a very innocent way, out of admiration rather than wanting to pursue a romantic relationship). But despite this flutter above all I just want to be his friend. He ended up getting a long term girlfriend who he has now split with and became too busy with life, and we stopped talking for a year or two. But recently I reached out to him again, and he sent me a long, sweet, and heartfelt response which I thought maybe could be the start of a real friendship. I messaged back, he opened it almost immediately but it's now been four days and he hasn't responded.

I am a bit hurt. He told me how great it was to hear from me and I took that as him showing some form of interest. Do you think I am being too hasty jumping to conclusions that he doesn't want to speak, or should I just leave it be and accept it how it is? Or, do I give it one more shot and message him again? I feel like I scared him off because I sent him somewhat of an essay response, but I was just so excited and had so much to catch him up on. I guess I jumped the gun, I feel like I've put my foot in it.

I just don't know how to move past the fact that it feels like he won't even give me a chance. He's a very lonely guy, only has 2-3 friends and I know he wants more - but at the same time he doesn't want to let anyone in. I don't want to give up on him, but I don't know if I should just leave the ball in his court. Any advice?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2018):

I suspect M is not what you think he is.

Considering that you have been in touch for 3 to 4 years now, he mustve caught your attention when you were very young indeed.

Were you groomed by this man?

Its obvious that he wants you to think well of him.

He also wants the community to think well of him.

Does he deserve all this heartfelt outpouring of admiration and are you encouraging him to exploit you?

You never really know what motivates a person do you.

Suppose he were a closet psycho and would dally with you and then need to demean you or disappear you to keep the approval of those closest to him.

You dont know how low this guy would go to maintain his reputation.

Do yourself a favour and look about you for someone who openly wants a gay get together.

M is too random and doesnt sound right despite how he portays himself.

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa + , writes (15 April 2018):

Dionee' agony auntPlease just realise that you're wasting your time by hanging around and waiting for him to 'like' you. He has made himself clear and you should respect that. If he wanted to let you in, he would have so stop over analyzing this whole situation because you seem to be infatuated. If you think that it isn't infatuation then you're lying to yourself because the effort you're putting in doesn't suggest that you want a friendship. Also, nobody damn near loses their mind when they receive a response from a 'friend'. Be honest with yourself and let this go, darling. The sooner, the better. You will be much better off in the long run.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (14 April 2018):

N91 agony auntDo you think this is what a friendship is about? Wondering whether someone likes you or not?

You have messaged the guy and he’s not responding. What else can you do? Just leave it, if he wanted to speak to you he would do. Messaging people when they don’t reply smells of desperation. If you got on as well as you say you did he would have no problem getting back in touch.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (14 April 2018):

You reached out to a guy you knew from years ago. You claim you only want to be friends with this guy. You are totally aware when he had a girlfriend, how long, and know exactly when they broke-up. Yet you have no romantic-interest???

A crush is a romantic-interest, my dear.

I think that you are hoping if you stick around, he might change his mind. He is not interested in a long-distance romance. I think he was clear about that. Slow or no response, means a lack of interest.

Nobody wants to be friends that bad. Letting years go by, then showing-up out of the clear-blue. You are showing all the signs that you have more than just a crush on him.

If it was only about being friends, it wouldn't bother you so much. Your persistence will not force him into being friends. In fact, he can see through your facade.

He was being polite. There is no reason to be otherwise. He is also keeping his distance. Thus, no immediate response to your messages.

He won't give you a chance; because he has you figured-out.

He refuses to lead you on, it seems.

Move on. Don't keep trying until he hurts your feelings.

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