A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. Back in December, i wrote on here for advice on dealing with my insensitive, mother in law. Basically, she said some really cruel things to me regarding me infertility struggle. She told me to "hurry the f@*k up to have a baby because this is her last year alive," making me feel like such a dissappointment. There were other cruel comments made about "whose fault it was", and asking me if my husband shoots blanks. I have refused to speak to her since. Well, fast forward to now, and I am 10 weeks pregnant. My husband and I are thrilled. Apparantly now my mother in law is completely up my ass now that she has what she wanted, but I am still so hurt by the things she said. It makes my blood boil, and Im not ready to move on from it yet. It was a very hard time in me and my husbands life, and the wounds of infertility itself havent gone away just because i am now pregnant. This took me by surprise.(i am still feeling irrationally jealous of others who are pregnant, but maybe it hasnt quite sunk in yet that i am too!) My husband told me she has invited herself to our place next weekend, and I really, really dont want to see her. He said how can I STILL not be happy now Im pregnant, but I AM, im just not ready to forgive and forget. How can i explain to her politely that the damage is done, and she cant just come and act normal like nothing happened aftet her horrendous comments to me?
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (20 March 2015):
Is she dying? You say she mentioned she has a year to live. This may explain her behaviour. I'm not making excuses but knowing she is dying must be traumatic for her. Some people feel they need to end on good terms with everyone whilst others lash out. This could explain her behaviour.I'm not excusing what she's said and done. You had your own struggles too and her insensitivity was awful. Regardless of who she is and whether she is dying or not, it does not allow her to treat you so badly. How does your husband feel about her? Does he make excuses for her or does he feel like you do? If the answer is the latter, both you and him need to make clear to your mum in law how much she has offended and hurt you both. You're adults so can pick and choose if and when you want her around you. Set rules going forward making clear to her that he needs to behave in an acceptable way towards you and not invite herself to your home etc without your consent. Don't allow her to walk all over you and get away with her bad behaviour. I'm sorry she made you feel like sh*t. Try and talk about how you feel with us here or with other family and friends. In time you'll feel happier. If she is dying that is not a reason for her to ill treat you so be firm with her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015): CONGRATULATIONS!!! Good for you!
You can run, but you can't hide. She will simply keep returning until she corners you.
She has a crass way of putting things, and may have just a touch of Asperger's Syndrome; and simply doesn't have the mental capacity or a built-in self-censorship mechanism to gauge the insensitivity in her blunt approach, and vulgar demeanor. She is a salty individual; and you're a little hypersensitive, maybe a tad too "girlie." You're polar opposites personality-wise.
I'm sorry to say, your forgiveness may be of little value to her. She has an aggressive nature, and eats softies like you for breakfast. I know the type. I'm not crazy about them either; but she is your husband's mother. She's in your life for the duration. Therefore, you have to have a thicker-skin, bite your lip, and bear with her for the visit. Unless she's moving-in, don't go running off and give her reason to put your feelings through the grinder.
She'll know you're avoiding her, and will have a field-day with your sensitivities. She will pluck your last nerve!
You have to learn how to deal with unbearable people. That's just how life goes, my dear. Your forgiveness isn't what she's seeking. She may change her ways now that she is aware you're pregnant, and I think you were taking her too seriously out of your tremendous distaste for her crude disposition. She may soften, but may never morph into a doilie-knitting granny. So you'll have to get used to her.
She's salt and vinegar.
In-laws come as a part of the package when you marry someone. Mothers-in-law don't come custom-made to order. You take them as they are. You learn to grin and bear their quirks and eccentricities. You'll also learn to put your foot down; and have the backbone to let her know you're tired of the wise-cracks. There may even come a time when you may have to ask her to leave, when she has gone too far in "your" home. In hers, you're the guest. You leave. If your husband doesn't back you up, it's because you don't show him any assertiveness either.
Let her visit. Deal with it, and it will get easier as time thickens your skin. You will develop immunity, and her words will roll of your back. Trust me, you will. She's going to toughen you up. You can't be too prissy around her, or she'll continue to gobble you up. You've got a lot to smile about now. She's been pregnant before, she will treat you differently. You're going to be a mommy; so grow a sense of humor will ya! You'll need it!
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A
female
reader, CattyCat +, writes (18 March 2015):
 Your husband shouldn't have allowed your mother-in-law to invite herself. He should understand why you're still hurt. Just because she's ill or whatever, doesn't give her the god damn right to use it to control people to bend at her will. It's sick. So next weekend, go to your parents house, and leave your hubby to sort out the mess. Maybe in future your mother-in-law will think twice before she rudely crosses your doorstep without your say so. And maybe your husband will support you instead of his Mum. At the end of the day, you are going to be a Mum, and the struggle it has taken to get to this point has been painful, made more so by that woman. So for her to expect you to welcome her with arm's wide open is RIDICULOUS.Take the weekend off somewhere, and talk to your husband, tell him you are priority and you would've thought after the hurt his mother has caused, he'd be more supportive and protective of you instead of going along with his Mum, pretending nothing happened. And as for the Mother, write her a letter or whatever, stating what she has done, how you will not allow it anymore, and in future if she wants to visit, she has to ask. If she turns up, the door will not be opened for her.Take your time and use the support of your family, because at the end of the day, the baby comes first, so don't overly stress yourself out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (18 March 2015):
 I'd be taking THAT week-end off to visit family or friends. And I would SIT hubby down and tell him EXACTLY how you feel.
He should NOT have invited HIS mother without asking you. Specially not after all the crap she gave you beforehand. HE needs to understand that it's NOT OK for his mother to treat you that way.
Now I DO think it is in YOUR best interest to NOT hold a grudge, it's petty and stressful - and you do NOT need stress right now, and for the next 6 1/2+ months.
ACCEPT that your MIL is a overbearing, rude, obnoxious and callous woman and with that knowledge her past behavior is not really a surprise. SHE is ALSO your UNBORN child's grandmother.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2015):
 I like what SVC advised. You could indeed head out of town for a spa weekend, or to a girlfriend's house.
Or you could go ahead and book some nice spa treatments for yourself on the weekend and ask MIL and hubby for some 'help' ..... "It would be lovely if you could tidy up, do the washing and ironing, the windows need seeing to and the oven could use a clean up. Oh and there's shopping to be done and some meals to prepare. Would you mind making up some nice meals for the freezer that we can cook when the baby's here? And the baby's room will need decorating. I've picked out some paint colors and I think the BQ has a special on tins of paint. I've ordered some furniture for the nursery and you two will need to run out and collect it. (I'm not supposed to lift anything right now, of course.) It'll be a great weekend for you and your Mum to get some things ready for the baby while I of course have to rest and keep myself completely calm and serene for the baby's sake." 3:)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 March 2015):
 letting go and forgiving is not about making her happy it's about making yourself and your husband and your baby serene.
Holding on to anger and resentment will not bother her a flying fig but it will harm YOU and maybe the baby.
MIL sounds like she speaks first and thinks later.
the fact that she INVITED HERSELF to your home (and the fact that your husband said YES without seeing if you were up for it first) means that he has a lot of his mother's rude traits.
any chance you can say to him "you invited her and you
TOLD ME without asking? that's nice.. i'm going to the spa for the weekend I hope you and mummy are very happy together I'll be back monday after she leaves"
do not expect an apology from her. but you have every right to avoid her if she bothers you. BUT you are in the long run just hurting yourself.
Forgive her her trespasses and know that while she's uncouth and ignorant it comes from a deep seated place of love. Hard to believe but it's true.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 March 2015):
Did you husband also tell his mother that she is not welcome at your place until she apologizes? If not, why not?
If she's such a steamroller and he's the asphalt under her rollers, you won't stand much of a chance.
"Dear MIL, while we are delighted to announce that I am pregnant, it has been a struggle to reach this happy point. Alas, we aren't in a position to entertain guests just yet. I'm sure you'll understand, knowing how much you want a grandchild.
"You said some things that hurt me deeply. [Cite them here.] While I know much of what you said came from a place of frustration and disappointment, it nonetheless has left me feeling estranged from you.
"It would mean a great deal to me if you could find a way to apologize for those comments, so we can put a line under the past and move on.
"Looking forward to seeing you on another weekend in the future,
"Your DIL"
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (18 March 2015):
 I suggest writing her a letter. Please do not blame her.. simply let her know about the tough patch you went through and how much it had bothered you to think you were infertile. Let her know how much her comments had hurt you. However, end the letter (for both you and her) that you are willing to let the past be the past. Start over fresh.. leave the past behind. Celebrate this new life and addition to the family. There is already so much to smile and be happy for... so much love! Don't let unhappiness from the
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