A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Just seeking some advice. I have been married for 7 yrs been with wife for almost 15. she's older than me by a couple of years (I am 37 my wife is 43 and my lover is 35). , but I think she is my soul mate. I cheated on her before this time, but this is different. I met a women, Who is cool, smart, sexy and crazy about me. Who is now pregnant almost in her 4th month. I can't have her having this baby, because it would ruin my life.I know I will come across as a looser, but I am not, I have a good job love what I do working with kids, my wife to. we do not have children together. I asked my (secret girlfriend) whom I have been dating for 3 years that I can't see her anymore or be with her if she decides to have the baby. I would like to continue to see her if she gets an abortion, because I do care about her, but I am married and can't be having children with any other women. I think that she want's to keep the baby and stop seeing me. What should I do? I don't want to loose her, but if she has my baby I have to stop seeing her and she is on her own. She said she doesn't need me financially. Which in reality I am very aware of that . She is smart, has her own career, home and financially does better than I do. I like her independence and her will to fight for the things she likes, I don't like the fact that she is stubborn sometimes, but I think that is what keeps me wanting to see more of her, because the more I want to control her, the more of a challenge she is.I know I must look like a coward to everyone here, but I was not expecting to be faced with something like this. I talked to my lover/mistress/secret girlfriend and I can see she is in emotional pain and I do feel bad, but I can't be their for her. I can't spend time with her I can't help her financially and the funny thing is that she has not demanded anything from me. Just time, which I can't really offer her. Should I let her go and let her be happy ?I feel like I am trying to keep her, because I feel that the minute she walks away I will loose her for ever, but I don't want to loose my house, face my wife,her family and my parents and tell them that I had an affair and that I am going to father a child with my lover. How can I tell her to go get an abortion and not make her feel bad. I can't even be with her then.Any advise will help
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abortion, affair, mistress, soulmate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): YOU ARE BEING SELFISH HERE.....Consider what you are doing to everyone around you....Being unfaithful isn't healthy for you, your wife or your mistress....Now rather than sort out the problems in your marriage you had another affair ...so if she aborts the baby you intend to continue seeing her, how grand....YOU NEED HELP and you need to seek it fast. You cannot go around hurting and destroying people for your own self-centered pleasure....Really you should consider some counselling(I'm not saying this in a nasty way)........Why get married if you want to keep running around? ....This is no mistake, but a way of life which has now caught up with you because of your lack of remorse or repentance ....If your mistress did not get pregnant I bet you intended to continue cheating, maybe even seeking another vulnerable prey...It's time to grow up and face your responsibilities.....The axe has fallen, you had 3 long years(actually more because you said you have cheated before) to make amends and change to become a better man but you kept on at it because you were getting away with it....Now is the time put everyone else involved in this before yourself.....Hope you learn from this and become a better person in the future.
A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 hi again
i don't think my last post to you was very useful.
what is the ideal scenario that you would like to be happening? you split with wife but keep the house, she would walk calmly away and you would have not have to face the tongue lashing from her and the parents. your lover would get the abortion but be happy and not emotionally scarred at all and be happy to carry on sleeping with you. is this what you want?
ok, you must surely know this is not gonna happen. have you got NO ideas of how to remedy this situation? its time to start thinking sensibly - my advice would now be damage limitation but it involves manning up to the situation and telling your missus. and yes unfortunately it will involve losing your home and having to downsize, BUT that is a small price to pay for your actions i think. lose the material thing but gain something for your self by showing remorse and honesty. does that appeal?
basically you are not gonna get things exactly how YOU want. those times are coming to an end - you've 'had your day' - so to speak. so you are gonna just have to compromise. you say that you were 'not expecting to be faced with something like this' - the minute you put your unsheathed penis into a woman of child bearing age; you should expect something exactly like this to happen. basic sex-ed should have taught you that
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (31 January 2011):
there's no way out of this unfortunately is there? it is not your body, if she wants the baby she will have it. if you want to carry on seeing her or not is your choice (although the way you are treating her she might decide she wants you out of her life)
so, no easy answer for you or magic solution i'm afraid. you cheated on your wife, numerous (?) times and now your in a mess of your own making. you have treated your wife like sh!t, i suspect you are only with her because of the house anyway (is your wife richer than you?)
you sound like a naughty little boy, done something bad and now scared of facing your wife and your respective parents! you are 37 for Christ's sake! if you hadn't realised it - you are nearly middle aged!!
do you now believe in karma?? your STILL messing about with it! but like i say, there's nothing you can do apart from stand an wait for the inevitable shower of sh!t to fall on your head. i hope this experience has at least taught you a lesson
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): "I can't have her having this baby, because it would ruin my life."Excuse me, but after you betrayed your wife, got your mistress pregnant, all you can think about is how this will ruin YOUR life???Do you not see you've already ruined your wife's life?? yes her life has been ruined, the day you started this extramarital affair, it's done. And do you not see you've possibly also ruined your mistress' life?? And if you abandon your child as it sounds like you're planning to do, you're ruining an innocent child's life.yet all you can think about is yourself. This is appalling.I'm sorry but your life just cannot go on the way it has been. Either get with the program and man up and take responsibility for your actions and let the parties that you have wronged (namely your wife and your mistress) decide what to do with you, or prolong every one's suffering by trying to weave more webs of deceit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): I would just like to say to Cheated now divorced, you are amazing. If only the world was filled with more people like you it wouldn't be such a sad, self-absorbed place. I salute you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): You are due to lose everything - your marriage, your home, your reputation, and your lover. You painted yourself into a corner, and no matter how panicked you are you would be best served to go with the flow at this point and let everything unfold the way it will and just deal with it and learn to adjust to your new life however that will look like.
Let your lover have her baby, it's too late for her to get an abortion and it's cruel and selfish and, yes, cowardly, of you to want to insist that she does.
You need to pay up child support because you are the father.
You need to let your wife curse you to the heavens and leave you, as she surely will. If the divorce is nasty, you need to take whatever she and her lawyer dishes at you because you deserve it.
If your reputation gets ruined, well just deal with it.
Just accept that all this is going to happen, because this is destined to happen. You set the ball rolling by your own actions. So let it happen, and then deal with it.
Your life is going to turn upside down, because you turned it upside down. Don't try to prevent it, because (a) you can't (b) the mere act of trying to prevent it makes you look even worse in everyone's eyes (including your family) than you already do. Have some shred of dignity and at least come clean.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2011): You have destroyed other people's lives. Therefore you have no right to make any demands of anyone let alone of the very people whose lives you have destroyed. Seriously, what do you think gives you the right to demand your mistress get an abortion - just because you are a coward? You should let your mistress have the baby if it's what she wants. It's her body, her choice, you did this to her and are doing zilch for her now so you have no right to make any demands of her....If you must, sign away your parental rights so you won't be financially burdened by your own flesh and blood. But you have no right to demand she get an abortion simply because you're too coward to face the consequences, especially when you are treating her like crap.Yes of course your wife and inlaws will find out and you will lose your house and face their wrath. What do you expect?? You did this to yourself. You betrayed your wife. And showed zero compassion to your mistress as well. And you talk about your unborn child, your own flesh and blood, as an inanimate object to be disposed of for your benefit. You need to face the consequences like a man, stop being so evil. You are messing with other people's lives here.You should let your mistress leave you because she doesn't deserve a jerk like you. And you should let your wife leave you and clean you out for all you are worth because she doesn't deserve you too.You have one last chance to finally be a man and restore some semblance of honor, which is to own up to EVERYTHING and let the full ugly truth come out - take responsibility for your unborn child, and face the consequences from your wife and inlaws even though it means your entire world comes crashing down and you lose everything. You need to just accept that and deal with it.Trying to weasel your way out of it is just going to make you rot on the inside even more AND further destroy other people's lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): I am a female whose husband cheated on her. First I would like to say that his mistress a (surgical abortion)is allowed in most states up to the end of the 2nd trimester. BUT my PERSONAL FEELING IS HAVE HER KEEP THE BABY!(my husband had an affair, with a women for 5 years before I found out. That did not end our marriage, him being a coward and trying to hide things Broke our marriage and shattered my life into a million pieces. 6 months after he ended his affair I found out of it, asked and he denied it, but a females Intuition is for the most part never wrong. I borrowed money and hired someone to dig. His mistress almost lost her life trying to end her pregnancy and my ex-husband didn't even bother to stick around. I set my anger aside and had a conversation with her. As the betrayed wife, we always perceive the mistress to be this horrific person. In my experience she was not. She gave my selfish, cheater, lying, coward Ex-husband 5 wasted years of her life. In getting to know her I got to know who my real husband was. The man she had and the man I knew and married were different people.She had 5 years to come knocking on my door and bursting my perfect marriage (so I thought), but she kept her secret, and my husbands secret till the end. after long conversations with her. All I saw was a sad, betrayed women in love, left with deep emotional scars, with a very high price to pay, the outcome of her aborting the child almost cost her her life and she will no longer be able to have children. Ask me if my ex cared NO!. I gave my Ex husband the benefit of the doubt to come clean and he kept trying to safe his ass. One night I made dinner and our guest was his mistress and the detective I hired. I filed for divorce, he did put up a fight, which it was stupid on his part. After all was done. I went to visit his mistress and gave a check to help with some of the abortion cost, because my ex couldn't even be man enough to help her share the cost. There is a lot more to my story which would make your stomach turn. My ex got what he deserved and I am in a better place now. I only wish men would keep their promises to their wives and respect marriage for what it is and realize that their selfish acts will destroy so many people.)I have taken the time to read most of the answers given to this Coward, can't say man, because it takes more than a set of testicals to define a real man. I agree with most, disagree with ( CaringGuy ) on some things. We can't go assuming this female got pregnant on purpose. If we read this affair has been going on for 3 years, if she wanted to catch/trap this man, she could of done so. On the other hand we can't come down on the mistress after all it was not she, who stood in front of family and friends at the wedding ceremony and VOWED to be faithful to the wife.So let's leave her out of this and I hope she KEEPS her child and take this like a life learning experience. I do not praise her for sleeping or engaging in a relationship with a married man. I am just saying, just as she could of run as far as she could from this man , he should of kept his VOWS to his SOUL MATE as he refers to his wife. I see no remorse in this mans words as I read his posting, his just a selfish person. Protecting himself and his reputation. So my advice to the coward who wrote this post is GROW UP let your mistress have her child. (hers , because in reading your post I don't think you have considered that it is a living person growing in your lovers belly, one who is not at fault, it was you who could not keep your pants up and be faithful to the women you married. You want your lover to abort the child so you can continue the affair with her. YOUR just awful! other wise you will dump her in a heart beat if she keeps it. I say let her keep it and dump her it's the best thing that can happen to her. In regards to your wife I wish she loves herself more than she loves you and walk away from you as far as she can.)Maybe one day when you man up you can realize the DAMAGE you have done to these people that love you and maybe then you can see the consequences of your child like actions. Men like you shame the real decent men that are out there.Grow up, keep your pants up and stop throwing the word (I LOVE) around, because I don't think you know the meaning of it. Remember all the bad we do to others one day will come back to us. The day that happens take it like a man and learn to embrace it and learn from it. I don't think you have any idea what kind of emotional pain your lover is in now and how devastated your wife will.Your answer to your question (how to tell your mistress to get an abortion NOW)ANSWER: You can't! you have no right to ask this women to face a future of regret, you have no right to end a life not yet born. If she want's to keep the baby , she should, by what you say, shes capable of raising this child with no help from you. Let her go. If you you have some morality left in you maybe you can support this child. Go and talk to your wife and be honest about everything and tell the TRUTH ,if she asked questions answer them truthfully, because their is nothing more hurtful to a person than knowing that they were not even worth the truth.Good luck fixing the mess that you created for yourself.No one is to blame but you.By. Cheated, now divorced wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): .....it would ruin your life??????? Sorry but you won't get much sympathy on this one....lets forget your life at the moment....and think about the one you created.
TRUTH... will knock on your door one day... ...literally....4 months pregnant!!!!!
If you were to tell the truth now and 'risk' it all....which should not be too hard as you were already RISKING everything by been unfaithfull in the first place...who knows you may work it through.
This is not about your life anymore because you created a new life, it is about this unborn childs life.
I hope all works well for all concerned...try not to panic and be a man,face the truth...take responsibility....then sort your life out and choose which lady you want to share your life with. You may make a great father and miss out on something way more precious than any house.
spunky monkey.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 January 2011):
You're basically done.
1 - She has already said no chance of an abortion (this was the hint when she said she was independent).
2 - If she did, she'd not forgive you for it anyway.
3 - You may have overlooked the fact that she purposefully got pregnant by you.
4 - Upon having the baby, she will hit you for claims - her saying she won't will run out the moment she has it and is legally entitled to it.
5 - That child will one day come knocking at your door expecting answers, at which point all will come out.
6 - Legally, you have no say in any abortion and can't force her to have one.
You are out of luck on this one, big time. If I were you, I'd come clean about all this ASAP. It is inevitable that will come out, inevitable that your family will find out, inevitable that your life is going to go down the toilet. At least if you come clean yourself, there won't be a huge sudden surprise when your mistress demands payment/support.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (29 January 2011):
 At this point, it's about damage control - never too late to start doing the right thing.
First, the abortion isn't happening. It's legal in many states at this stage, and I suspect it's not a moral issue for your mistress any more than it is for you. However, she's 35, career-oriented, and childless - baby rabies are in full force. You should have known that when you started seeing her. Few things could convince her to have an abortion, least of all you.
Second, you owe your wife and "soul mate" (not that I believe in such things) an explanation and apology. Or would you be alright if she got pregnant by another man and didn't tell you? Golden rule at work, here. If you really want to keep your marriage, first step is to fix the broken part - all the lies. Maybe she'll even be up for it, who knows. She did not sign up for this when she married you, come forward and try to fix it now.
Third - you say she doesn't need your help with the kid. That will change the moment it's born. She will hit you up for child support. Make an offer now, one that is entirely covered by your own income, so your wife doesn't end up having to pay it for you (family court gets complicated that way, so set something up *now*).
Fourth, you need to stop rationalizing all your actions and trying to hide from the consequences. This will only make you unhappy, and will hurt everyone around you. The moral indignation you see in all the answers here (which I share) is just foreshadowing. Turn your life around. Think before you act. Even if you lose everything else after this, you can still start acting like an adult.
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A
female
reader, sweetsoutherngal +, writes (29 January 2011):
even in the most liberal places she can't even have an abortion if she is 4 months pregrant, you need to deal with reality.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): Consequences, mate. Consequences.Don't say you love your wife. You don't. If you did, none of this would be happening. You don't betray someone you love.But be this as it may, you DID cheat. And you were careless enough to ignore contraception. And now a child, who has done nothing more than dare to exist, is in the mix and all you can think about is how it affects you.You sir, are an embarrassment to the male sex. I feel utterly ashamed that you were born into my sex.Grow up and face up to what you did. You have no choice now. The choice of whether your relationships continue is up to those who you hurt now. Come clean to your wife and let her decide.Then go to your mistress and break it off with her, with the provision that you will be there every step of the way to raise your child.That child does not deserve to grow up not knowing it's father because you were an immature, little fuck who can't deal with responsibility.You deserve all the pain that is going to come for you.Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): You can't make her get an abortion that is not your choice. Your choice was to wear a condom but instead you chose to put your wifes life in jeopardy by having unprotected sex with someone else. You should let her leave you. It is better for her. Let her be with someone else eventually. You have no intentions on loving her, being with her, marrying her, or having a family with her. She is so smart? No she is not but cause her choice in men is retarded. I feel bad for all of you. I feel bad for you the most. you do not even see how terrible you are. You are playing with her life. THIS IS HER LIFE you are selfish. Let her have her child if she wants and you leave and don't look back if you want. I hate to come down on you so so hard but from the outside this is just a disgusting situation. Believe me this woman is in a type of pain you cannot imagine at all. You helped cause it now allow her to get over you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): You ruined your life when you cheated, not when your mistress got pregnant. Man up.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (29 January 2011):
 You have no problem. Your mistress will not abort and you will not be able to convince her too. If you suggest it, she will dump you.
Sorry you like her, because when's she's a mother it will be difficult to continue the affair. I suggest when you get another mistress, you make sure she's barren and can't have children.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 You don't want to be judged as a loser or as a coward. I wonder how you do want to be judged? As a 30-something guy who lives like a 60s charachter from "Mad Men"? Back in the day when you could have a mistress at your beck and call and who would do whatever you wanted?
"I don't want to loose my house, face my wife,her family and my parents and tell them that I had an affair and that I am going to father a child with my lover." OK, you recognize those are the likely consequences. Why do you think those would be the consequences? Is it perhaps they think you've done something wrong, even though you think you haven't? Or is it because you know it's wrong, but you think you're entitled to do it anyway?
You're 'willing' to keep her as a mistress if she has an abortion, but otherwise she's history. I give you great credit for your candour, if nothing else.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (29 January 2011):
 What a mess! You go on and on about how much you love your mistress and don't want to hurt her, but you hardly mentioned anything about your poor wife's feelings! Your mistress is 4 months pregnant... from what I know, it's too late for an abortion in many states. I guess it's a good thing you like working with children because it looks like you will be a daddy soon!
I can assure you there is no way you will be able to keep this secret from your wife. This is HUGE... and it's bound to rear it's ugly head eventually. When your wife finds out about your love child, I'm fairly confident she is going to leave you. For most women, this is not something they are willing to put up with. She will be devastated beyond belief... she will feel like you've stabbed her in the heart. I'm not really sure you even care though. Oh well... she will be free to find a man who actually values her and wouldn't dream of cheating on her.
In addition, you will lose your home, and any respect that your parents and in-laws ever had for you. On the bright side, you won't have to hide your illicit affair anymore.
Are you going to be man enough tell your wife about your mistress' pregnancy? Or will she have to learn it the hard way, from someone else? I suggest you start figuring out how you are going to break it to her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2011): It's doubtful she will have an abortion. Fortunately for her she is able to eliminate you from the picture. I would consider getting a vasectomy so you don't have anymore unwanted children.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 You cannot. You have no right to because she has made it clear that this is not her intention, you cannot pressure her into it. You should have been aware of the consequences of your actions and now is the time for you to take responsibility.
Clearly I will have no luck in persuading you to tell your wife, but I would like to express how offended I am by your actions, by your behavior. How can you claim to love someone if you are willing to do this to them with no shame? Why are you with your wife anyway if not for the security of having someone? You are wasting what precious years she has to find someone who would be loyal, you are wasting the time she has who would devote more time to be with her and show her that they love her instead of running off towards some other woman every chance they get. You see there is a reason why infidelity is such an awful crime.
You knew that this was cowardice before you typed those words. You know what you have to do but you won't do it and why? If any reason other than pure cowardice or cruelty, I don't know. I can only urge you to confront the problems you are facing right now and come clean before things become for too entangled to deal with.
I hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (29 January 2011):
 "How can I tell her to go get an abortion and not make her feel bad"
You can't. Can't say I really feel sorry for you in this situation as it was completely constructed by you and your wandering penis.
I gotta ask dude.. seriously.. when are you gonna grow up and start caring about what your actions are doing to the people around you?
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