A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi ,My partner and I have been together for four years. We both have full time jobs and we work all the time ( I often work when I get home from work and at weekends too when I need to- to be honest I enjoy working).Lately he has been snapping at me alot, I like to talk about random things like fashion, hair , tv, beauty and work etc etc and he will just snap at me telling me to "shut up , I'm not interested in hearing it" .. Then he will go upstairs to get away from me. He will get annoyed even if I sit near him or kiss him or hold him - then we end up just ignoring each other the whole night. He spends his time online playing games or reading up in things and I am not a chatterbox but he makes out like I annoy him 24/7..yet he's too happy to request sex at his convenience.I've constantly been asking him to help me around the house, chores, cleaning cooking etc however I always end up doing everything and I work 2 hours from home so I get up at 5am and rarely get home until 6 pm so each night is chores and working and no downtime for me.He's in ALOT of debt from his life before me , and we are both paying it off together but he hates the fact I need to spend money on clothing (shoes were in holes) and he's yelling at me that I drain all his money... Yet I spend my life working ...How can I get him to help me out? How can I tell him that his snapping and shouting at me is hurting me...is it my fault?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): You are all right.I'm going to break up with him.Tonight was my final straw. I got home in a marvellous mood(he pulled a sicky from work) and I greeted him happily (considering I'd just travelled two hours on public transport) and I got a grump.Then I was doing my chores, whistling and humming (as you do when your in a good mood ) he tells me to shut up "I'm trying to concentrate".So I sit down to relax and read articles and have a chuckle at some of them and he goes into a complete rage and flies off the handle starts yelling at me telling me I'm a bitch and selfish and that he's trying to "concentrate" he made me go upstairs , so sat here on my own writing this.I've made my mind up now.There's got to be something better out there for me than this ...wasted four years of my life and my virginity with this guy when I could be out dating while I was young, hopefully I can build some sort of life for myself and I think ill stay away from guys for a while and just have fun dates and let my hair down..Thank god , to answer your questions, no we don't have kids thank god for that. And we aren't married. And never do I plan to marry such a pig.Thanks all. I guess it's all up to me from now on.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 Ok so you are not going to just up and leave. Therefore you have to set it up so he’s so miserable he throws you out right? Do you want leaving to be his idea?
Do you OWN the home together? Is your name on the DEED and the mortgage? Or do you rent it and is your name on the lease then? IF you have NO legal obligation to the owner of the home (you are a renter with him and he signed the lease) then it’s not so hard. IF you own the home with him, then it will require a lawyer much like a divorce. BUT if all you do is pay your share of the rent, then stop. Just tell him, NO I can’t afford it. He’ll throw you out. END of problem.
Finding a room to rent or a new place to live is not that hard, breaking a lease, can easily be done, my husband did it on his apartment when he moved to be with me. I did it many years ago to buy the house I now own. Breaking leases is so common they have language in them for just such a thing.
First thing you must do, is start your exit plan…. If you share a family cell phone plan, move your phone to your own account. Better yet buy a new phone plan with a new number that he does not know about… step one.
Step two.. map a budget for yourself.
Now about how you live currently:
Stop talking to him at all. He doesn’t care and doesn’t want to hear it. So IGNORE HIM. When he comes to you for sex say “NO” not interested. IF HE FORCES HIMSELF ON YOU, call the police. That is called assault and rape.
START living your life for yourself (much like he’s doing already). Do not cook for him, do not do his laundry, do not clean for him. IF there is a spare room, move into it.
As for chores… do only your own. IF there are two bathrooms in your home, you use one and let him have the other and do not clean his rooms only your own. Take all your meals alone.
DO NOT pay his bills, old or new. DO NOT ask his permission for anything personal. TREAT him currently like a business partner that you do not trust.
YOU are not at fault. His behavior is clearly his way of letting you know it’s over.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 You don't have family or friends were you are at now either. He is not your family, and he is not your "friend ", he's just some guy who's siphoning off all your resources.
If you are afraid you'd be "alone "- think about it- you feel alone, are alone now too, that's just what you are complaining about in your post. Only, now, you are spending a lot of money and doing a lot of chores while being alone. If you move out, at least you can be alone while you save money away and wear decent shoes.
As for the " joint " bills, if you refer to his debts, they aren't joint bills, they are an extravagance ,HIS extravagance, that you cannot afford. If you are talking about utilities and other household expenses , they are only joint until you live there. Move out , and let him swim or sink by himself.
Or, stay- and patiently wait for the day when his debt will be paid off and he'll be free to give you the boot, ( as he gives all signs of wanting to do if he only could ), leaving you totally drained and resourceless financially, mentally and emotionally.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 April 2013):
 Maybe one of the other aunts can help you out with the procedure in the UK, but here in the US, typically in newspapers and online, there are many places where you can sublet or rent a room from someone as an interim to getting your own place if you can't afford right away to foot the bill. You never mentioned kids, so I'm assuming you don't have any.
Find someone who is renting out a room...typically you can save a lot of money, and I'm guessing that you'll get snapped at a lot less.
When you get away from this guy of yours, I'm guessing you'll realize just how much money you truly have when he's not draining it out of you. Your "joint bills" are not his debts. That's him using you as a meal ticket.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): Instead of throwing away your hard-earned money by paying off the debts of a useless, verbally abusive shack-up boyfriend along with his dead and deadbeat relatives, why not use it to find your own place? Apparently what you believe the "something" that needs to be done is he has to magically change into the person you want him to be, and that is not going to happen. "I am not delusional or an idiot and you cannot assume that about someone you don't even know."No, I can only assume it by what you've posted. Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome every time. You didn't like the advice you received last time, so now you've posted again while omitting the more unsavory details (boyfriend wanted his aunt to move in with them so he could rent her house and pocket the income) to present shack-up boyfriend in a less unflattering light, but that doesn't change the fact that you're spending your money paying off debts for which you have zero responsibility and not only is that turd totally ungrateful, he's treating with you with absolute contempt and disrespect while walking all over you because you continue to allow it. If I were in your situation, then I would consider having to look for a place to live knowing that I still had the good credit to afford it and facing the prospect of being by myself instead of sharing quarters with an abusive jerk and his deadbeat relative(s) to be a step up.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (7 April 2013):
 I am sure you are neither delusional nor an idiot and the problems you list are real, the problem is your boyfriend knows all this too, that he has you trapped, you have nowhere to go etc and he is using that to his advantage, he is using it to blackmail into accepting your slavery, i know that is a blunt term but that is exactly the position you are in, you are not his partner as things stand, because if you were his partner you would be his equal.
You dont have to pay joint bills if you move out, which if I am honest is exactly what I think you should do, there are ways around these problems and for your own good I think now is the time to find them, because this relationship has run its course. It is healthy for neither of you and should end I am afraid x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): Thank u for the advice everyone.
Yes I did post the aunt question but it isn't just as easy as to just break up . We have a home together, connections, bills we pay together, I would have to move out, find a new home and I have no family or friends nearby at all.
Please do not tell me to "smarten up" I know what the advice means and I know something needs to be done.
I am not delusional or an idiot and you cannot assume that about someone you don't even know.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 April 2013):
 I think that you have described a "relationship" which has run its course.....
The behaviour of your "boyfriend" is oh-so-common for a partner who has other things on their mind... and other romances that they want to pursue.... and... the "snappiness" reaults from their getting impatient to (finally) start the breaking up process....
Viewed from that point, perhaps you need to look more-critically at what is going on between the two of you... AND suggest that a break(up) is in-order....
Good luck.....
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (7 April 2013):
I, like the two other posters, think the problem is not with you but definitely with him and this relationship. He seems extremely controlling and draining to me, and he puts nothing back, leaving you in the position you are in. I think you need to take a long hard look at this relationship and whether this is best for you and think again. All that is going to happen is he is going to keep snapping and shouting, you will internalise this as you have already started to do and end up a shell of a person.
You said he has a full time job too which means he should be spending his money on paying his debts, not yours. At the moment he isnt treating you like a partner at all but like his own personal slave and you are letting him and it is killing you inside. I think you need to make a stand for your own good, even if it means the end of this relationship, because even if it does, there is better out there for you than this, I can promise you that, good luck x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): "He's in ALOT of debt from his life before me , and we are both paying it off together"You are not legally or morally obligated to pay off one cent of your shack-up boyfriend's prior debts (nor are you obligated to pay off his dead mother's and living aunt's debts if you are the author of a previous eerily similar post). "but he hates the fact I need to spend money on clothing (shoes were in holes)"He hates the fact that you have money to spend on yourself and he doesn't."and he's yelling at me that I drain all his money..."He's pissed off that you aren't spending as much of your money on him and as you are on yourself, he doesn't get any tangible benefit from you spending YOUR money to pay off HIS debts. "How can I get him to help me out?"You can't. All you can do is help yourself out by dumping him so you won't have any reason to continue throwing away your money paying off a legal stranger's debts. "How can I tell him that his snapping and shouting at me is hurting me...is it my fault?"He already knows and doesn't care . . . no, it's his fault.If you are previous dead mother and living aunt poster, then you're not going to want to hear the advice you're going to get any more than the last time. If you don't want to listen to reason in favor of clinging to whatever delusions you're clinging to, then nobody can help you unless/until you want to help yourself. Smarten up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 April 2013):
And why would you be working your ass off to help him pay his debts ? How would you be draining off HIS money, if you use YOUR hard earned money to buy yourself the new shoes you need ? How does it work, that his money is HIS money, and your money is HIS money too ?...
Not such a sweet deal for you. You need , first and foremost, to come out from such a punitive ( for you ) arrangement.
You are not even married nor you mention having kids together, why do you accept this kind of financial set up with a guy, who, from the way he treats you, would probably prefer to be your EX boyfriend if it wasn't for the paycheck you bring home , which he needs to help him pay off his debts ?
Sorry to mention that, which apparently did not even cross your mind, but you need to reflect a bit on that too. I mean, he does not want to talk to you , he does not want to share chores, he does not want to kiss you or hold you or sit near you, or spend time with you, or be nice to you .... but he DOES want your money and work around the house ?
Hallooo? Don't you find anything strange in this picture ? ...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 April 2013):
Unless you two are married, you should not contribute one red cent to his debts, and he does not get to criticize how you spend your money.
Other than that, you ask how to tell him that his snapping at you is hurting you? You do it bluntly and directly. It's preferable not to do it in the heat of the moment, meaning not right after he does it. Just say to him "We need to talk". That strikes fear in many guy's heart to hear those words.
Then just tell him that that needs to stop now. Tell him it hurts you when he constantly does that, and it needs to either stop, or you'll stop it by leaving.
As for cleaning duty, assign specific duties rather than just "You need to help me". Then you do what you have agreed to, and leave what he needs to do to him. If he's supposed to take care of dishes and he doesn't, they'll pile up.
If this guy keeps treating you like this, then find someone better than him. People tend to act like this when they take their partner for granted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): Unfortunately there isn't anything you can say that will change this guy's behavior except "good-bye."You don't have to put up with being bullied and ignored. Why would you continue living in this hell? He shows you no love or attention; so what reason do you have to stay? You're just his supplemental income. Nothing more.Stash your cash, and put out the trash. Leave the jerk!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2013): first thing you said, hes in a lot of debt from his life before...so it's his responsibility...not yours!! better thing to do is talk. never ever live with someone yelling you..you are not his service. speak up.
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