A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi cupids!Here's one for you...I really, really liked this girl I used to work with. She was undoubtedly the most beautiful, funny, smart and articulate girl I'd ever met. Her eyes just made me melt whenever I gazed into them. She literally brightened up my day whenever I saw her and I will happily admit I was infatuated with her. Buuuut of course she had a boyfriend so it was always a no-go. Despite this we did get on really well in the two years we worked together. We were friends as well as colleagues I guess and could easily have a laugh and a joke and trust each other with personal stuff etc but obviously I could never tell her how I truly felt.She decided to quit in 2017 to go travelling in Asia with her boyfriend and I was gutted when she left. I can't tell you how hard it was holding in my tears on her final day until I got home. I literally wept in my bed for about an hour. She was gone out of my life forever. She's back in the UK now but works elsewhere and other than chatting a few times on Facebook (Last time in 2018) we've had no contact. Yet to this day I still haven't really gotten over her. I can't work out why though.I've been on dates and have had a few girlfriends (Though I'm currently single now) so it's not like I've been putting my life on hold just in case she magically wanted to be with me one day. I have been putting myself out there and trying to move on but even when I've been in a relationship and had the distraction of being with another really nice girl I still found myself thinking about her a lot. The thing is, it's not like there was ever anything between us romantically for me to cling on to. I can't say she ever led me on or gave any subtle hints that she liked me in that way. I don't think we even did any harmless flirting. We were friends, that was it. And her and her boyfriend have always been watertight. So what is it? Why has it been over 3 years and yet this girl still dominates my thoughts?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (12 December 2020):
 I think this girl embodies all the qualities you seek in a partner. Because you have not yet found that partner, your thoughts keep returning to her as the "ideal". This is understandable and counter-productive at the same time. It's understandable because most people have qualities they look for in a partner, but it is counter-productive because you are probably - whether consciously or subconsciously - comparing your dates to this "perfect" girl. They are all going to fall short for the simple reason that none of them ARE her.
It's good that you no longer have regular contact. Now you need to try to train your brain to let go of this image and to be open to others who come into your life. You are not going to find a carbon copy of this girl. She was already taken and was obviously not meant for you. That is not to say you cannot treasure the memories of your friendship but I fear, until you learn to put her memory in the past where it belongs, every girl you date will fail to impress.
I hope you find someone soon with whom you feel the same connection as you felt with this girl. Hopefully then she will become just a fond memory and you will move on with your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2020): Obsession over beauty often comes out of idolizing and worshiping people from a place of fantasy. It's produced from an overly-active imagination. Placing women up on pedestals, and giving them superhuman or supernatural attributes primarily based on their looks and appearance. Elevating them to almost celestial-status, above all other mere mortals. That might appeal to a conceited person or a narcissist, not a normal individual. In the observer's eyes, she can do no wrong; she's so different from every other female anywhere! Then she becomes objectified like a treasured-prize, or some kind of a trophy. Not a person.
Nine times out of ten, these objects of perfection given such adulation and exaltation; are nowhere near the description given by their infatuated-admirer. It's typical of young-men to find a muse or a goddess. They tend to monopolize his thoughts and fantasies; and the unfortunate side of it is the fixation that often develops into stalking; maybe some kind of scary-behavior, or obsessional activity. The concern is that you can't connect emotionally/romantically with any other female; after claiming there is no romantic-connection to hold-on to. Then your infatuation or fixation is out of control. Three years in someone's absence is a long time to nurture and cling to a crush. Not at your age!
It's time to discontinue contact. Cut all ties! You have a powerful sense of entitlement. It seems you feel you've got to figure-out a way to be with this female. It doesn't seem healthy. Unrequited-love as portrayed in love-stories and chick-flicks is fictional and imaginary. It's weird. Leaning more on the unhealthy-side of feelings. If the feelings aren't reciprocated by your love-interest, that makes it very weird and unsettling.
My friend, it is time to move-on. Maintaining contact is going to lead to something with an unfortunate outcome. She doesn't feel what you're feeling, and you're itching to proclaim your feelings for her. Why else would you post about it? This isn't friendship, it's unhealthy.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 December 2020):
 I have to say it does come of as a bit creep and obsessive. Like, yikes!
You have put her up on this "perfect girl" pedestal for so long that you worship a figment of your imagination more than a girl you used to work with.
While it's good that you KNEW she was a no-go because she had a partner, you should also know that having a 3+ year crush is not healthy.
I can get that she SEEMED like the "perfect girl" to you, the truth ism she probably wasn't as "perfect" as you have imagined.
She is now a fantasy girl and my guess is you compare EVERY girl you date to her, which is unrealistic.
That would be like comparing every guy to (I don't know, let's just use an example) Captain America. With the "perfect" body and "perfect" personality. I don't think many guys would measure up, do you? Because Captain America isn't a REAL person!
It seems you need to figure out why you are so into a girl who is UTTERLY unavailable to you. Who never seemed to LIKE you to the degree you liked her.
It's time to let her go and for you to find someone who IN PERSON will be a good fit. You know some of the qualities you want in a partner. Just figure out how to distinguish the qualities from fantasy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2020): I don’t think it’s necessarily this woman that you you can’t get over - I think it’s what she gave you!You say you could talk about personal things to each other? Emotional intimacy is what makes people fall in love, physical attraction is just a bonus. You built up emotional intimacy with this girl through trust and sharing personal stories. This made this friendship important to you and thus cementing your crush. My guess would be that you haven’t had the same deep emotional intimacy with another woman since. At least not to the same degree. And maybe her also being beautiful made it seem all the more easier for you to make more of this connection than what is was. Maybe it was easier for you to open up to her emotionally than others because you knew she was taken and felt safer? Do you struggle with creating an emotional connection usually? My point is, you may be craving this emotional connection and as you are struggling to find it, you think of the person you had that with. You date these girls that you can’t build an emotional connection with and then think of her. It’s easier for you to think of when you had that rather than create a new one. Your also stuck on the what if? What if you had told her your feelings? What if she felt the same? Your ego keeps drawing you back to her. It’s time to snap back to reality OP. There’s no point thinking what if. She is taken and happy. Stop living in the past and what could of been. There are plenty as equally beautiful women out there that you could build an emotional attraction to other than a taken woman. Either you are picking the wrong women or are struggling to create that intimacy with someone else. If that’s the case think of why you are struggling with that? Emotional intimacy builds up over time it doesn’t happen instantly like physical attraction. Give yourself time to build that with someone else. If it doesn’t happen then they are not for you and look for someone else you can have that with. And stop putting this girl on a pedestal? She’s not the only girl in the world. One day you will meet someone else right for you and you won’t even remember her name. You are not allowing yourself to let go of this crush - YOU are not allowing yourself to move on. Block her on Facebook for your own sanity, seeing her face everyday is not helping you move on. If you want to become unstuck - then help yourself by at least doing that.
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