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How can I stand tall this time without letting him back into my life?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 March 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2016)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hello and thanks for your help.

I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 4 years. His attitude isn't good to say the least. He dictates how long I need to stay when I'm with him. If I can only stay a couple hours he argues. He wants me to consult him on my financial decisions, which I feel I don't need to as we don't live together. He's emotionally unavailable. I tell him it bothers me how he can't give me a compliment or express his love for me. He claims he was different with his past relationships and never had these issues until he met me. He puts me down, accuses me of being unfaithful. If I go out shopping it's like an interrogation and it's very mentally exhausting. He has cheated once on me at least that's what he's admitted to. When I ask him why he did it, he states it was a mistake and at that time he felt because an ex of mine texted me that he needed revenge.

He acts very immature which I've brought to his attention several times and reminded him that were not in high school and we need to behave like adults. He just doesn't listen, or maybe he just doesn't want to.

I'm more than ready to call it quits for goods this time, whenever I do he swears he'll change but it's short lived. How can I stand tall this time without letting him back into my life?

View related questions: immature, puts me down, revenge, text

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntTHIS: "....I've been with my boyfriend on and off for 4 years. His attitude isn't good to say the least. He dictates...." "tells" me that you are wasting your time with this guy. Move on....

Good luck...

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (29 March 2016):

femmenoir agony auntYour on/off bf is the ONE WITH THE ISSUE here, so do NOT TAKE ON BOARD ANY OF HIS CRAP, ANY OF IT!

He is messing with your mind and until now, you've ALLOWED it to happen.

Remember, YOU are in full CONTROL OF YOUR OWN ACTIONS and your bf has not right to dictate how you behave, what you do, nor where you go.

He doesn't live with you and he behaves like this, so imagine the hell you'd go through, if you actually lived together.

Yes, he is very immature, he is very insecure, he is very unstable and much more.

You need somebody in your life, who is the complete opposite of what this guy is.

What he is doing, is very controlling and by being controlling, this makes him feel better about himself and about the situation at hand.

He may have been raised in this type of environment, hence he doesn't know any better, however, you don't need to take any of this stress and disrespect on board, when you know that it will NEVER WORK, but above all, HE will NEVER CHANGE!

Four years is actually a long time and if he's not changed for the better in 4 years, it's almost certain that he will never change and unless he sorts himself out professionally, he will continue to do this his entire life.

This isn't even about yr bf, this is about YOU, your welfare, your best interests, your sanity, so get out of this horrible, disrespectful, controlling, domineering, selfish, immature relationship. (and i could go on)

Look at it this way, everything that has occurred between the two of you, over the past four years you've been together, is placing you under so much stress, angst and pain, to the point that you have resorted to seeking advice.

Your bf has the issue, NOT YOU! You don't need to take on board ANY OF HIS BAGGAGE AND INSECURITIES.

He uses you as his sounding board, because he can, because you allow him to, so stop doing it now.

You can disengage from anything he says to you and when he says something nasty, derogatory, or anything negative, you tell yourself inside your mind, oh there is that negative voice and negative comment again and i wish to disengage from this comment/thought, because it's not my own words/thought process, it is his words/thought process.

If you have your own inner demons speaking to you, remember to disengage from your negative thoughts, because that's all they are, negative thoughts.

Your inner thoughts, have absolutely nothing to do with reality.

IT's an acquired skill, but once you get the hang of it, it really is very easy to disengage from any negative thought.

It's you pretty much, stepping outside of your own body and saying, this isn't reality, it's all in my head. It's just a mere thought.

The poignent msg within your msg, is when you mentioned that your bf said to you, that he was never like this within his previous relationships, until he met you.

If you disassemble this comment, he is telling you that it's solely because of YOU, that he is the way in which he is and you and we, all know that this is totally untrue, however, this is what he wants you to believe.

Your bf doesn't take any accountability and responsibility for his own actions and shortcomings.

This comment, is a huge put down on his part and this is reason enough, to break up with him and to never look back.

He disrespects you so much, that he is willing to place all of his issues on you.

You must ask yourself, "why do i put up with this man?"

I wonder if you could try a bit of counselling.

Talking to a professional about your feelings and about your situation, may bring light into why you tolerate so much crap.

Could your own self-esteem be low, hence you, not knowing any better, not knowing your own amazing self-worth?

Do the right thing by YOU and break up with him and the SOONER the better.

Don't be afraid of him, just block him everywhere and inform him that if he comes anywhere near you, or trys to harrass and bully you again, you will ring the police.

I wish you all the best!

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (29 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntFollow your instincts and dump him. BLOCK and DELETE his number and remove him from all social media, if he has your e-mail make SURE his e-mail address goes straight to spam or trash folder.

He is blaming YOU for his bad behavior, which means he doesn't take ANY responsibility at all, and he is not treating you well. YOU know this, but you have held out hope that he will change. You need to accept that it will NOT happen. THIS is WHO he is. Who cares who he was in other relationships? IT DOESN'T matter! What matters is that he CHOOSES to treat you with contempt, disrespect and manipulation. It's not good for either of you.

You know what you need to do, so DO IT.

And good luck, You DO deserve better.

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A female reader, wrathykins United Kingdom +, writes (29 March 2016):

wrathykins agony auntI agree, block ALL contact with him. Make sure he cannot reach out to you because that's when you might falter and speak to him.

It's going to be hard at first. But whenever you feel like you want him, just remind yourself of how he acts towards you. Do you really want someone like that or someone that actually loves you?

Keep strong you can do this!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (29 March 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntYou need to block all contact with him. Block social media, phone number, everything. Then carry on with your life. If he lands at your door tell him you will ring the police. You need to stay strong, as this relationship is very unhealthy for you, you deserve better. If he hassles you at all go straight to the police for help.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (29 March 2016):

Tisha-1 agony aunt"It's been a bumpy ride, we've tried for 4 years and it's clear this isn't working. I wish you well in the future."

If you are fearful for your safety then I would encourage you to find a hotline here:

and organize your exit strategy with some help. Perhaps a bit of counseling is in order to sort out why this is so difficult for you?

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