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How can I show him I'm trustworthy?

Tagged as: Love stories, Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 June 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2008)
A age 36-40, * writes:

so i was in a marriage of 12 years to a man in the USA. it was really rough. constant physical and mental abuse and i was pretty much trapped in a hole with this man as i basically needed him around just to survive. i was not allowed any friends or allowed a real job. i had opened a pet sitting business as dogs were the only ones that i could talk to all day. sad... i know.. i pretty much had no life.

so i entered this chat room last january 07 called wierdtown. i figured that i could talk to people on the other side of the world and my husband wouldnt know and if he did, atleast he wouldnt be able to go after this person just for talking to me. anyway.

i have always been in love with australia. it has always been a passion of mine since i was a little girl. the culture, the accent, the animals. just loved it. would watch crocodile dundie once a week. :) well, i was in this weirdtown and just watching what people had to say. nobody had said anything real interesting and every time i said anything in there i was just ignored. i was just about to leave and this person says "any women out there suck a golf ball through a garden hose?" lol i laughed and said to myself, finally. someone to joke around with a bit. try and lighten the day up. cause thats all i was really after was just someone to make me laugh and make me feel better cause i was so misearable.

i looked up his profile and what do you know, he's an aussie. fate? maybe.. so we continue to talk to each other through emails and instant messaging. after a while we started getting really friendly. realised that we both really had a lot in common. so, i got up the guts to end it with my husband. really messy it was too as i needed to take out restraining orders and everything just to keep him away. but i really didnt want to take the relationship any further with my aussie friend with my husband still in the picture.

so, 6 months go by and by this point my internet lover and i really seem to be in love. so, i do the crazy and sell my car and my business pick up and fly to australia to be with him. big step for me as i have never left the east coast never mind the country. so i get to australia and he shows me the country and we did everything that we could with each other and were even more in love than before.

now this man seems to have some trust issues as he has been cheated on and lied to and women have stolen from him. so he has never really had trust in me because of these issues. we are still together now and the love that we have for each other is really intense but he still thinks that i have cheated at times and have stolen money from him and it has gotten to the point that he even wants me to take a lie detector test to prove that i am an innocent, honest and faithful woman to him before he will marry me.

knowing that he even thinks that i can be such a heartless person and do these things to him breaks my heart every day. sometimes i cry myself to sleep and feel so lonely and depressed about it that i dont know what else to do. i dont think we are taking the lie detector as it is way too expensive to have done but i am afraid that if we dont then the accusations will never end and he will never trust me or ask me to be his wife. i love this man with all my heart and i just dont know what else i can do to show this man that i am a good woman. i think i have tried everything. anybody have any ideas?

internet relationships tend to not work out but this man is the love of my life that i have found this way. so. i feel that it is appropriate to ask on the internet for advise with this. if anyone has any suggestions or feedback on this it is greatly apreciated... thank you for reading

View related questions: chat room, depressed, money, the internet, trapped

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

it didnt take a man to make me decide to leave the one i was with. it was more complicated than that. i could not support myself financially to make my husband leave. but being able to come to australia and have this other man support me, was enough of a reason to get out of the abusive relationship. this man is not as controlling as you all may think. he actually saved my life.the guy does everything for me. i even needed thousands of dollars of dental work done that i have needed for years and years and he without even thinking about it made appointments for me to get them all fixed. he has had one scar too many and just his trust issues are terrible. it takes a 15 year old to see this and give me good advice. unfortunatly i have told him everything i can as that i will never do this to him and always be there for him and love him no matter what. i do believe that i have guts and i dont believe that i am needy. it doesnt bother me that he views me as his property. i want to be this mans wife. this man wants me to have friends and he wants me to go back to school and strenthen my education, and as soon as my visa allows me to, he wants me to work in a field that i love. so these men are not the same. all i wanted was some advice as to ways to make him see that i am a good girl and will never hurt him as saying it to him doesnt seem to make any difference. like i said before, a lie detector he feels is the only answer but we cant afford it as we have too much to pay already, dental bills and his schooling ect...leaving this man is not an option. he is the love of my life, soulmate if you will. and just so you all know. i spent many many years alone. i dont need a man around every second. i do have self esteem. i spent years owning and managing a successful business and i took care of family members that could not take care of themselves for years. just wanted to add all this in there so you all dont think i am just lonely and needy and have to have a man around to do everything cause i cant do it myself cause that is not the case. the fact is that i am now 30. i want a good husband and my own family and i want it to be with this man. i just want him to see that i am the right woman that he so hopes that i am.

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A female reader, taina1980 United States +, writes (20 June 2008):

it sounds to me like you have an addiction for controlling men... in the definition of love there has to be trust inthe equation, otherwise there is no love... this man sounds like he doesn't love you... & you sound like(no disrespect) you don't even know what love is... what qualifies me to say this is because I've been where you are many to don't need a man that thinks of you as a thief & a liar...i think you should dump him re-examine your life...come on honey, you left an abusive man to pursue a man you met on the internet... by this I mean it took a man to get you to leave the psycho you were with... umm in my opinion you have a problem being alone & you depend on men far too much... dump the guy & spend & year or two building your self-esteem & strenghth before you dive head first into another abusive relationship...

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (20 June 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntOh dear. Do you know the expression out of the frying pan into the fire? You are not going to want to read the rest but I suggest you do.

You just got out of an abusive relationship, now do something extremely difficult, sit yourself down, look at that past relationship and then examine your current one.

Does anything strike you as similar? "i was not allowed any friends or allowed a real job" vs "he has never really had trust in me"

Both ways of controlling you. Making you their property, to be their wife on their terms. "The controller".

I know this is the last thing you want to hear but you just got yourself another abusive partner.

I can predict what will happen if you continue with this guy, he will forbid you to have friends of your own, be suspicious as hell if you go to work and eventually try to make you quit and get you to stay home all the time.

Get out of this relationship and get yourself some professional help because I am certain you got some issues that cause you to seek out men like this.

If nothing else, ask yourself one simple question.

"Do I deserve to be treated like this" and the answer is NO.

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A female reader, countrygirlWV United States +, writes (20 June 2008):

countrygirlWV agony auntCommunication is the key. Talking and telling him to love u is to trust u. Tell him ur true feelings for him and how much you care just take time to prove to him. My opinion he should have relized how much u care when u come from here to there. But I would take the test just to show him ur all there. But I just want u to know I already apretiate u and ur corage for leaven ur 28 husband it takes guts and girl uve got'em....

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A female reader, LilzDon'tKnow United States +, writes (20 June 2008):

LilzDon'tKnow agony auntApperently this man has had one scar to many. With him not trusting you is an awfull blockage of marrige. There has to be trust to be love. If after theese tips do not work then i would recomend the lie detector just to get the issue over and done with. That way the issue is behind you and you may go on to live your life happy and free with him.

Firstly, you should let him know that if he can't trust you how can you trust him. And if he honestly doesn't trust you how can he love you. (Just be warned he may have agressional issues if he has trust issues. Just somethings that seem to go hand in hand so be carefull of word chioce)

Secondly you should take a week or so off work (the both of you) and spend almost every second together to reassure him that he is the only man for you. (Summer love ;) )

And just for the mentioning, lie detectors don't measure lie's. They measure emotions. So if you are extremely hurt when you take the test the machine will say you lied. Its made to measure body reactions when you answer a question. the emotions making different body reactions such as higher temperature toa simple blood flow rate increasing. (adrenalin pumping ect.) Now.... I'm only 15 but i do know that if it breaks your heart to love him and if you wanna be with this guy forever. Then you should probably tell him how much it hurts and communicate how it feels not to be trusted. Also (with a carefull choice of words) Let him know that its ok to let go of the past. And that its ok to open his heart to a certain individual.

~Hope This Helps~

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