A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I fear I have lost my married lover due to one jealous outburst in a year. I have always maintained complete discretion but last night I found myself angered by him talking openly with other women at a bar when I don't feel that I can even look at him incase someone notices. I pulled him up on it and now I think it is over as he did not react well to this. Is there anything I can do to rectify this situation or have I lost him for good?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (25 October 2009):
 I think the definition of an affair would suggest that it is a limited-time thing, that it has a shorter life-expectancy than a formal one such as marriage. So your expectations for it to last a long time are probably misplaced. His terms, his rules, his decision. You basically ceded all control in the relationship to him, so I hate to point this out, but what do you expect? Does his wife know about you? My guess is no, so this means he's very good at lying to her, hiding things from her and masking his feelings. He probably is a champion at compartmentalizing his life. Work in this area, wife and family over there, mistress in this little slot. Other things encroach? Mistress showing signs of discontent and looks like she's ready to create drama? Dump her ASAP.
I realize this is a simplistic analysis. Essentially, you were hired for a temporary position; when you showed signs that you were unhappy with the conditions of employment, he terminated the arrangement.
I honestly think he was looking for a reason to cut you loose, and you gave it to him.
I know this isn't the question you asked, but I have to ask you something. If you had come out of a painful break up of a long term relationship, were wounded by this and needed healing, why would you then go into an affair with a married man, an arrangement that 99 times out of 100 ends in heartbreak for the Other Woman? It's like you were setting yourself up for more pain and upset. Frying pan into fire kind of decision you made there. So now you have to heal from this, beat yourself up about this failed relationship and you still haven't recovered from the last one?
Honey, you are making some very poor choices in your life, I think.
Just think, if you had taken this past year off from men, used it to figure out what went wrong with the last relationship, did some work on yourself, and then set yourself up to meet some great eligible men with a rejuvenated mind and spirit, you'd be in an entirely different place right now.
So how will you spend this coming year?
A
female
reader, Accountable + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
Why on earth are you upset at the prospect of losing him?? He's proven himself to be a cheating, lying, manipulative piece of shit - surely Dating 101 dictates that these are the types of guy that you avoid at all costs?? What do you expect to get out of being with this man, honestly?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
You're so right about the self esteem...the first thing I thought is "he'll never speak to me again, he hates me now". I put this down to having come out of a twelve year relationship a couple of years ago and I'm not sure I've recovered from that fully. Nevertheless I went into this knowing that my lover was married and accepted his terms. I have no feelings of jealousy towards his wife and he has given me no reason at all to mis-trust him with other women, which is why I'm annoyed with myself for over-reacting in this way and losing him for good.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
 If you've "lost" him, then you should maybe be happy about the fact that you got the better deal, which is that you'll get over him in a little while, but he's stuck being an asshole forever. :)
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
 Tisha, I have never seen anything like it until I watched my friend go through all the stages of unraveling into a complete mess over this guy. It scares me actually. The first year she was pretty casual about it and I guess the sex is over the top. Then she got the STD. Broke up with him for a couple of months and then went back. Then came the DUI- he was the one buying her drinks that night and let her drive home. He wasn't there for her when she got her license revoked for 6 months but her friends were, driving her everywhere. Then came the personality changes in the second year. The eating disorder, the compulsive working out, the anxiety, the guilt, the addiction to him..He got stronger and she got weaker. I started to hate him because he would play games to make her weaker.
She's only 30, makes a 6 figure income, is gorgeous, owns her own home, has a ton of friends and thinks she's a piece of shit. She tells me no normal guy would want her now and when one does, she runs back to the married guy. He blatantly messes with her head, tells her he wants what's best for her and sets her up with gay guys and then laughs about it and makes fun of her. I told her to check herself into a private clinic for a month to break the addiction, she may do it, she has the money.
It's now well into year 3 with him and I can't even talk to her about him anymore, won't do it. I hate him for what he's done and so do all the rest of her friends.
I can tell you for a fact that these guys don't feel an ounce of anxiety or remorse for what they do. I've watched him in action and seen other married men do the same it's evil, evil stuff.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
Good point there, Oldersister. The notion that her self-esteem is completely bound up in his approval, or lack of it, is something that I'm afraid is alien to me. I just never considered a married man as a potential dating partner. I don't care how attractive or sexy or how miserable he said he was in his marriage, a married man was always off limits. Perhaps I'm too narcissistic myself but I could never play second fiddle to anyone, most especially a wife. There's just no future in a relationship with a married man, at least not one that was ever palatable to me. Sneaking around, hiding my feelings, nursing a secret love like this just isn't appealing in the slightest.
Maybe this is how women find themselves in abusive relationships. Little by little, the self esteem dwindles and her sense of self worth is entirely based on his approval, or lack of it.
Poster, where's your anger at being so poorly treated? I guess that's what I was asking? Why is it that you are the one who is expected to be contrite here?
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
Yes, Tisha is right but it's a cycle. They break up with you making you feel crazy or unworthy or like they've lost respect for you, only to suck you back in again when they get bored or need an ego struck. My friend's married man has done this several times over the last 3 1/2 yrs she's been with him. The last time was tonight when he told her that she got tipsy at an event and he lost respect for her and could never see her the same way again.
I just asked her what Tisha asked you and that's if her feelings at ALL changed for him? Do you know what she asked me? "Do you think he really lost respect for me, does he hate me?" Her whole identity is based on what this horrible man thinks of her.
Poster, please don't turn into this or let this be YOU.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
If he broke up with you for that, he was looking for the exit already. You gave him the excuse by having a fit of jealousy. Basically, he's set the rules and you broke them. You're dealing with a whole other rulebook when you are seeing a married man. They tend to benefit him at the expense of the women who cater to his narcissism. If you're okay with that, things are peachy. It's when you show you think you have a claim on him that he has to remind you that you actually don't.
I expect if you're willing to grovel a lot you might have a shot at getting back together with him. I'm just wondering if you have experienced any change of feelings about him?
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (24 October 2009):
I HATE this married man you are seeing, HATE him. He probably has a wonderful wife at home that gives 100% to him, the kids, and the family while he goes out and preys on women. It's evil, wicked and cruel.
It used to not bother me so much but now I HATE men like this. Look what damage they do to their marriages and families, young children whose lives get torn apart by their selfishness. They victimize anyone unfortunate enough to be in their path of destruction. They operate beyond reproach and have no EMPATHY for who they hurt.
My dear friend got out of a really abusive relationship a few years ago and met this married jerk who took advantage of her and exploited her vulnerabilities. She now has an STD from him and an eating disorder. She went to a weekend away with him recently and I picked her up from the hotel to stay with me so she didn't feel alone. On the way to my house, her whole body shook with deep sobs from separation anxiety from him even though she was going to see him at work a couple of days later. Yeah, she works with him AND the WIFE...all 3 of them in one small office. She is a shell of what she used to be.
He plays SADISTIC games with her head like what this married guy is doing to you. He plays SADISTIC games with his wife's head- she's had like 5 plastic surgeries over the last couple of years because he makes her feel not worthy enough. He found ANOTHER young girl and also gave her an STD and she told the wife and my friend found out as well. BOTH ARE STILL WITH HIM. All he had to do was find JESUS to convince both of them he felt remorse.
THEY have complete control over who they victimize and my friend is worse off than she ever was in this relationship, far more than being with an abuser. I have seen this FIRST HAND when I had the unpleasant experience of having attended a dinner with the guy and he sat across from me and attempted to tear apart my psychology and dig deep to find my insecurities. I didn't let him and you know what? He called me a STONE COLD BITCH.
You've been warned. If you continue with this deception, it's all your own fault!
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (24 October 2009):
 If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
Thanks for your replies. I hear what you're saying but he wasn't flirting with other women (the word 'flirting' has been added to the question by website admin and was not included in my original text)he was simply talking to other women who are friends, I was jealous because I don't talk to him in public so as not to draw attention to us. But your points are still valid.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (23 October 2009):
He was married when he flirted with you, right? Why would he be more loyal to you than his own wife? He slept with you while he was married so I doubt there's little to stop him from having sex with other women besides yourself. You are with a guy that lies and cheats, what else would you expect?
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (23 October 2009):
 He's cheating on his wife! If he can't even be trusted to keep his marriage vows, how can you believe anything he says? He isn't trustworthy!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2009): I would say that you are quite insecure, and that this insecurity is leading to you being irrationally jealous when your husband talks to other women. To try and resolve this jealousy you must start dealing with the feelings that are leading to such outbursts and thoughts. Are you afraid you aren't attractive to your husband, or that he finds other women more interesting? Get to the root of the problem, analyse why you feel this way when you see him with other women. Then make a conscious effort to deal with these inner feelings. A change in routine, such as making an effort to see your own friends, etc, Being more sociable in itself could be the key to you realising that there is more to you than just being someone's wife. And don't forget that you're allowed to flirt too...
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