A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a 26 year old daughter. She is a very intelligent nice young woman although quite shy. Her and I have a close relationship and really all we had is each other. Her dad has never been in the picture and she has no siblings so she has always been kind of a loner. Never really depressed but she has gone through a lot in her life. She met a guy in 2009 and they dated until they got married in 2011. This man was my daughters rock and I was so happy to finally see her happy. I got along with the man very well and was always very fond of him. Well he ended up being unfaithful and started doing things to hurt her. I watched for several months as my daughter tried to work out the marriage only for him to continue hurting her. He started getting angry a lot and he just changed dramatically. He wasn't even the same with me anymore. I hate to say that I think my daughter was more into the relationship than he was. She said he became very distant and didn't seem to be the caring guy she always knew.In either February or March of 2015 he left her and filed for divorce. my daughter was of course crushed. She has made comments that she will never be able to trust people again. She has not been the same ever since the divorce. I think she is still in shock over it all. I know people heal differently but she seems very lost now for lack of a better word. It's so sad to see that she finally become happy only to become so sad in the end. It crushes me to know that she does not have anybody to help her through this except me and I don't feel like I've been much help. I don't really know what to do. Please help me help my daughter
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): I feel for your daughter. But I do not think that dealing with divorce alone will help her. She could have an uderlying problem. As soon as the first period of shock passes (and it will!) there will be room for positive, constructive work. From what you wrote I can conclude that she may have some difficulties in relating to people - when you say that she is a loner and that you were so happy that she finally had found someone - her rock. What about some friends? Could it be possible that she suffers from some sort of social anxiety (or social phobia)?Please do not be alarmed when you read the words "anxiety" or "phobia". There are many people (usually referred to as shy and/or loners) who share this problem. If you google it you'll come across lists of "symptoms" and you may recognize your daughter in some. They usually at some point get really attached to someone (bf/gf or husband/wife) and see him/her as their "rock" (and yes their family gets relieved). Suddenly they can bear the difficulties of life.That person becomes their "everything".There are many factors that can contribute to the onset of this anxiety. Some are genetic and most of the are environmental. You won't be surprised to see that children of single parents are to be found among the sufferers.Even though certain behaviours were not adopted at the appropriate age (no disrespect, but it's not unlike socializing a puppy), there is something to be done! The best results have been seen with the cognitive therapy. You will find a lot of free stuff on the internet. The beauty of it is that most of the work is done by the sufferer himself - reading, writing, doing the exercises etc. So if you do not have means to pay for a therapist you can still benefit from it. In cognitive therapy, lingering on the past is on the bare minimum, the focus is on the now and on the future. The sufferer isolates a few problems and than is presented with adequate solutions (techniques). I know it sounds mechanical, but it works.My husband is very much like your daughter. Loner, shy and I am his rock. I love him, but at times being someone's "everything" can be so difficult to bear, even when that person is wonderful. I was really considering divorcing him until he started seeing a shrink that has suggested cognitive therapy and reffered him to a specialist. That is when I understood his problems and decided to give our marriage a second chance.I do not approve of the behaviour of your daughter's ex-husband. Going behind her back, cheating, being angry and disrespecting both of you... I am not saying he is a good person. The situation has brought the worst out of him that's for sure. Your daughter should work on herself for her sake. It is important for her not to feel guilty for anything. Guilt is paralysing. She did the best she could. She is still young and has options in all fields of life, in her love life, in her personal life (friends) and professional.I wish luck to both of you!
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 January 2016):
 The only thing that will help your daughter is time to get over her loss. It will be a great comfort to her to know that you are there for her, so just continue to support her. She will get through this in her own time.
Maybe encourage her to get out off the house and do fun activities so that she can see there is more to life. Maybe you could plan some fun activities for the both of you.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (4 January 2016):
 You might try the library for books on bereavement because divorce is very similar. Some would say it is worse because the other person is still alive.
One begins to imagine what a great time they must be having while you, the one left behind, is in misery.
The stages of recovery are similar. I hope you can find a lead there to help your daughter. In the end it is the angel of time which will heal but it could take three years or more.
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