A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:how Can I deal with moving back home to parents that only care about money and are constantly berating me - I come from a Eastern European culture where my parents marriage was arranged (very toxic relationship) my parents hate each other but stay cause it’s cheaper than divorcing - they have accomplished a lot in the last 30 years here but they are bitter people - always panicking always negative and never supportive unless I follow their track - get married doesn’t matter to who as long as they look good in the outside - get a good job and get pregnant.I am in debt(I learned my lesson) but I cannot afford at 31 to live alone unless I take a year off and pay this money. My parents let me stay in their home which I’m thankful but there is contestant noise “you are a looser” you are 31 not married u don’t owe property - where are u going with ur lifeI have learned that my parents will never be happy with al the houses and cars they owe- but how can I ignore this? How can I rise above this? I am stuck there for a year if I want to get out of this huge mess.There are days where I get angry because even though they have the money to lend or let me borrow to pay them back they wouldn’t - I know they don’t have to because I’m a grown woman but if I see someoen in pain and I had something to offer I would ..I am working overtime in my corporate job and thirty hours in my other job in total 80-89 hours a week to stay afloat and get out of thisThere are days that they see me so tired and they don’t care as long as their houses and tenants and cars are in place - they are not rich people but they certainly are not also willing to helpThis hurts me as many years they have overlooked how I felt as long as I finished my masters and did everything according to their planThis makes me bitter and angry - if my parents refuse to acknowledge my pain How Is The outside world going to careHow can I get over them being negligent - bitter and careless I have a year of payments to make from this day Please be kind and please advise
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): I am responding to this post I originally wrote the question - thank you to the three people that responded@cindycares I would call my parents neglectful because frankly they don’t seem to care what I do or how I do it - what my mental state is as long as I get educated and married to a guy that is educated and is suit and tie- I was in an abusive relationship never once did my mother care what the man made me feel - so I’m not trying to downplay their neglect here I was looking for word to get through this painful situation If I ever had a child and had houses and cars I would at least offer help - like most ppl would if they saw someone working 80 hours a week to try to resolve the situaitio Trust me I am appreciative that my parents are letting me stay for free but with everything they do that apperantly has a price - their love in not unconditional
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 November 2017):
 So if you should see someone in pain and you have something to offer you would . Are you sure ? Always ? Unconditionally ? Regardless of past and present circumstances ? To any extent the borrower should require, rather than to the extent which you, right or wrong that you may be, deem reasonable and feel comfortable with ?...Hmm.Dunno.
You portray your parents in a very negative light; of course, since we do not know them but you do, we have to believe you and we have to believe that they could be way more supportive and caring than they are.
Then again, it may be that , in your current state of stress and tiredness, you have overlooked a few not irrelevant things.
- Your parents may not be overly generous, but surely they cannot be called neglectful. They let you live at their place , rent free and bill free, I suppose. This a guess, but a reasonable one, because, otherwise HOW would you save money by living with them ? Perhaps that they throw in some groceries and toiletries , occasionally if not all the time. Anyway, whatever they do to let you save money; it's money that THEY spend for you, or at least that they cannot save because of you.
Btw, have you ever thought that if you weren't there, they could actually rent out your room and MAKE money ? Or sell the place to move to a smaller one with lower expenses. Now, you may tell me that they would never ever dream of doing anything similar . It does not matter. The are not free to do what the heck they want with their own property, - they have to ( and are ) considering your necessities and your convenience for the time which you need to solve your money problem.
- You are a 31 y.o. adult, with a college education too, supposedly in good health ( at least you have not mentioned any physical problems which would prevent you from working hard ). You are in a bad place ? ( literally and figuratively )? You have all the tools and the resources to get yourself out of it.
Do you really think, - would you really prefer- that your parents stepped in to bail you out any time you screw up or make a wrong decision ? ... They should do that forever , then, because you'd never " learn your lesson ", as you call it. The fact that you mention Learning your lesson makes me think that you are in debt because you mismanaged your finances. I am pretty sure that after this year of tightening your belt- you won't make the same mistakes, in fact maybe you'll become sort of a finance whiz , very adept at managing your money. Which, you can't accomplish if you always count on the " get out of jail free " card provided by doting relatives or friends.
So please try not to say, " I am a 31 y.o. old adult woman, buuut.... " No. End of sentence at " adult woman ". You are a 31 y.o. woman, an articulate and educated one as for that ; you find himself in a fix, you get yourself out of it. You can graciously accept any help which is offered ( like your parents offering you shelter and saving you tons of rent money ) but you should not expect more than what's offered , or resent that it's not more.
- Accept that your parents are different from you and that tehy have a different life vision from yours. Because they came ( literally and figurativey ) from a different place. You mention that they are Eastern European immigrants. Now, this is just an assumption, for all I know your dad may be the ex Ambassador of Albania who has always lived in the lap of luxury- but normally people does not live their country permanently ... because they are too rich there and live too comfortably. My guess is that if your parents have money and house and car that's because they aimed for that, and worked hard, managed wisely, perhaps even struggled until in time they got all the stuff they got.
Well, as they did it- you can do it too ( at least, I am pretty sure this is what they think ). You do not have language or cultural barriers to overcome, you've got your master's degree , you've got your job (s ) - you have the tools, probably more than they did, to carve your own path in life. The ( relative ) abundance they enjoy, they want to keep it , as a reward for their efforts, as a shield from need and paucity in their old age ( people nowadays easily reach their 90s ! ) - and to leave it to you when they 'll die.
- Threy are different people from you , as we just said, with different values and different mndset. You can't change them ( old dogs don't learn new tricks ) and you have to accept that they have theur own ideas . It does not mean that you have to make this idea YOURS. You can think what YOU want and go after your goals, not theirs. So what if your mother thinks all women should be married nu 31 ? Yes, that's a rather typical idea not only of your mom but of certain countries and certain societies and certain ages. But you are not her ! You live in 2017, in USA, and your background and life experiences so far are different from hers. If she wants to believe that all woemen over 30 must be married, - that's fine, she will have her own reasons to believe this ; same as you have your own good reasons for disbelieving it.
Lastly- at the end of teh day, ot's only one year. I know that it seems a loooong time now, and with your current workload it will seem even longer. Then again, you've gotta do what you've gotta do- of this is the time it takes, and teh workload it takes, to get you out of debt and out of your parents' home... so be it. It's not by complaining and moaning and being bitter that you'll make it shorter !
Focus on the light at teh end of teh tunnel, and keep wotking toward your goal. That's what counts. The rest - the nagging , the criticism, - just let it slide off you. ( I would not think that you even have the material time to hear a lot of it, with your working hours you'll be out of the house and away from your parents most of the time ).
Your parents define success in life in a certain why ? That's ok. They have the right to define whatever they want in whatever terms they want; they don't have to censure their thoughts or phrases. Then again, you do not HAVE to adopt their definition of success, you can make your own !
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (15 November 2017):
 You cannot change your parents. However you CAN change how you perceive your situation.
The good news is that, if everything goes to plan, you are only back with your parents temporarily. Also, as you are working such long hours, you don't have to see much of them as the remainder of your time can be spent sleeping. Contact with your parents can, therefore, be kept to a minimum.
When your parents are having a dig at you about you having no money, etc, can you learn to smile and tune them out? Can you learn to just shrug and say, with a big smile, "You are right of course. I have no defence. I have made mistakes. I am now working at rectifying them and I am grateful for your support while I do that." That will take the wind out of their sails because they will have nothing to berate you about if you simply agree with everything they say.
Remember, in their own clumsy way, they are probably just trying to see you happy, especially if they are both unhappy with their lot, which sounds to be the case.
You cannot change what people say or do but your strength lies in how you CHOOSE to react to it. You can choose to be hurt and bitter (like your parents) or you can choose to rise above it, be grateful for the fact they are willing to put a roof over your head while you sort yourself out (because you are an adult) and let them have their say. You can choose to argue with them or simply agree and make life easier for yourself.
In your shoes I would have a diary/calendar and tick off the days to when you will clear your debts and be independent again. That will give you a clear target and motive you when you are weary and that should make coping with your parents easier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2017): You can't change your parents. You can only change your own attitude towards them.Don't ask something you will never get from them, understanding and support. Waste of energy and time and it allows them to continue their dysfunctional game.You asking is putting them in the place of power.Same thing goes for you coming back home, because your in debt. You gave them power over your life, for a while. You have two options. Do not invest yourself emotionally in a conflict with them (either ignore their remarks or if you do chose to enter into a debate, do it without emotions) or move out. While you're there, working off your debt, if you can afford, really work on yourself: therapy, yoga, meditations, lessons... Empower yourself and strengthen your skills. The past is in the past. You put yourself in the position where they can try to treat you as a child (because they are supporting you financially again). Do not let them get to you mentally and emotionally.
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A
male
reader, TylerSage +, writes (15 November 2017):
 Once again I will stress to another person in distress the importance of being aware of the mental state of your surrounding family. Your parents don't sound like good people. It's unfortunate that both of them are bad apples and you had to be raised my miserable and toxic people. Chances are they have narcissistic symptoms. As a result, they won't care so much about you unless the ends result makes them look good. That what narcissistic do. I stress their mental structure because once you can prove that they indeed have a mental illness or personality disorder you must accept that there is nothing you can do chance them. If you got the good job and got pregnant they would still find a fault. I think you know that. I am in the same boat as you, but as you know we have to be calculating and mindful of where our money is coming from and whether or not we can tackle bills on your own with our current jobs before moving out. Seeing that you must stay with them rather than a friend or other family remember my advice is to stay out of the house a much as you possibly can. Keep busy. Stay in the park, hang with a friend, stay behind after work, go to the gym, watch a movie etc. anything to avoid being within their toxic aura as much as possible. When you're at home block them out with music, closed doors and complete avoidance. The most important thing to do when around them is to NOT BELIEVE or GIVE IN to their negativity and criticism. Rise above them, don't become unhappy like them. Just ignore everything them say, no matter how mean it is, don't show your irritation it on your face, don;t show it in your words, don;t show it with your body language, don't give them that satisfaction.Narcissists usually says upsetting things to people in order to get them to act the way they want to. Your dad might call you fat for example just because he wants you to SHOW that your have been hurt by his words. Its make him feel better about himself....literally....it's called "narcissistic supply".Everyone emits energy make sure you're guarding yours. Please make sure that you are doing thinks to keep your happy hormones in check. Listen to inspirational videos on YouTube, read motivational books, think positive, start job hunting (80 hours a week sounds like torture), exercise, volunteer, give hugs, listen to upbeat music., show everyday gratitude, meditate etc. The universe only gives us what we can handle. Apparently, the universe thinks you're a bad-ass. What doesn't kill you...Stay positive.All the best.
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