A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married 6 and a half years (together 8) and our marriage has been wonderful. He's absolutely my best friend and soul mate!However, his mother has been a real issue....He was not raised by his mother, nor has he ever been close to her.My MIL is a drug addict, hooked on pain pills. She has come to our house to steal gas, and break into the house searching for pain pills. She even broke into the house one time with me here inside the house and claimed she was needing toilet paper. That ruined my trust in her. That was about 6 years ago.My husband is a truck driver, and I stay home to work the farm, our chicken house. It is a job I can handle by myself with no problem. Well, back in September, when I left my public job to stay home on the farm, we were in a rough financial situation. He was pretty desperate and asked his mom to come live in our camper. The agreement was that she would live here rent free, so long as she helped me on the farm to earn her keep and so I could pick up side jobs until we got caught up financially. I was in opposition from the get go, but tried to be positive and thought, well maybe this will work. Boy was I wrong...The first 2 weeks were great! She helped every day (it's a pie job, picking up eggs off a conveyor belt, standing 20-30 minutes at a time, total time 3-4 hours max per day) There is heat and AC, a radio, a bathroom, and you can take breaks as you need to and don't have to stick to a super strict schedule.It has gradually gotten worse. She stays gone (to see her friends in another county) every single day. Every day it's time to begin working, she says she's been up all night puking, but then she'll take off somewhere and be gone all day, then come back after all the work is done. Sometimes she'll start work, then her friend will call and suddenly she has to go somewhere. This isn't an occasional thing. It's every flippin day.There's so much more that goes on, I could write a book. But it really bothers me that she's supposed to be earning a place to stay, and doesn't. My husband and I bust our rears to keep a roof over our heads (including hers) and I feel like she is totally taking advantage of us. I've told my husband this but he gets defensive. I try to be careful with what I say because I respect that she is his mom. However, I'm about to really blow up and say a lot of hurtful things to her.I would honestly be happier if she moved back to the county she was living in, which is where she goes every day, then she begs for gas or gas money when all hers is gone. I don't have a problem with helping people who need it, but this has stressed me out more than anything! My husband talks like he is fed up with her acts, and he'll tell her to straighten up, but he won't tell her to leave.I don't think he realizes just how much of a toll it's taking on our marriage. I'm torn between keeping the peace and standing my ground. I don't want him mad at me but at the same time I'm tired of being ticked off at her all the time.What do I do??
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2015):
 I think you should consider attending or reading up on how we at al-anon deal with addicts. It will really help you with your MIL.... http://al-anon.org/home
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow....thank you both so much!!!!!! " Don't count on her, don't have any expectations from her, don't resent her, don't even ask where she is going.Let your husband do his work, you do yours, and focus on your relationship"My favorite part! I hate ultimatums, and although I've seriously considered it, I don't feel that's the answer right now. As far as someone to talk to, my best friend let's me vent, but she's so wrapped up in her new man, I feel her mind is elsewhere....I did vent to my mom and she was very understanding because she was in the same situation with her father in law moving in with them !I just wanted advice from an outside source, and feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. I try to think of it as "well I'm helping someone in need" but some days I feel like we're taken advantage of.I will just focus on our marriage, do my own thing, and just let it go, and trust it will work itself out...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): You already know what you have to do. You must put your foot down and assert yourself for the sake of your and your family's well-being. If I were you, I think I'd first tell hubby everything that's been going on, do everything I could to make him see the light (it sounds like he's in denial about it). In other words, DON'T go to her about it first, or talk to them both together. Start with him, and hopefully the two of you can break the news she's been given the boot together. Point out to him how things can't go on-- YOU will not let it go on. I'd make an ultimatum, you won't stay in that house while she's there, because she's leeching off of everything you own. You love him but you can't live like that if he's going to sit by and let you guys be taken advantage of. Then, prepare for any result: confirmation, denial, anger, sorrow, etc. Most of all know this: you're doing the right thing. Whatever happens, you have every right to say what's going on and do something about it. It might be you and your husband talk and decide on some sort of compromise, but you need to know how far it is you're willing to go before you have that conversation. Are you okay with giving her another chance for a week? A month? Half a year? (I wouldn't give any, she's already had 'em and blown them. There are such things as halfway houses and such; she's a grown woman and can take care of herself.) Finally, is there too not anyone in person with whom you can talk to for support about this all? A close friend, your own parents--anyone??Anyway, I do wish you the best of luck. You can do this. If your husband is really your best friend and the lot, I think he will understand. Take care, be prepared, and know you're in the right. Best wishes to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2015): As you yourself acknowledged, she is his mother. Good, bad or ugly, those are the facts.A LOT of it is unfair, wrong and hurtful especially the theft, but she still remains his mother.She can lie, deceive, manipulate, be a drug addict, but she remains his mother.She didn't bring him up, she may be the worst example of a mother, you guessed it, she remains his mother!What am I saying? That no amount of trying to reason with her, or fight with her, or saying what you're itching to do, will change her. She has been this way for years and will continue.What can you do? Try to minimize the impact she has on your lives. You said when you decided to work at home on the farm, it was a lot of work but you could cope, so do that. Don't count on her, don't have any expectations from her, don't resent her, don't even ask where she is going.Let your husband do his work, you do yours, and focus on your relationship : good communication, supporting each other emotionally, and enjoying life all while knowing yes his mother is a free loader, a bad mother, but I'm telling you, she remains his mother. His loyalty and love, no matter how much she has hurt him, I'll always be with her.Let him handle her his way, to be the best son he can be.Why?Because one day when she dies, HE must live with himself and how HE treated her, irrespective how she treated you both. I've known of a few people this happened to. One fought with their mother DAILY over the phone or in person and when the mother died I've never seen someone cry so much at a funeral and the amount of regret and guilt.Another person, he treated his mom with respect, no matter what she said, the verbal abuse from her, the theft, the ... Add in what you said above. He rose above it, let her get on with her life/lifestyle, while he LIVED HIS LIFE, always respecting her no matter the wrongdoing, so when she died unexpectedly he cried, because SHE WAS HIS MOTHER no matter what. The difference: he has no guilt or regrets. Just sadness that she is gone, forever! (No matter how she behaved)Take note of above, it will mean the difference for you.Live YOUR life, manage or minimize her impact, respectfully, avoid any fighting, just do your farm work and don't check what she does or not.She is and will always be, his mother. Let him love you, and her. He always will no matter how she treats you all. It's different love and he needs her, no mater what he thinks or feels, everyone wants their mother to love them...Good luck, it's not easy but can be done!
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