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How can I deal with my upbringing ?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 May 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 15 May 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hello aunts

How can I forget my childhood?

I come from a communist country (Europe) was basically raised here my whole life so I am Americanized but my parents had an arranged marriage - I still live with my folks as I am saving to buy a home - my Father was physically abusive to my mother and my mother year later turned the absuse/control on him- I have seen this with my eyes (the fights but I just don’t care) . She never left him because her parents convinced her to stay (culture ideas etc)

My parents provided for me but my mother was dominant and controling and negligent of my emotional needs . Both of them have financially provided for me but when it came to emotional needs they were very dismissive

No man was good enough - my weight was never good enough- my grades / job was never good enough- nothing I have done has been soemthing they have acknowledged.

My father is a nasty man he gossips and talks trash about everyone and has no filter so I dismiss him as he is greedy and just negative

I am at their home and they love the fact that I am staying here because they think I will basically “hopefully get married “ and stay close to them so they can keep an eye

I am saving to leave across country to move as far away - they dismiss this too - I haven’t told them my plans

I am hurt and very angry - the older I get the more it hurts

Does anyone have any idea on how to move past this so when I do announce my plans their manipulations and control don’t take over?

I am an adult woman but the anger/ and pain these two have caused gets under my skin and I don’t want it to anymore

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 May 2018):

Time heals wounds. You know your parents aren't going to change; so you have to change yourself. Tell them when to get-off your back. Respectfully, or be tossed into the street.

Stick to your goals. You plan to move-away; and that's your ticket out of hell.

Nothing solves family-dysfunction like distance. They can't get to you, they can't spy on you; and they can't hurt you. You've depended on them financially for too long. You're over 30; and should have moved-out on your own quite sometime ago. Marriage isn't the only vehicle to adult-freedom, my dear! You've got big plans, that will take big bucks. So you've got to endure their torture for a while longer. Get out and socialize, make some friends; and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Parents tend to be critical and set high-expectations. It's what they do. It's hard to get around those particular annoying traits.

When their parenting rises to abuse and cruelty; there is no excuse for full-gown adults to be complaining about parental-abuse, when they should be out on their own. You can't turn-back time. So the past is the past. You have a choice to stay in the past, or to move forward. It's a matter of determination. Your freedom is in your own hands.

You're financially-dependent on them. Irritation is how parents of all species push their young out of the nest. They stop feeding them. They ignore their cries. They use their extra-weight and size against them, by nudging their young against the walls and crowding them out. Shoving them to the edge of the nest; and eventually, they have to fly away!

Once you leave, you will miss them and their complaining. You'll miss the old-times; and they won't seem so bad when you feel alone. The house will seem extra quiet.

The benefit of time, independence, and having your own space will erase a lot of the bad memories. You'll be starting a new chapter in your life; and devoting more of your energies and effort to taking care of yourself. Worrying less about their bad-treatment; and those horrible memories will fade.

All is quite fresh in your memory; only because you're still living right smack-dab in the middle of your past! Time to move-out; or put-up with what you've got, until you do!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2018):

One of the worste aspects of arranged marriages is that once the sex side is over the marriage is also over especially if the termination of the sex is one sided due to illness or so of that side and that is when the complaints and disagreements start and turn to quarels and angery exchange of words. I am assuming that your parents are in that phase of their marriage unfortunately. However having said that young lady, in your post you are showing them as the only guilty party but I am almost sure that and excuse me for saying it that you might be doing things that they don't like either plus the generation gap. Rest assured that no parent would want to hurt his or her child. Not as humans nor as animals. On the contrary they always but always put their child's well being above theirs. I advise you to be the peace maker between them. Listen to them even if you don't obey them. However if you want to leave them,that will hurt them very much and it will be always on their mind if you are doing ok in where you are and that you are safe and sound. If you want to move out from them I advise you to get a job in another estate or another town and let them think you are moving away because of your job but please keep close contact with them. Good luck.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntYou deal with it by listing all the negative things they've done to you and use them as lessons of how NOT to be a parent. Also, like it or not, a lot of what they did to you will naturally come out in you toward your children if you let it.

For example, my dad was a lecturer. He would lecture me for hours on end, repeating himself over and over. I hated it. I wish he would've hit me and just got it over with. However, when I had to discipline my children, I just naturally stated lecturing them the same way. My wife pointed it out to me, and I immediately realized the truth of it, so I stopped. I simply lectured one time about whatever it was I felt they needed to hear, and then I would end it. Instead of hours on end, it was 10 or 15 minutes. It was far more effective too.

So, always be on guard. Don't let yourself become your parents. Trust me, it's easier to become your parents than you think.

As far as right now, make your plans without discussing your plans with your parents. Save enough money to make a good down payment on a home in the areas you would like to move to. Then find a job in one of those areas. Then move there and purchase a home. Note that the bank may not give you a mortgage if you haven't been working long enough, so you may need to rent an apartment for a year in your new area while you build up time on the job.

You're old enough to be doing all of this without needing your parent's permission or input. Just do it. Also, don't hate your parents. It's counterproductive.

I wish you well.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (14 May 2018):

janniepeg agony auntWhen you get a house you want, you just tell them you saved enough and show them the address you are moving to. They can't legally restrain you from leaving.

Many of us have to come to terms that we don't have warm loving parents as we grow up. We become our own parents, our own guides. It's never to late to rewrite your path and to teach yourself to love again.

When you do leave, you will feel like you are abandoning them and a little guilty. It's natural but this feeling won't last. You are not the only one who moves far away from family.

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