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He wants to get married and I just feel he isn't the right one. What to do?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Faded love, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 May 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 14 May 2018)
A female United States age 30-35, *houldi writes:

So I've been dating this guy for a little over a year. He is a good guy, makes me coffee in the morning, opens the door for me ect. I believe he wouldn't ever cheat on me. He helps out around the house a little. He even moved to another state with me when I got a new job.... I have been with some real pigs in the past and I know that a good guy is hard to find. Here is the thing. He is clingy, very emotional, he always seems a little down. We don't share many of the same interest and I find myself feeling less and less attractive to him. I'm very active, and he is happier playing games on his phone. He wants to get married and I just feel he isn't the right one. I am not sure I love him. I will miss him and the main thing is I am going to break his heart if I break up with him. Plus now he has moved to another state with me, we have bank accounts together ( he pressured me into that) so it's complicated. Maybe I'm just afraid of commitment.... do I hold onto a nice guy or let him go and try to find someone who enjoys more of the same things I do? And if I break up with him, how do i???

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

mystiquek agony auntIts a sad fact that sometimes we have to hurt others to find our own happiness and yours is one of those situations. If you don't love someone, you don't and you cannot make yourself feel what you don't. Get everything sorted out for yourself as Honeypie suggested and then break it to him as gently as you can. There really is no easy way to end things and yes, its going to hurt him but its far more cruel to let him go on thinking he has a future with you. You sound like a nice person and obviously it bothers you to do this to him, but just because a man is nice doesn't mean that they are the one you should marry. Again, be as gentle as you can, and let him know that you did appreciate his thoughtfulness and kindess. I wish you well.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (14 May 2018):

CindyCares agony aunt Makes coffee, opens the door ,helps around the house ... Are you talking about your supposed S.O., or are you talking about that nice Scandinavian au pair you just hired ??...

Yes, you should let him go, not only because then you can look for someone more compatible with you ( which is true , but is also a rather self-centered version of the thing ) , but also in his interest, so that he can meet someone who will love him with all her heart, rather than just tolerating him because his good qualities deserve him some kindness.

Will you break his heart ? Maybe it will feel this way, for a little while, in the here and now, but eventually he will realize than living, day in day out, with someone whom you love , but who does not love you back and keeps you around like a sort of insurance against " bad guys " , is more heartbreaking and humiliating than being dumped for lack of compatibility, and/ or lack of attraction.

Fear of committment ? I don't think so; as a matter of fcat, personally I don't even believe in fear of committment per se, as a concept, having seen so many times the most free -spirited ,restless, fickle people ( both genders ) clamping down like a steel trap on the first person that, in their eyes, is REALLY worth having. More than fear of committment, yours is fear of not getting enough bang for your ( emotional and sexual ) bucks. It's like when you go, say, shoe shopping, you chance into a pair which, in theory , is what you were looking for : affordable, comfortable, real leather, etc.- it's just that you don't quite like them,you are not excited at the idea of buying them . It's a purchase that makes sense rationally, only your heart is not in it, particularly knowing that there are many others shoe stores which you could check out and where , with a bit of luck, you could " do better ".

Now, though, while we are talking of shoes it may also make sense to abandon the quest for the perfect pair , in favour of a sensible, convenient purchase- the shoes are not going to take it personally and to feel terrible because you got them without any enthusiasm.

But dealing with human beings, the pain that you could inflict this guy by telling him the truth and calling a spade a spade ( of course, as gently as possible ) is nothing compared to what he would feel the moment he realizes ( and at some point he will , unless he is totally dumb and has a thicker skin than a rhino ) that you only took him on board for lack of better options.

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Code Warrior agony auntI agree with Honeypie. Her advice is spot on. It won't be easy, and it will be emotional. That's just the way it is. Also, you're not responsible for his reaction or anything he does afterward - especially if he tries to make you feel guilty by doing self-destructive things. Don't fall for it. His behavior is on him. Always remember that.

Yes, it will suck for him, and there's no way to break up with him without him getting very hurt. You'll just have to get over that. Just do it. Is like pulling off a bandaid, you just have to rip it off. Do it and try to be as understanding of his emotions as possible without blaming yourself or allowing him to blame you.

Good luck and God bless.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou be honest with him?

In the nicest gentlest way possible?

First though, you go open a NEW bank account and make sure your salary is routes to the new account. Then once you know that is working, you take your name off the shared one. People who are NOT married do NOT need to share a bank account.

And, no you don't hold on to this "nice" guy if you feel there isn't a future with him, LET him go find HIS happiness instead of being strung along by you.

You are a GROWN woman, you know how to end it. Yes, breaking up is never fun and it does involve potentially hurt someone feelings but it's CRUEL to string someone along whom you don't really want to be with.

HE made the choice to move state. He will be OK.

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