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How can I confirm to his wife he is having an affair with me without anybody knowing it came from me?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 December 2007) 21 Answers - (Newest, 22 April 2008)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I am having an affair with a married man who doesn't love his wife any more but loves his children.

He thinks he needs to stay in the marraiage just 4 the kids. His wife thinks he is having an affair and asks if he his having an affair but he won't confirm it and continues to lie to her. How can i, as the mistress, send her confermation without anyone knowing where it came from?

View related questions: affair, married man, mistress

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008):

First of all let me say I have been on both sides. My husband has cheated and in response I had flings later on. They of course were to make me feel better and for validation. In the beginning there was only a little small affair no sex or anything. The first major affair my husband had begun when my 2nd child was 6 weeks old. I found out 1 1/2 year later when I was 8 months pregnant with my youngest childe. The other women called our house in the middle of the night to tell me....She had been threatening him that she was going to do it. Well of course I was devestated. My husband and I have our problems but we have a very vibrant sex life ect. Anyway, he ended it with her and then I few months later messed aroung again. My baby was about 3 months old. He ended it for good this time and begged me to stay. This drove me over the edge...I had a nervous breakdown it was rough...but I let him stay. Well here we are again 3 years and there is another woman.....3rd or 4th one....of course she thought she was the first. Whats bad is she just got divorced b/cause her husband had an affair. I found out a few days ago....I am sure he was telling her we were not sleeping together etc....we had sex everyday this last weekend. He is probably lying to you just like he is lying to her!!!!!

Whether or not you should tell...don't know. I know as the wife I would want to know. but dont treat her like you have ownership of him...after all you are the OTHER women. Remember lots of times what goes around comes around.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008):

Stop being with him. He is a cheater and lier is this someone u would actually want to be with. Once a cheater always a cheater. Believe me I married one.

Move on u don't want tot take on 4 kids who will think u broke their parents up. She already knows. Don't waste your time telling her she already knows. She will take it out on u at first not him.

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A female reader, Edluriga United States +, writes (18 February 2008):

Please do not do this. You will only get hurt! He will eventually know it was you, trust me I know I did it.

He will try to hang on to his marriage with every lie he can and you will be the one that was pressuring and harrassing him that is what he will tell her.

Wake up he will not leave her and she will not leave him either. There is no happy ending to an affair.

I learned the hard way and I have learned to respect myself and respect a marraige.

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A female reader, Edluriga United States +, writes (18 February 2008):

Do not do it. One way or another he will know it came from you. They never leave their wives. PLEASE wake up, do not end up like myself. After the wife found out (I told her).

The man I was in love was a completely different person, trying to hang on to the marriage. He said words to me that stay like a dart in my heart.

PLEASE!!!!!! Listen to me, he will not leave her. Even after she knows she will not leave him either.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008):

Do not do it. One way or another he will know it came from you. They never leave their wives. PLEASE wake up, do not end up like myself. After the wife found out (I told her).

The man I was in love was a completely different person, trying to hang on to the marriage. He said words to me that stay like a dart in my heart.

PLEASE!!!!!! Listen to me, he will not leave her. Even after she knows she will not leave him either.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

HOMEWRECKER!!

What is wrong with you? Are you that disgusting that single men don't want to get a makeover, lose/gain weight, personal improvement classes or someting?

If this man truly cared about you, he would have left his wife and kept in contact with kids, you are his free booty call, a place for an escape, SEX! for now.. UNTIL HE DUMPS YOU!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008):

I am "the other woman" though my guy isnt married he is with her because of his daughter! They dont speak,she doesnt work doesnt clean, he sleeps on the couch(for almost a year now) she has no ambition and drinks almost everyday. he is afraid of how his daughter will grow up if its a split family. His family knows and wishes he would take custody and be with me. He is just confused because he loves his daughter so much. Men can really love the other woman but live with the current partner. Question is how long do you wait? Can love prevail? I wanted to tell her too, but what would that cause in the end? Would he be so angry that he leaves you too? I wonder this all the time! And for those about to reply saying its all about sex...you are so wrong! so many times he has gotten up and apologized telling me how much he wants to just rip my clothes off but doesnt want to hurt me, then holds me, kisses my forehead, tears form and he says goodnight. Sometimes a man really can love the one he isn't with!!!!

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A female reader, doodlebugamy United Kingdom +, writes (24 December 2007):

doodlebugamy agony auntI don't think that telling her yourself, even if you do it anonymously, is the right idea. He is the one who made that commitment of marriage to his wife and therefore the truth has to come from him. If he is unwilling to tell her he wants to leave then you need to start questioning whether he is really serious about your relationship.

The longer he continues lying to his wife the more he's hurting her and children are extremely sensitive to parent's emotions even though they might not realise. His continuous lying will hurt his family. If he and you both want to be happy together I suggest you talk him into telling his wife himself - it's his duty, not yours.

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A female reader, missmel34 Australia +, writes (3 December 2007):

missmel34 agony aunt"JUST BECAUSE HE MARRIED HER 10...20...30 YEARS AGO DOSEN'T MAKE HER THE RIGHT ONE FOR HIM."

You know, I was under the impression that marriage WAS forever or at least supposed to be. It doesn't mean that she may be the right one. Who is to judge that???

He made a commitment to her, and invariably his children. This is a family you are playing with.

This is his card to play not yours. HE fell in love with her, HE married her, HE made babies with her, HE cheated on them. All of this discussion here is about him and HIS decisions in HIS life. Lets be honest, if it wasn't you it would have been another woman or a prostitute. Alot of men wander and have affairs when their wives aren't providing sexual attention to them. Some men realise after some time that its their wives that they love, it can rebuild marriages. You are not in a position to judge this, he is not going to play all his cards to you, YOU are a liability to him.

Let him play it out, but keep your dignity. Dignity and self respect can be a really rare quality in this day and age. You're standing in a place where you can move in 2 directions.

1) Tell the wife and know in your heart you've hurt another person, not to mention innocent children. Building up karmic points against you.

OR

2) Take what little self respect you have left and hold your head high. Tell him you deserve better, and walk off into the sunset towards a person who will commit to you and give you a life.

The more time you waste throwing yourself at a man that doesn't deserve you, the less time you are spending truly being open to a good man. Your soul mate could be around the corner, and you won't see him because you are being the third wheel in something that has really nothing to do with you.

You my dear is why the sex industry is such a huge business. You are bringing emotions to something that was sex plain and simple.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007):

I think MOST of these answers come from the wives whom been cheated on...hence the anamosity towards you....BUT, I truly understand where you are coming from. JUST BECAUSE HE MARRIED HER 10...20...30 YEARS AGO DOSEN'T MAKE HER THE RIGHT ONE FOR HIM. He may in-fact HATE her. You can't help what and when makes you fall in love with someone. You just can't help when the connection is undenieable. If he's only there for the childern, he should find a ammicable way to leave so not to hurt them.

There is one question though....

1. Are the the first "other woman"? If so, there is a good chance he is sincere. If you are one of many, than his wife just puts up with it for the money he brings home, and he's only feeding you a line of BS!

You know what they say...."Go with you gut"

If he has been feeding you a bunch of lies, DO IT!!!He deserves it! Nevermind his wife, like all the other responses on here, she prolly already knows. She there is no harm done anyway. Besides, revenge is sweet on a JERK! TEACH HIM A LESSON!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007):

I married the man I had an affair with. Different, however, in that he left his wife, divorced her and showed me that he was sincere. He is my best friend and soul-mate and shows me every day. This man has told you he is staying for the kids. Well, from experience, I know that kids come first. However, if you are not happily married, then the kids suffer too. He is using this as an excuse because he is not sincere. He has no intention of leaving his wife. As a matter of fact, he is probably scared to death that you will tell her and is sucking up, meanwhile, trying to let you down easily...So...if you tell her, you will be the "bad one" and he will hate you for ruining his family. Move on. Let him prove to you that he cannot live without you. If he is sincere, he will leave his wife for you and together you will figure out the kids and family. If he does not, find someone that worships you and wants to be your best friend and lover...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007):

i'm pretty sure you're aware of available modes of communication, I think you're really writing because you want affirmation about what you're doin, which i think is undeserved. it's not the wife's fault that his husband is destroying his marriage, but by making it yours, you're violating privacy that should be business only between husband and wife. grow up and find someone you can associate with without ruining whatever he had before you.

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A female reader, missmel34 Australia +, writes (3 December 2007):

missmel34 agony auntMy first husband cheated on me. I knew it from the moment it happened. I was able to visualise what was going on. When you share that level of love with someone you know in your soul when there is betrayal.

Who says she doesn't know whats going on. I hate to be abrupt about this. But it has NOTHING to do with you. This is between two people who have joined together in a union, remember the vows; "Those Whom God Hath Joined Together Let No Man Put Asunder".

Lets put all this into perspective, all marriages fall on hard times, and some men being sexual beings go looking for something to satisfy their urges. Some seek a prostitutes, others find flings. Thats what you are, an urge satisfier, a fling!...nothing more, nothing less. By all means believe all his sweet talkings that carry on in bed with him. But the reality is, they are nothing more than fantasies. If he was going to honour you or his wife with honesty he would have done it by now.

You have done enough harm as it is without getting involved with telling his wife. Stay out of it. Go and find your own man, not somebody elses, you deserve better!

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A male reader, Richard_EMids United Kingdom +, writes (2 December 2007):

Richard_EMids agony auntAre you his mistress who wants to feel like No:1 or are you his future lifetime partner who will love him forever?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007):

My dad had an affair one time (after many years of problems with mom) and the woman kept calling our house and hanging up whenever my mom picked up. My mom already knew about her because when she picked my dad up at the airport she could sense something. And so he came clean.

Anyways, one day the woman called and as usual said nothing and before she could hang up my mom started speaking and told her that she knew who she was and that she had a beautiful family with two daughters and that her and my dad were trying to work things out and that she loved her family very much and asked her if she could please stop calling our house and respect our family. The woman was touched by my mom, and finally spoke up, apologized, and never called again.

I think you are just calling this woman because right now you feel jealous of her and are trying to hurt her. But for all you know she may be a wonderful woman. And for all you know the guy you are having an affair with is the true scum. I believe in 'hoes before bro's.' I think you are making a mistake in calling this woman.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007):

Why bother trying to hide behind a cloak of anonimity?

It would be best if you were to either call or write to her to tell her who you are, where you live and what you're up to with her husband. Failing that, how about orgasm-induced scratch marks down his back and a couple of hickeys in intimate places on his body? You could try leaving some soiled and lightly perfumed underwear where she's likely to find it in their car.

She suspects something is going on anyway, and wives generally notice things like that sooner or later. She'll get the message soon enough and might throw him out, but I wouldn't bank on him immediately falling into your arms straight afterwards because you'll have succeeded in splitting up his family and traumatised his wife and kids. You'll have annoyed him immensely for disturbing the cosy arrangement he had with you whilst having his cake and eating it.

He might even voluntarily leave her and move in with you - if that's what you're aiming for - after all, you deserve each other.

Phil

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A female reader, Sarah M United States +, writes (2 December 2007):

I think it's wrong to have affairs with other people, but that was just my opinion...

Anyway, about your question, I think you should meet up with her in a Caf'e and tell her what has happened with you and her husband. If she tells anyone, and they knew it came from you, if you want this affair to end, you can tell him that you told his wife. If you want this affair t ocarry on, then you must tell her not to say anything about what you told.

Hope this helps,

Sarah

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (2 December 2007):

birdynumnums agony auntIf his wife has already suspected him of an affair (which means she knows), and hasn't left him, what good would confirming the affair do? She apparently accepts that he is unfaithful and he, as he has told you, wants to stay with his children. Where does that leave you? As the mistress. You can continue to try to change places with her, but the saying is:

"A man who marries his mistress leaves a job opening available".

Either way, the wife is stuck with the booby-prize. This is not an honourable man. Try looking for a decent one-woman guy who's single AND available. It's is not your place to tell her and you already know that, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to do it anonymously. Your relationship with this married man would be over if he found out that you were this underhanded, and that is what you are worried about. If the relationship makes you resort to behaviour like this, how can it be based on love at all? It sounds like an act of desperation, not love. Walk away with your dignity, while you can. Everyone deserves to be in a decent, loving relationship. This isn't it. You deserve better for yourself. Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2007):

That is easy, go to a library or public computer (internet cafe) create a hotmail, yahoo account with other persons name-that no one knows and send it to her, works like a charm.

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A female reader, vodka-tearz United Kingdom +, writes (2 December 2007):

vodka-tearz agony auntSuggestion: An anonymous letter?

If you have thought this over, made your decision, go through with it. She deserves to know, but it's a tricky situation as the children need to know that their father will be there. Is the wife the type to try and ban him from seeing his children - out of anger?

Make sure they are sheilded and supported above anybody else.

Tommy

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A female reader, thatgothgirl20 United States +, writes (2 December 2007):

thatgothgirl20 agony auntMaybe get a messenger? Or call her on someone else's phone?

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