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I am confused! Why didn't my professor call when I left her my number?

Tagged as: Crushes, Flirting, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 March 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 5 April 2017)
A female Brazil age 22-25, anonymous writes:

I'm in 4th year of Psychology school, and I am 23 years old. There's this older professor (a woman, in fact). She was married a few times (five, to be exact, all to men), there are rumors that she hooks up with students (not sure which sex), and they're basically confirmed (her best friend told my colleague) and she told us a story once about being "needy" a certain day and fantasising about a student (male) in class. She's single now. Well, I'm pretty (at least that's what I'm told) and people (both sexes) tend to be drawn to me, both as friends or more. It all started when me and my friends noticed she'd stare a little bit too much at me in class. I was the only person she'd say "hi" to, as well. She's a diva, honestly, super confident, and not gonna lie - arrogant. We love her (she's incredibly funny) but she really doesn't give a damn about her students. People say "hi" to her and she rolls her eyes. Yeah. So her giving me attention was really unusual. Well, a year passed of these weird interactions - too much staring, we were both catch smiling at each other by people who laughed at it. In fact we'd smile at each other a lot. One day she gave me a fairly intriguing (and a little bit seductive) look while we passed each other in the corridors. So when I had my last test with her, I said "screw it" and decided to write my number on it telling her to call me. She didn't, but the staring intensified - even my friends are creeped out by it. Just yesterday she was smoking with friends and we all said "good evening" to her. It was my turn to walk in front of her, and I felt her gaze burning into me, so I looked to the side and we started at each other for a good five seconds in complete silence while they all looked at each other trying to understand what was happening. I raised my eyebrows and she responded with a sly smile. A week earlier I went to watch my friend's class - and, surprise, it was hers. According to my friend she kept looking at me and smiling to herself. After that I actually saw her doing that twice.

Well, every single one of my friends sees the way she looks at me and gets confused. It's very predatory, seductive, followed by a smirk. But she didn't call when she could've. She also knows my name. And I'm the only person whose name she knows in both third and fourth year. It's just a weird situation overall. Really wanted to know what goes on inside her head. Should I ask her? Ask some other teacher? What should I do? I do admit it's gotten me intrigued.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (5 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntAsk her? If for no other reason than to get this fantasy out off your head, ask her why she keeps staring at you! I bet you are reading way to much in to it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

There's no harm in dating a professor. It happens more often than you think. As long as you are both single.

I used to be friends with some of my professors in college. I'd often go out with my modern political theory professor after class and get coffee and talk.

College is different, you're all adults now. Not sure why I am defending this instead of giving you advice...should've not read the comments below...

Anyway, I don't know what's going on with these long stares and such. I would play it cool and just ask her out for coffee.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2017):

Unlike what others are saying, you are NOT her student anymore, as you have finished her class.

University professors do sometimes date students (if they aren't taking the class).

In fact I have seen this happen multiple times. One case the couple is married now. At university you are presumably well above the age of consent.

An age difference holds other complications, but it is by no means immoral or illegal. Sometimes there are regulations for profs where they have to report it to their supervisor if they are dating a person who is enrolled at the University. It doesn't mean they will get in trouble for it, rather this will prevent the student from taking any more classes with this prof.

While I wouldn't exactly recommend you go forward with this plan as you are still young and age differences are complicated, I think you are going to do what feels best for you regardless, as you should.

Why is she giving you all these signals but she never phoned?

My opinion is that, as she is much older and has been your professor she would really be waiting for you to do the pursuing. She may herself feel like she is being "creepy" if she just takes it into her head to call you. Or she may find you intriguing as a person and may even want to hang out or have coffee but not be interested romantically. Maybe her attraction to women only goes so far.

Who knows, but again I mainly think that the older person generally waits for the younger to pursue, because they don't want to seem like an idiot or creepy. That's been my observations with these couples anyway.

You could try just asking her in person to go have a coffee with you. It need not be romantic, just get to know her a bit better in a personal capacity. Worst case you could become platonic friends with a very interesting character.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (27 March 2017):

Anonymous 123 agony auntI'm afraid I'm going to be harsh with you

Your teacher is there to do a job and it's not your business to comment or even inquire about her personal life. What she does outside of the classroom should be of no concern to you. You're 23 years old, act your age, focus on studies and not on having a lesbian encounter with your teacher.

I teach in a university myself and I am absolutely aghast at how coolly you talk about this lady and wanting to have a sexual relationship with her. Don't forget your limits young lady. Respect your teachers and remember that your are just A student. You are looking to play with fire and if she complains against you then you could be in very big trouble. No one likes kids who act too big for their boots. You can't stop yourself from having a crush on someone but to start wanting to act on it and dissecting her every move, every look and every glance is very teenager-ish, to say the least. When you have a crush on someone, even if they look in your direction, you think they're looking at you. If they smile in your presence, you think it's directed at you.

Find someone your age to date and stop fantasizing about people who you're not supposed to have these relationships with. Student-teacher relationships are a strict no no.

You don't have to know what's going on inside her head. It's your head that needs sorting. What she does in her personal life is and should never be of concern to you. You're in college to study and yet that seems to be last in your list of priorities.

You say very proudly that you're the only person who's name this lady knows but you're not thinking why. Not because she's interested in you but because you're the one who's making a fool of herself. As a teacher myself and my mom and husband both being university professors, there's one thing that I can tell you. There are two categories of students who's names we know. Either the ones who are really good in class and helpful or the mischief makers that we have to be vary of. You know which category you fall into.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (27 March 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI think you need to find a partner nearer your own age so that you can get over this crush you have one someone who is obviously enjoying pulling your strings. It is normal for young people to fantasize about older people but they usually grow out of this in their teens. Part of the attraction is that the object of the fantasy is out of reach, hence "safe".

Concentrate on your studies when at school and get out more with friends so that you meet someone who is as interested in you are you are in them, not someone who enjoys playing with you.

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A female reader, Aunty BimBim Australia + , writes (27 March 2017):

Aunty BimBim agony auntShe is your professor, and you are her student, it really is none of your business what goes on inside her head, it is also none of your business if she has been married five times nor if those marriages were to men or women.

Stop with the gossiping, and if she didn't give a damn about her students, which you say is the case, then she wouldn't be lecturing.

So your good friends are creeped out .... I can just imagine the bunch of you tittering in a corner like a bunch of school girls and letting your speculations run away with yourselves.

Have you considered she may have found your "call me note on your test presumptuous and that she is actually having a quiet little laugh to herself about you?

What do you think will happen if you outline all your speculations as written above to some other teacher ... You seem to be suggesting this woman would be up for a same gender liaison with you, how will that affect her standing with colleagues? Will it affect her career? Will you include the fact you wrote a personal message on a test paper? How do you think THAT would be viewed by a member of the teaching fraternity?

I feel that unless you have something concrete to base these speculations on you need to let it drop and concentrate on your studies instead of this teacher.

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