A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I wrote earlier in the week and got some great responses. So thank u.My original post was about a guy ive been seeing for 2 months. We got into a huge fight (started by me) about being more committed. I flipped out on him and he told me it was done. He doesn't like drama.Well yesterday we finally talked and I apologized . We have been talking and joking ever since. But now I think we are on the path to possibly getting past the drama. My concern is we have been joking about having sex. I'm trying to figure out if its just going to be sex for him this point forward or if we can try and start over again (while still sleeping together). I want to still sleep with him just as much as he does. How can I be sure this won't turn into a fwb situation and still try to move things forward with him? My plan is to forget about the past, still have sex with him, and see what happens. Good or bad idea? Before the fight things were going good. I feel like he's still sore about our fight but is willing to TRY and forget it. Can this work? Open to ideas and suggestions on how to get back on track... please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 November 2013):
 bottom line... your radar is up that you are now stuck with FWB with him.
if you sleep with him yeah that's probably what's going to happen.
to make sure it's NOT FWB.. you have to NOT have sex with him.
start from scratch... let him chase you... if he chases you and pushes for sex and you say no and he disappears... well that's your answer...
sadly you already know that it's going to be FWB from this point on... and you don't want that... 2 months in and this much drama... not boding well for a long term serious relationship...
to avoid heartbreak in two years when you realize this is all it is with him, I'd stop it now.
just don't have sex with him
let him chase you
when he does not... move on with your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): No, no, don't have sex with him, bad idea.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 Bad idea - if you want a committed relationship you should be discussing that (and try to resolve what the fight was about).
Joking about sex sends him entirely the wrong signals, since you want more than FWB.
Forgetting about the past is just putting your head in the sand.
See if he wants to meet up and see you/ talk with you with no sex on the cards.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 November 2013):
 2 Months
You want commitment
He doesn't
You argue
He ends it He has left the relationship at this point.
You call him (I assume)
You apologise
He responds He is still not interested in commitment
You joke about sex His ears prick up
You think offering sex will make him want to be with you
He's thinking 'Well she's offering no strings sex so why not!'
Things are not going to go well for you, I'd walk away.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 November 2013):
 I agree. You didn't state what your position in the commitment argument was, but since you said that he stated he "didn't want drama", and you were the one who apologized, and the title of this question suggests that you do NOT want it to be an FWB, it's safe to guess that you were the one wanting commitment, right?
Here's the thing - if you're talking about having a sexual relationship, you have every right to put exclusivity on the table. I personally never have sex unless that has already been established. I don't view sex as a "test drive" or a "sample" or whatever. If you're worried about it becoming an FWB, and he views your desire for a relationship trajectory to be "drama", then he's not for you, and sleeping with him only underscores that he'll get what he wants, and you will cave.
If you have feelings for him, and he doesn't want to be exclusive with you, then your initial response was the correct one, and you should be done with him. He isn't that into you except as an FWB. I think you already know this.
Again, at the two month mark, it's a new relationship, but when sex enters the picture, it *is* time to talk exclusivity. We're not talking about getting engaged or breaking out the "I love you" declarations. There's no talk of moving in together either. If he's balking at being called your boyfriend at this point while pressing for sex, you definitely have your answer.
I'd advise not to sleep with him and NOT to hold your breath. Sleeping with a guy doesn't get him to bond with you like you do him. It doesn't work that way with guys much of the time.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 November 2013):
 If you want to get back on track to a relationship, then I don't think having sex is a great way to move your relationship in that direction. If you begin having sex, then you are setting yourself up for a relationship based on it - and that relationship could end up being nothing more than a FWB situation.
That big fight - sounds like it was about some pretty major issues. I assume that those issues haven't just gone away. If you want more commitment from him, then that should easily mean that he's got to commit to you before getting any sex out of your relationship! And if he didn't want more commitment then, what makes you think he'll want it now?
Bottom line is this: if you want him to be your boyfriend, he needs to be your boyfriend before he gets to sleep with you. Sex is for boyfriends. Nothing less.
Good luck, sweet!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I don't think you can be sure right now.You've apologised for the argument (which is great) but have you actually discussed the issue that caused it in the first place?You've apologised. Does this mean...A) He said he wants a serious committed relationship with youB) You no longer want the level of commitment you originally asked for and are willing to settle for lessC) Neither. You're not sure what he really wants and you still want commitmentIf the answer is C then I suggest you sit down and discuss it with him. Otherwise I feel you may well fall into the FWB trap (because a lot of guys would assume that your apology means B.)I advise you not to sleep with him until you are clear on this issue - just to protect yourself for falling for him even more if he turns out to be the wrong guy for you.Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 It's only been 2 months so there can't be that much past. A Guy either wants a relationship or just a fling right from the start. After 2 months if he's still unsure then he's a waste of time. I assume he's the same age as you; he knows what women are like and he knows the rules to dating.
For me, if there's not exclusivity or meeting at least twice a week after 2 months, it's done. I never forget about fights. You were fighting because you were not getting the relationship you want. As long as you are keeping track on what he's doing you are not forgetting the fight because you are making sure there's progress and he's bringing something important in your life.
You said before the fight things were going good. Almost like an oxymoron. If things were good there would be no fights. You got emotional because you felt like you weren't treated as special.
If a guy's lukewarm I would get bored, forget about him, let him go without a fight. Either you were rushing things or he was good before but just simply ignored you after he got what he wanted. I suspect things were good when he's courting you to get sex, afterwards it's gone downhill. The courting stopped. That's the only reason I could think of why a woman could get so angry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): Bad idea in my opinion, at least for the first few weeks. The guy basically finished with you and now isn't confirming what your relationship status is. So until he does you shouldn't sleep with him. It's not that I have an issue with sex outside of a relationship or anything, but he might just realise that he doesn't need to bother making any effort with you since you're giving him everything without him having to.
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