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How / Where do I begin asking questions about his past?

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 June 2014) 6 Answers - (Newest, 6 June 2014)
A female China age 26-29, *essie Star writes:

I am a school teacher that recently moved to China for employment, and have a boyfriend living in the USA that is ten years older than I am. We have been dating for one year, and he has a lot of baggage. He has two children from his marriage and one from before his marriage. Him and his wife as made it clear that their relationship is over, however, neither one can afford a divorce right now. The first baby mom has made it clear that she is still in love with him. In fact, I can not say that he does not encourage her feelings for him. In fact, I can not say that she knows about me. Actually, I have not asked him if she knows that we are involve. Most of the time, I run from the conversation about his exes and his children. Now, miles away with plenty of self-confidence I would like for him to begin answering question. Questions about the relationship with his ex, what he wants from our relationship, and etc. How/Where do I begin asking questions about his past?

View related questions: divorce, his ex

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A female reader, Jessie Star China +, writes (6 June 2014):

Jessie Star is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Jessie Star agony auntThank you so much, Honeypie! After given your response some thought I believe the real underline question for me involves finances. Your statistics definitely put the lack of financial support into perspective. I wish you much success in your relationships!

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A female reader, Jessie Star China +, writes (6 June 2014):

Jessie Star is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Jessie Star agony auntThanks, RevMick for the response. To answer your questions yes, we have meet in person. We dated in the same city for about 7 or 8 months. Secondly, no he lives apart from his wife, and no there is nothing physically between the two. However, you did give me something to consider the situation is like a hornets nest and it may explode in your face.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI have to say if you used to run from conversations regarding his exes and his children, I think that is a pretty strong indication that you aren't sure about being with a guy with that much baggage.

Another issue is, HE IS STILL MARRIED and he is LIVING with her? THAT to me would be an absolute deal breaker. I get that divorces can be complicated, expensive, I get that he might want to be around for his kids - but it also puts you fairly low on his priority list. Divorce doesn't seem to be a priority either.

The baby momma doesn't know about you. ANOTHER red flag. He may not be "encouraging her" but he isn't nipping her feelings for him in the bud, by letting her know she stands NO CHANCE because he has you.

Then there is the financial side. A man who has 3 children will PAY a LOT of child support. And he CAN'T even afford a divorce... I know because I married a man with children. 40% of his paycheck went to CS. 40%. + all the extras his ex-wife asked him to pay.

But if you want to start hearing about it now, maybe ask him to describe his life before you came into it. You can do the same for him. I would do it in e-mail form so it's not limited to texting and easier then doing over the phone. You can ASK him, how he sees the future. You can ASK him anything. HE can choose what to answer and what NOT to answer, same for you.

My thing though, you should KNOW all these things after a YEAR together. The fact that you don't, should give you some pause. But instead of making assumptions, ASK him. Talk (Skype/e-mail/whatnot) to him. Basically GET to know him.

I find it VERY odd that you two haven't talked about him divorcing his wife yet, to be with you. He obviously is OK with status quo, but I don't think you are. Now we can all guess, YOU are the one dating him, so YOU need to be the one to ask and decide where to go.

Personally, I'd hold back quite a bit with this guy. He is a married guy still. No matter how he feels about the wife, he still CHOSE to stay married. IF he can't afford to divorce, can he afford to start something serious with you?

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A female reader, Jessie Star China +, writes (2 June 2014):

Jessie Star is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Jessie Star agony auntTo CMMP-My main concern is the status of our relationship remain- monogamous. I will agree there is some curiosity about the personal details of his relationships, but it is not to be confused with cattiness. Instead to ensure that he- has learned and progressed from the role- he played in his failed marriage and past relationship.

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A male reader, RevMick United Kingdom +, writes (2 June 2014):

RevMick agony auntHi Jessie Star,

If you have always been apart, I would say please don't call it a relationship. Have you ever met this man in person?

Questions about his past, should be able to be mentioned any time after you start dating.

Your post, is fraught with issues as I see it. I can't give detailed comments as you don't clarify certain things. Does his current wife still live together, does he do anything physically with this one or his ex.

I would say this man is a hornets nest of trouble and eventually it could explode in your face.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (2 June 2014):

Instead of simply satisfying your curiosity, what do you hope to achieve by asking him for personal relationship details?

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