A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have lived for a few years now and the housework situation is getting out of control. He grew up with maids and is totally incompetent. Which would be OK I guess, but he won't listen to me or try to learn. I'll try to explain to him how to do something and he'll yell at me, then claim he's now too distraught to work and go off and play video games. Sometimes I have to snap because he'll do things that are truly repulsive and unsanitary and he doesn't seem to know when he needs to wash his hands.Basically I've essentially given up. He is still supposed to do the dishes, but despite repeatedly telling him he NEEDS to go slower and be more careful because there is water EVERYWHERE when he's done, he continues to make a massive mess because he gets so impatient.We live on the top floor of a walk up and I hate carrying the groceries up, so I've decided it's fair to assign him that chore to even things out more. Today is grocery day (we have them delivered because we have no car) and he has been picking massive fight after massive fight and whining incessantly about how unfair it is that I won't help carry groceries and how mean it is to make him do it alone. He has been IMing me at work all day about how this isn't a fairness issue, this is a serious emergency that the groceries need to be carried up efficiently. When I refuse to hear it anymore, he will sulk around, ignoring me, and yell at me for how I don't do the other chores in a timely enough manner or how I sometimes forget to do some chores.I am getting to my wit's end. I love him, but I don't know how to cope with this anymore. I am not his maid. We make the same salary and I work longer hours than him. I am thinking of moving out. We fight probably 2 or 3 days a week about this. What else can I do?
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Your expecting too much. But at the same time he sounds disrespectful. Nothing wrong with making a mess as long as he cleans it up. He eats the groceries from those bags so tell him to STFU and carry something. Otherwise get rid of him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): Unfortuatelly , you are up to a big fights. It's not about him not doing something in particular, it's about him not listening and stubbornly and purposefully doing his chores in a manner that upsets you.I am in a marriage for a long time, things that my husband does only piss me off when he repeatedly not or do certain things, not putting any effort whatsoever to remember what is asked of him to do or not to do.Our daughter doesn't live with us for 7 years now, and she visits couple times a year as she lives across the country from us. Everytime when she comes, she comments on how her father that she loves very much, repeatedly does things that she knows I ask him not to do for decades. Because she doesn't live with us, she has a fresh eye on it, and last time she even had a talk with him, trying to understand the reason behind his stubborn not making any sense behavior.To give you an example: he washes dishes by hand. I ask him not do it, as it takes enormous amount of time, I ask him just to put them in a dishwasher. He does the same thing as your boyfriend, he splashes around, making floor and countertop soaking with water. The worrst part is that he doesn't dry dishes and puts them wet on a shelves. Its been going on for at least 20 years. The last time my daughter was here, she saw him after we had dinner, going to the kitchen and starting washing dishes. She rolled her eyes in disbelieve and said: I don't know how you mom, doing it, I cant believe daddy is washing dishes again. I just laughed.Another example: he has an old car that he wouldn't get rid off, fine, at least we are saving money. He is one of those crazy drivers, that again I can't do anything about. Instead of being scared to death everytime we have to drive together, I just sit on a back, and try to look on a side of me, not in front just to see how he is tailgating every single car and breaks madly.Because car is old, buttons that open window only work from drivers side, and also air conditioner is in front.EVERY SINGLE TIME I am in a car, this is what he does: he keeps all windows closed and doesn't turn on air until i remind him. We live in a tropical climate. Car stays overnight on a driveway. When you open door first it feels like you opened a door to sauna. In a few second in a car heated like that, it feels like you are going to have a heat stroke. The reasons he give me for not doing it that he does most important thing first like starting driving and look around for safety. What is the reason for this behavior, I don't know, to drive me nuts, just complete aloofness?All I can tell you that men like that are very hard to convince in a anything, they will argue with you to death, and they will keep on doing what they were doing. A poster here told us her sad story with completely ignoring her husband in regard to cleaning after him. Good for her, but I can't do it. My husband thank god is not like that, he does do a lot chores, so I at least don't have this problem, and he is not a pig. But you are going to have a hard road ahead of you, again it's not about a particular issue, it's about him not listening and adjusting to living together. I m sure your requests are not overboard, to ask someone not to splash is a simple request that is very much doable.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (9 January 2013):
Some people are intrinsically slobs. They dont change, ever. Some people are intrinsically neat freaks. They dont change, ever. A middle ground or solution needs to be found, or the relationship will be constant tension.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Hire a cleaning lady, and buy a dishwasher. Or,move out.
Life is too short to waste it in futile,constant arguments about who does the chores and how.
I agree with YouWish. And I'd like to remark that ,although this guy is clearly lazy, spoiled, etc..., he has an excellent point. If you nag and breathe on his neck about, e.g., his incompetent dishwashing skills, then you lose your right to do your chores in a less than timely fashion, or to forget occasionally doing them. You demand perfection ? Give perfection yourself then.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 January 2013):
 Sounds like you are dating a 5 year old, seriously!
My KIDS (8-10-12) carry in the groceries and put them away, it's their chore. The sort their laundry, they empty/fill the dishwasher, feed the pets/clean litter-boxes, take out trash. Granted I DO pay them an allowance, but they do not SULK or whine. Not do I get mad if they don't want to do it, it just means NO pay. So usually THAT doesn't happen.
I would move out. Let him hire a maid or let him move home to mommy.
I DO agree with YouWish. It'snot your job to teach him how to do things, if he ASKS you can explain it, if not - let him figure it out on his own. Maybe he feels like you treat him like a ninny - even-though, he certainly acts like one.
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A
female
reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (9 January 2013):
 It's better to get out now. Do you want to live the rest of your life with him, knowing it would be like this. Is there is an ounce of you that says, "no" then you need to move out. No point in waiting for someone to grow up, they will only hold you back. Although, no one can make this decision for you, you need to put your foot down. Maybe it will scare him and he will open his eyes and realize how immature he was. I've been married for five years, and when my husband and I moved in together, it was hard to adjust, because he was so use to his mother doing this and that for him... He wouldn't help me with any chores, so I stopped doing them. Laundry, washing dishes, sweeping/mopping....all piled up (I only cleaned my mess). Eventually he had to do it himself. Hope you make the right decision, FOR YOU!! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): yes you should move out. this isn't about house chores, this is about one person in the relationship being selfish and demanding the other cater to them. my husband used to be very slovenly and not help out at all. I thought it was very unfair that I would spend so much time cleaning the house and then he would in one fell swoop undo everything I did and not bother to pick up the pieces of the damage he did. I couldn't live in our house, it drove me nuts. But I couldnt' afford to move out either.What I did was, I stopped doing any chores for him. for example, I would only clean my own dishes and leave his dirty in the sink for him to clean himself. If he didn't clean them, then I wouldnt' either and it would stay there dirty even if it was for months. Yes it did get very gross. I would only do my own laundry, not his. If he wanted clean clothes to wear he had to do his laundry. I would only get groceries for myself and only cook for myself, not for him. If he wanted to eat he would have to get his own groceries and do his own cooking.No fighting, no nagging, no cajoling, no "long discussions" that lead to no change. basically I just carried on with my life and treated him just like a roommate, not like a partner. Because he was not behaving like a partner, so why should I treat him like one? He wants to live like he doesn't have a partner, then so will I and I will just look out for myself. oh but if he lifted a finger and did any chores I was sure to heap praise and thanks on him, which he liked.after several years he started to get better about doing his own share of the chores. I was still used to just doing my own chores for myself, it took me a few more years to realize that he was doing chores too. now I can actually ask him to do chores and he will without complaining. he didn't start to appreciate my doing the chores until he had to do them for himself.one thing that helped, is that we have 2 bathrooms. So one bathroom is mine, the other is his. He is not allowed to use my bathroom and I do not step foot in his bathroom because I don't want to clean it. To this day whenever I have looked in his bathroom, it is absolutely filthy. I cleaned it myself once, 3 years ago, when our house was getting appraised. I have not tried to clean it before or since. It is still totally filthy. If we had only one bathroom and had to share, that might have been the final straw that might have pushed me over into divorce!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 January 2013):
 I think you know you need to move out. What else can you do? Wait for him to grow up and act like a grown man? You've given him enough time to deal with it and figure out how to manage it.
Get your ducks in a row, set up your plan and move out. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Move out. Grown men know not to make a mess when doing dishes, that mess he makes is a deliberate ploy used by children as a means to get out of doing something.
Chucking a sad and stomping off to play video games rather than helping with chores is not something children do, its something a child would do if it could get away with it!
Stop being his mother. Pack your bags and go, this man has no intention of changing, and why should he as long as you are prepared to stay there and accept his behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): Why don't you guys get a maid? He doesn't like to do house chores so you should suggest you both get a maid. And since he's the one putting up a fight about cleaning then he should pay for it. Bring it up and see if he is willing to do that. If he doesn't, and he gives you a hard time about getting a maid, then yeah move out, cause otherwise it sounds like he's being a child about it. And way too defensive, it's pretty infantile. I mean how would he like it if you were a big fat slob? You are not asking for much...do what you gotta do. Move out, maybe it'll teach him a lesson.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 January 2013):
 Well, you should move out. What are you waiting for? He is not going to change, and you two are completely incompatible.
It's not up to you to teach him how to do something. So what if he makes a mess while doing a chore, so long as he cleans up that mess afterwards? You can't and shouldn't nag him about how fast or slow he should do something, and if you're in a relationship where you're constantly nagging at him, then he's the wrong guy, and you'll be banging your head against the wall if you think he's automatically going to "get" it.
Did he go from his parents' house to your house? Has he never lived on his own where he was responsible for his own hygiene and housekeeping? Even the cleanest of people don't respond well to being told that the way they do something isn't the right way.
Now, don't mistake what I'm saying to be that I'm on his side. I think he's a spoiled, self-entitled baby who needs to grow up and stop whining. You need to grow some teeth and leave him. Not one thing you say will mean anything, because all he hears is empty words and repetitive fights.
I say stop all conversations about chores, stop all fights with him, and make preparations to be on your own. Life is too short to play power games with people you're not compatible with.
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