A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys. I've been with my bf almost a year and we've been happy so far. But I guess the honeymoon is ending cause I feel differently about him now. As I've come to know him, I've noticed childish behavior I don't like. We went out tonight with two of my friends (a couple). The night started out good and we had fun talking about our childhoods which led us to talk of video games. My friend suggested a bar where people played old-fashioned video games and we were all enthusiastic-or so I thought. At the new bar, my bf and I had drinks and briefly played a game we enjoyed. When we finished, we found my friends playing a game they loved. Ten minutes later, my by asks to go outside and I oblige thinking he wants a little alone time. Instead he starts crabbing about my friends and the bar so I tell him okay, if you want to leave I'll let them know. He stays outside while we settle the bill and when my friends drop us off, he barely says thank you or good night. He didn't bother even talking to them on the car ride back. Please know I'm not a gamer and neither are my friends, this outing was just to experience nostalgia really. After the game bar we had planned to go dancing until my bf demanded to go home. He asked if I would go back home with him but I declined since I've had no sleep in 25 hours, have my period and honestly thought it'd be best for him to get over this mood on his own. It just came out of nowhere! He's acted like this before and I hate it. He's 28. I despised a friend of his I met and the outing they picked but I made the best of it because I wanted him to have fun and I went out of my way to make sure I stayed respectful despite my dislike. I don't mind him wanting to leave if he felt uncomfortable but I wish he had acted better in front of people I care about. They felt a little brushed off by him when they were trying to make jokes and help him comfortable the second time meeting him. Please advise, how could I have made this better? How do I handle the end of the honeymoon?
View related questions:
period, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016): Hi - being overly tired and on your period is NOT the reason your boyfriend behaved badly. He did that all by himself and yes he was rude - just ask your friends. As mature adults we have all been to events that we have not really enjoyed but when you can you then make a polite, gracious exit and make sure you speak to people positively and you leave on good terms. After all it's personal opinion. When you are continuously doing things that you don't enjoy just to please someone then that is another matter - think about whether you are and stop doing it to yourself. This guy just 'decides' he is bored and makes a bad atmosphere for everyone which is awful. Did something happen that made him respond that way? If not then I am guessing when he decides the night is over then it usually is. I had an (ex) husband like that. It made me depressed and I gave up wanting to go anywhere with him. So many events were ruined. It made me anxious. I agree with the other poster about the Lundy Bancroft book. I have read the very same book and oh boy did I see my ex in those pages. In fact, it was that book that brought me to my senses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): Guys, thank you for all your answers. We texted each other about the whole thing and he got defensive saying it wasn't like he was furious and/or yelling at everyone. I said he didn't have to do that for me (and maybe my friends) to see that he was upset/angry. He kept saying that they ruined the mood for him, that he hates waiting on one person. I said I understood his feelings but what would have been the big deal in just being patient? My friend took about 20 minutes and in my head, he and I could have spent those minutes talking or making out outside lol He's done this before and it turns me off, makes me think of a three year old getting angry, stomping his foot and demanding to go home cause he doesn't get his way. WiseOwl I really valued what you said so much! I didn't really know how to handle these situation. As an introvert, I tend to overthink a lot and need time to process things before I react. "Good relationships repair themselves" is a motto I'm keeping in mind. :) He steered the conversation over to our plans on getting an apartment but I'll speak face to face to him in order to gauge his reaction/feelings better. Thank you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2016): HiThis is a classic abusive technique. He wants to make it unpleasant for you to hang out with your friends, so you start to avoid doing it. He wants you all to himself. When abusive men start to show their true colours one of the main things they try to do is to alienate you from your friends and family, thereby isolating you. He is doing this to ultimately gain control over you. His goal is that you will have no one to turn to when he turns increasingly abusive. That you will find it difficult to leave him because you will find it hard to have anywhere to go. Please don't underestimate this situation. I am confident that this is what's happening here. Suggestions from some on this site that you sit down and have a talk is totally irrelevant as your boyfriend does not want harmony and respect. He wants to control you with his moods and his anger (acted out, not real). I think you know in your gut that there is something not right going on here and that he does not have your best interests at heart.Please read a brilliant book that will enlighten you about abusive men and their technics. Have no doubt, this behaviour is classically abusive. The book is called 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. You will recognise other aspects of your boyfriend's behaviour between the pages I'll bet. This same thing has happened to me and others I know. In time he will start to play up about interactions with your family. Been there, done that. Please don't join me xx
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 June 2016):
 Oh yeah, you were on your period, I almost forgot about that little fact. It's a known fact that we get a bit sensitive around our periods. I for one, experience a whole set of emotional responses to something that ordinarily wouldn't bother me. Could that perhaps have coloured the way you saw this episode?
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 June 2016):
 You ask: "Please advise, how could I have made this better? How do I handle the end of the honeymoon?"
1. YOU can't make your B/F behave like an adult.... so don't take on this unaccomplishable task....
2. Now that the "honeymoon" is over (thank goodness it doesn't follow a real wedding....), you can get OVER this boorish guy, tell him "Good-bye" and go your separate ways.
That's how I suggest you handle this...
Good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): Communication is what holds relationships together. You have to actually sit down and talk things out in order to understand each others thoughts and views.
He may not have been in the mood to go out, he may have felt pulled along with three out of four people making all the decisions; and they just may not be his cup of tea. You didn't like his friend either. The difference being, you're polite and mature enough to endure their company for his sake. That's considerate and being a great girlfriend. I have to do the same sometimes for my boyfriend's sake.
This doesn't necessarily mean the honeymoon is over. You're getting to know more about him and his moods. You don't have to cater to his wishes; but you can discuss things and compromise. This takes practice and sometimes you have to be the one to initiate the process. That means be patient, avoid allowing your anger to take control, do your best to be tactful, and be sure you have his undivided attention.
Tell him he behaved rudely in-front of your friends. Tell him exactly why you did not go home with him like you explained in your post. Do not allow this to reach the level of an argument. If that happens, everyone starts to compete for control of the situation; and everyone wants to be right. Proving who's right does not solve the problem,
finding the solution solves the problem.
The problem goes unresolved, because you're thrown off-track by anger and engaging in confrontation. It is swept aside to fester until it is thrown into yet another argument in the future. So practice tactfully letting him know when he has done something that adversely affects your relationship. And this has! It's not all about pleasing him!
You have to bring communication into the relationship and set your ground-rules. Letting him know you will not always agree with him. You have friends, and he will be polite to them. You will do the same for him when dealing with his friends. You must insist that he apologizes to your friends if he didn't seem particularly friendly. If he isn't man enough to do this, then you're correct. Not only is the honeymoon over, but he's immature and a jerk. The prognosis isn't good for the relationship if he doesn't own up to his mistakes. It's not your place to force anything down his throat. He should man-up to the situation.
You sometimes have to be proactive in creating the type of relationship that works for the two of you. Listen to his side of things, search for the logic, but never dismiss his bad behavior. Remind him you need his support in order for you to reciprocate; because you can't always do things exactly the way he wants them. Sometimes he's got to give in order to get what he wants in return. Explain to your partner you want to be a good girlfriend (and I can tell by the post you've written that you are.) Let him know that your relationship has to be flexible and you want him to open up to you. You also have to be able to tell him how you feel in order that you both can resolve differences, reach compromise, and grow your relationship.
Any resistance to these efforts is an indication that he is the wrong guy. Relationships grow and evolve. They start out blissfully and exciting; but this can continue as long as two people work things out and care about each others feelings. You both must be willing to share in every way possible. You will not always be happy with the other, but good relationships repair themselves. They heal with love and understanding; and they last with compromise and mutual effort. Respect and love is proven through the effort you make to keep your relationship going.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): Never go without sleep for 25hrs.
Why are you making yourself vulnerable like this?
You are wearing yourself thin and still trying to people please!
What about you?
You need to prioritise yourself.Start with a couple of nights where you actually get sevenhours sleep.
Stop trying to please others and give yourself priority!
After all if you decided he were to be your longterm future partner and you got pregnant and had a baby, you would definately have to put yourself and the child first so start practicing self preservation now.
A whole lot of women with a period and no prior sleep would have refused both the boyfriend and friends and just said "sorry,no can do!Im staying home tonight..we will have tomake it next week if your still interested!"
If you set your value higher people know where they stand and can be more accomodating towards your needs...but if you just people please until you are exhausted people just assume that if your not bothered about yourself then why should they write you into their considerations.
I dont think its honey moon phase over...i think its curtains unless you make them sit up and pay attention to your needs too!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 June 2016):
I don't think this is a lot to complain about. There was no scene, and although he didn't talk much to your friends on the way back, at least he was there with your friends and he gave it a shot. Not all people enjoy to double date. In fact, none of my female friends ever had a boyfriend who enjoyed to tag along and spend time with the group. Only my boyfriends were ever interested in hanging out with my friends as a group, in addition to his own. Everyone else, in my experience, hang out with their own separate friends, and not hang out as a couple. So maybe he's just one of those people who prefer his own friends over yours (which isn't a bad thing, naturally he enjoys the company of his own friends).
Im just saying, if this is the only complaint you have, then I think you have a decent man on your arms and should give him some slack. Everyone has a mood now and then. He didn't get cranky, or offensive, and he didn't just storm off (which is what a childish person would have done).
Just learn from the experience and stop bringing him along to your outings. You are never going to find mr. Perfect, everyone has some negative sides to them. This is something you can learn to deal with, and my advice is to just let it slide.
...............................
|
