A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My friend has a baby of 1 year. It was her boyfriend who wanted a child, and when she was pregnant he seemed so happy about it. I just visited them for 4 days, and I was shocked to see how he behaved! He didn't even want to be there, he left as soon as he got home from work, or maybe didn't even come home at all. I never heard him ask if it was okay that he left, or if she needed any help with the baby.The other day we were driving home from swimming class (the one thing I saw him attend with his son), we stopped by the store. My friend and I were just going to pop by the store and come out to the car again, the baby was still in the car with his father. Then two minutes later, the father came in through the door with the baby in a cart, saw my friend, and just pushed the cart with the baby over to her, turned around on his heels and walked right back out! No words exchanged, no nothing. My friend just said something about it becoming too difficult for him. I didn't ask any questions.Another time, instead of bringing the boy inside the house to put him to bed, he just drove around in the car with him until my friend came back home (I was alone at their house, so I know he didn't stop by the house in this time period). The father was just waiting in the car for my friend to come home, then he gave her their son, and drove off again! My friend said he did this because he didn't like having to put their son to bed.I just wonder, isn't this all a bit strange behaviour? I have started to feel real sorry for my friend who appears to be living like a single mother. All the time I was living with them, I only saw her boyfriend in passing. He wasn't home at all.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 June 2016):
 I don't blame him because he's a guy; I blame him because he's manipulative at best and abusive at worse. She shouldn't have had a baby with him and she should leave, but most of the negativity (not even blame) is from him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): Was she on birth-control? Condoms tear and they are not 100% reliable. You cannot trust a guy who pressures you into having a child. I said what I said, because often women decide they're tired of guys showing no inclination to take their relationship to the next level. If he wants to have a kid, that places him in a position he will have to stick around; because he now has an obligation to. It can sometimes be a desperate move. I expect everyone to place all the responsibility on the guy, but this is not just a site for male-bashing and blaming men for all the reasons relationships, end or don't work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseOwl, why do you keep saying this: "only because she was trying to create some sort of commitment he couldn't just walkaway from."
She wasn't the one who pressured him to have a baby. As I wrote in my post, he was the one who wanted it. So please stop saying my friend had a baby to get him to commit. In fact she had left him a year prior to becoming pregnant. It was he who pursued her again, and less than fours months after being back together, she was pregnant. Before leaving him, she told me she never wanted to have children with him. Yet she got pregnant with him.
I wonder if he cut a hole in the condom on purpose or something. When she told me she was pregnant, she didn't seem happy about it. She just said it as a matter of fact, and didn't share any other information. To be honest, he had been on her back the last years since she turned 26, telling her how old she was getting, how she needed to have a baby now if she ever wanted one, how it was impossible to start dating someone new at her age because all the good men were already taken. It just keeps going on and on.
I guess when they got back together, and she said he had changed, I hoped that he had. Now I think that him not being in the picture is just part of his on going abuse of her. It was a way to tie her to him and lock her up in the house. He never actually wanted a kid, he just wanted to make it harder for her to leave him. His actions in regard to his child shows this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): As for marriage before kids? Yes, men need to own up to the responsibility to giving a child his last name, and offering legal protection under the law as a legal guardian and parent.
The child has rights to inheritance, financial security, and knowing the man who fathered him or her, is committed for life.
There is little the law can do in protection of children when an unmarried dad disowns his his offspring. It takes going through legal process to gain the child his/her rights, when a guy can just leave you hanging with a kid.
Kids deserve parents seriously and purposely committed to each other, and not afraid to take the risk in legally binding a relationship in marriage.
That's why we have so many fatherless kids all over the place; because people throw marriage out with the bath water! Worst, it's not even important enough for the rights and protection of the kids! I stand firm on that! Call it an old-fashioned concept. Look at the statistics in crime for children of single-mothers who never married their fathers. The law forces divorced dad's to do right by their kids. It's stipulated in the divorce proceedings! Unmarried dads can take everything he has with him, and tell you go screw yourself!
It's not a joke and it's not fair to children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): Whether she leaves or not, he still has financial responsibility for the child he fathered. If he isn't interested in being a father, there is no reason for her to want him as a boyfriend. He comes and goes; has nothing to do with neither his child nor the mother of his baby.
So, exactly what is she hanging onto?
I rest my case as far as her having a baby, only because she was trying to create some sort of commitment he couldn't just walkaway from. Well it's not working. That's all he does it seems.
You have no voice in their private matters. Console her when she needs your empathy. Please offer only your support, friendship, advice, and babysit when you can. She needs help, in spite of a poor decision. She is responsible for bringing a child into the world who has an aloft father who hasn't bonded with him yet. Mainly because he doesn't know how, and he's awkward with kids. Babies are fragile and some guys are just too clumsy. Crying really upsets men, be it a female or a child. Nature installed that inherently as a protection mechanism to change our aggressive behavior.
I see things from all angles. He is a new dad. He won't let on, but he's scared to death. Scared she will demand him to marry her at some point, scared he doesn't have a clue what being a father is; and secretly, it hurts when the child cries when he picks him up. He doesn't really know what to do about it, or know how to show the child the affection he needs. He can't blame her for that. It takes practice.
He should keep trying. Sometimes the father comes around and begins to become attached. The child learns to walk and to talk, and he starts to realize his creation. He'll become more used to the fact he has a "mini-me."
I suggest that your friend insist that he spends time with the baby; and when he tries to push the baby on her, call him out as a bad father. Remind him on the spot why the child doesn't know him. Push guilt down his throat until he has no choice, but to man-up to his responsibilities. Not only to her, but to his family as a whole.
Like it or not, who's the daddy?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 June 2016):
 I would blame the BF, sorry. He is a USELESS BF and daddy. Doesn't matter if they had gotten married first or whenever they had the child, it's not like she KNEW he would be like that and then still had his kid.
She has to decide if this relationship works for HER or not. I would just let her know that if she DOES need help/support you will BE there for her.
Sounds like she already knows he is dead-weight. Whether she chooses to do something about or not.. it up to her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): You can't make her leave him. What you can do is make that possibility more real of her.
She's probably staying with him because she doesn't think she could handle being on her own (emotionally, financially...).
Encourage her to empower herself, work on her own education look for a better job, meet people, reinforce network of friends and family.
That will help her.
I stayed in my abusive marriage because I literary had no place to go after having moved to another country with no family and no friends.
The moment I found a better job, I left him.
It's difficult to explain why we stay. So don't push her. Just encourage her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter posting the question here, I found the courage to ask her about it. Once again, the father was just briefly at home with us (today was my last day visiting). The child didn't want anything to do with the father, and cried when he tried to pick him up. The father then commented on how the child has become a "mommy's boy". My friend said that it's because he never plays with his child. After the father left (which he appears to normally do), I asked her directly if this is how he is on a regular basis. And she confirmed that he is this way all the time, only stops by home to shower and eat and sleep, and then leaves again. And that the child doesn't like his father picking him up or trying to hug him, because the father isn't around and the child doesn't trust him.
I hear what you say about not only blaming the father, my friend did choose to have a child with him. I don't understand why she chose it. Perhaps she felt she had to. He was telling her all sorts of things about how old she got. When she turned 26, I was with her on her birthday, and he congratulated her and then as a side comment said something along the lines of her not being a spring flower any longer.
I just don't get why she isn't leaving him then? If this isn't normal for a man, and I think it is very tiresome to have to be a single mother, yet not actually being one. I would certainly start to feel resentment. I even told her that she's effectively a single mother, and she said "yes, except that if I were a single mother I'd not have to clean up after my boyfriend".
I guess Im just confused, why is she staying? Is there anything I should do to help?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 June 2016):
I think WiseOwlE is being a little harsh about assuming that your friend was using the baby to trap the guy, but I don't think he saw your abuse follow up. He's happens to be totally right about her not being careful who she chose as her baby's father, though. How long have they been together? Some people just don't value marriage, but surely she'd have seen that he's unreliable if she's been with him for several years before making the decision to bring life into the world?I know it can be hard to adapt to parenthood, but this isn't that; this is *refusing* to parent properly. Right now, he's acting more like a sperm donor, than a father. Has your friend confirmed that he does this often/all the time?Honeypie is right that she should leave and go for child support because she is essentially a single mother. So_Very_Confused is also right that it sounds like the baby was an anchor to keep her at home and limited as to what she can do - a manipulative tactic used by her boyfriend.I think you should have a heart-to-heart with her, whilst playing with her son, at your house (alone) and ask her about how he treats her. Maybe if she opens up about it to you, and is with her son at the time, she could be more susceptible to understanding that it's not healthy for either of them to be controlled so much and that she deserves a life outside of the home that she can be proud of, which she seems unlikely to get with this guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): Wait. She left HER BABY on the car with the poor guy just so SHE could go shopping? Wow! Of COURSE he dropped Baby off, to remind her where she stood. Why didn't SHE give HIM the list so he could shop in peace? With all those bc options out there, she got HERSELF pregnant.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 June 2016):
 your follow up indicates that the baby was created as an anchor for her to be bound to him.
he sounds abusive. abuse does not have to be physical.
she will tire of this and leave him eventually which is the best thing for her and the baby.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): First of all, people who aren't married ought to be careful about bringing children into this world.
Guys sometimes wonder what it would be like to father a child; or may only be curious to know if they could. Not necessarily wanting to face the reality of it. Women can sometimes be too quick to offer them this opportunity. Without considering how strong "their" relationship is, why he would want a kid before committing to marriage; and if he even has the what it takes to be a good father. They just selfishly (foolishly I might add) want something they know will force him into commitment. Using a child like a ball and chain out of their own insecurity. Pisses me off! It's the child who suffers from their irresponsible breeding!
NO!!! It is not normal for a man to father a child and not give a fly f*ck after the kid comes into this world. The reality hit that jerk that kids need your time and attention; as well as financial-support. Mommy thought birthing a kid would seal the deal; and she's got daddy locked-up without any way to escape. Well, she's also seeing the reality of her decision to become a mother without the security and commitment from the father.
It's just a matter of time before he dumps the kid in her lap and takes his final walk away. There is more to being a father than making a woman pregnant. She can't complain; because she had a choice about being a single-mother. Don't just judge him, they both decided to have a kid. She should have considered who she was having a baby for!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe child is his 100%. I suddenly remember something though. She once told me he didnt like her getting an education and having higher salary than him. Could be that he feels a child would be good to ground her to the house. He didnt like when she leaves home. I remember when we went to have coffee some years ago, and she told me to lie to him about a friend of us not being single. Because he would not allow her going out if there were going to be single girls there.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 June 2016):
That IS strange behavior. IMHO
I don't know why she puts up with it to be honest, she might as well be a single mom. Difficult for him? WTF? Doesn't like putting the child to bed? It's a 1 year old baby! Seriously!
I don't like to DO a LOT of things, but when you ARE an adult AND a parent you DO what you need to do. For you, AND mostly for the child(ren)!
I would be livid to have a partner like that. Now if he can't handle a baby then YES, it IS best he doesn't. People who can't deal with little ones or who get frustrated by them are not always safe around a baby.
I think if your friend's baby-daddy's case, he just doesn't WANT to. And that? I would not be OK with. I'd kick him to the curb and go for child-support.
Is the child his? 100%? Because THAT could be another reason he doesn't like dealing with the child, if it isn't his.
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