A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here is the back-ground: I had an affair with someone several years ago. He (I'll call him Scott) was a very close friend and confided in me that his marriage was over and he was leaving her. We began the relationship then. Well, "scott" asked me to have his child and I did. Shortly before I found out that I was pregnant, he received papers that he was supposed to go back over seas. When he came home, he told her about our son. She made it clear that he would never have a life with our son as long as I was in his life. She also made it clear that she was going to give "scott" a divorce but since she knew he wanted a life with me, he would never get it. He did not stand up to her and walked away from our son and me.Three and a half year later, he calls me asking to see us. He moved out and filed for divorce about 6 months before he called. He said he misses us and wanted to work things out. I gave him one more shot and have not been vindictive.Since "scott" has been hanging out with us and seeing his son, she is dragging out the divorce by refusing to sign the divorce papers and making it extremely hard for him. She has even befriended his mother (which is odd because his mother used to hate her) and told her that I am the reason "scott" is trying to divorce her. Up until now, I have not had contact with him for years unless it was to send him a text when our son had a play or program for pre-school and when our son had surgury. I did not expect him to be there or even a reply, but I can say that I have kept him informed of everything significant. My questions are:1. Am I ever going to get rid of the "home-wrecker" image with his family? His mother treats me like the plague and like I am a whore. 2. How do I get the respect or credit from his family that I deserve? I do not date, I work full time, go to school and take care of my kids on my own. I am not a welfare case and I have never asked him or his family for anything, nor have I expected anything from them. I promised him and his family that I would not use my kids as pawns or be vindictive and have kept every promise I have made to all of them. 3. Should I confront this person he trying to divorce or just leave it to him? I know it was a mistake to begin a relationship before they were divorced, but I backed away and did not expect anything out of him. My family has accepted him and is extremely friendly with him because I have made it clear that it is MY choice to let him have a relationship with his son, not theirs. Now I just need to know if I ever stand a chance getting accepted by his. Any other advice on this subject would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he does not have kids with her. When we first started the relationship past friendship, he had already moved in with his father.
I have spoken with his wife and she actually stated to me that she was going to divorce him before she knew about me, but "now that I know he wants a life with you and that mistake, he will never get it." (The part in quotes is her actual words)
On a side note...to reply to the question from the anon. person about putting myself in her shoes...I have. She is not "going through a hard time in her life", she has made it crystal clear that she will refuse to sign the papers just "because she can".
And as for the comment about hopefully I am a really become a better person, I am actually not a bad person. I don't date, I work full time, college and take care of my children. (Yes, I do also have one more child. Her father passed away when she was very young) I have only dated 2 people in the past 8 years since her father died and in all honesty have no interest in dating again.
Thanks for all the advice everyone. And trust me, I haven't looked at all this through rose-tinted glasses.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): does he have kids with his wife?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): My answers are:
1. No. That title is there for life. It has been earned......ask other women who have had affairs with married men.
2. You will never get any respect from his family and loved ones. They may eventually tolerate you but they will never accept you. Does he have other kids with his wife? Now that he left her for you, who will take care of his kids? Remember your affair and the consequences therof.
3. His wife is not your problem. Why do you want to interfere. I think your interference was from the start as his friend ,then his lover and then to add to everything, you had a kid with this married man. Not looking good at all! I think you play naive when you say you backed away. The damage was already done, wasn’t it? you had his kid while he was married to his wife. The existence of a lover and kid is a constant reminder. I see you somehow blame his wife for everything. Remember he was cheating on her and like so many mistresses believe all the sh1t the married lover dishes out on their wives. Having an affair with you was the final nail in his marriage. Just because you stayed away for a while did not mean that you disappeared. You were the uninvited 3rd party in this marriage and his affair broke up his marriage. Stop only blaming his wife. He too contributed to the breakdown of his marriage. In fact have some compassion for her.
Yes your family has accepted him after you gave them no alternative. As you say it was your decision to be back with him just like it was your decision to have an affair with him. So basically you have been calling the shots from the word go. Even if your family had to say something you would not listen.
What do you now want? To replace his wife? You have! So what happens now, does he get a replacement for you? When mistresses replace wives they leave a vacancy for the man to find another item on the sly. How do you deal with this. You now want to be vindicated and now want to be accepted as his wife/partner. You may have gotten your married man but sadly you will never be treated equally.
The above seems to be all doom and gloom. But it is a reality many face on a daily basis. If you have really changed and if you want people to see you differently then only by your actions can their opinion of you change. If you want them to see the good in you, you need to not badmouth his wife to anyone. This is a very hard time in her life. Just put yourself in her shoes. After all her husband is leaving her for his mistress. In the end human emotions are involved and yes she has bitterness, but can you honestly blame her. If your hb was having an affair and if that woman fell pregnant with your hb’s child, how would you fee, how would you react? Similar to how she is acting right now. This womans hb hurt her in the worst possible way so please have some compassion for her. You have not walked in her shoes so you don’t know the conflicted emotions and the bitterness she has.
Only time will tell whether you and this man have a successful relationship but please be aware of something- do not build your happiness on someone elses tears. you pay the price in the future.
I really wish you well and wish that you have really changed into a better somebody. Affairs are nasty and they leave a train of hurt, vindictiveness, and untold emotional distress for all. All of this could have been avoided if only this man divorced his wife first instead of embarking on an affair with you.
Just my thoughts on the situation. You may not like reading it but it is absolutely necessary that you are not looking at this situation with rose tinted glasses.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Quirklady.
I really do appreciate the advice. :)
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 May 2010):
 1. Maybe. Probably not for a long time, though. Just keep conducting yourself with respect and be a good person and hopefully his mom will warm up to you. No guarantees though.
2. Forget it. Live your life for yourself and the people close to you. If they can't recognize that you're a good person, that is their fault, not yours.
3. Absolutely not! This is his issue and he has to work it out with his ex-wife. Nothing good can happen if you get into this...if anything it will give her reason to drag her feet more.
Concentrate on continuing to improve your life for you and your son. What people think of you is way, way down on the totem pole. What is important is to have self-respect and let everything flow from that.
Good luck.
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