A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend called on a Sunday as soon as he woke up, which was the same time I woke up. He asked me "come over, I'll change the oil in your car", and since I just woke up and haven't walked my little dogs for a couple days because of the cold weather I felt guilty and promised myself I would walk them before I do anything else the following morning.I told him "I can't right now I gotta take my dogs to the park", and he asked "can't you do it later today?" And i said "no I have to go now", he gets mad and says "okay then I can't change your oil today". I said okay, sorry, and he says okay bye and hangs up. He thinks that because he's offering to do something for me I should drop everything I have going on in my life and leave that exact minute. However his behavior makes me feel extremely guilty. I want an outside perspective on this. As much as I would appreciate him changing my oil I have things in my life too and can't get there the minute I wake up. Am I wrong? Should I have gone there when he asked me to come? I've been feeling guilty since that conversation as if I've done something wrong. Please give your opinion. Thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
 OMG Get the hell away from him NOW! How is he paying for all of these drinks?? You are in danger! Get people who love you around you. Let all of your friends and family know what is going on, because you don't want him retaliating against you.
This is the type of guy who will try to bring you down with him. Right now you have a good career, a good life, and a good living arrangement. He is a self-destructive manipulative alcoholic. This guy is 36 years old, so he's not some immature college kid. There's no future with him, and he will suck the life out of you and destroy you until you are nothing but a hollow shell of the vibrant person you are now.
If it was your boyfriend's story about how his co-workers "felt intimidated and threatened" by him being why they fired him, you know that this isn't exactly true. He said that to keep YOU in line. The truth is most likely both more pathetic and more performance related on his part.
They wouldn't fire him for a "feeling". They would fire him based on something he did or didn't do. Being that you live in the US, if his alcoholism affected his job, he would have been written up and disciplined many times before the firing.
Otherwise, sudden firings that are performance-related (not talking about downsizing or laying off people) would be for theft, actually threatening bodily harm against other people, slandering the company or the boss on social media, abusing employee benefits, watching porn at work, drugs (alcohol would count as well as recreational legal MJ), and a few other things.
Don't wait or flush the rest of your 20's and 30's down the toilet for this guy. It has to end. If you're scared of what he will do if you end the relationship, bring someone with you and do it in a public place, not at his place or your place.
Good luck! His business got the right idea and fired him. Time for you to wise up, do the same, and fire him from your life for good. And when you do, do it all the way. None of this "Let's still be friends" crap. Block and delete him, or he'll still manipulate you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 January 2017):
 I don't know how long you two have been dating, but I think YOU need to pay close attention to his behavior.
If the relationship is about 6-8 months old, then YOU need to be aware that his "true" self is coming out now. He feels SECURE in the relationship and therefore, is showing his REAL face. So it's not that he is "sudden;y" changing, no... he is just starting to be himself. And If that IS the case? It will ONLY get worse from now on.
If he wants to go out and spend a night in the bars drinking his head off, suggest he goes out with friends.
I see red flags here, and so should you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): HI
'You Wish' saw him for what he is straight away. He sounds absolutely awful, manipulative and controlling. People are only like this for one reason, to make you obedient and jump when he said jump. Wouldn't it be great to take the wind out of his sails and just leave him? He's a nasty piece of work.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
OMG, yeah it's definitely a pattern, wouldn't you think??
You *need* to be there for your mother, and it's disgusting that he's actually getting in the way of that and harping about "his needs" at a time like this.
Honestly? I'd end this relationship if I were you. There are red flags written all over this, and speaking as one who was there for my father up until the time of his death, you would never live with yourself if you let him manipulate you away from doing what you can for your mom.
This guy's gotta go. I wouldn't even let him touch my car. He might "forget" to put the oil in and wreck your engine with an attitude like that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): And by the way I did ask him twice to come with me to walk the dogs and he got mad and said "I just said no I'm tired, be a little sensitive to my needs" I felt a little upset because I was just trying to spend time with him it was even about the oil at that point
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): And by the way I did ask him twice to come with me to walk the dogs and he got mad and said "I just said no I'm tired, be a little sensitive to my needs" I felt a little upset because I was just trying to spend time with him it was even about the oil at that point
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2017): Thanks everyone for the advice. Last night he did something similar. My mom is sick and will be getting surgery in the following weeks. She doesn't feel ok staying alone for long periods of time so I asked him "hey can we leave by 1 or 1:30 tonight? And he responded with a flat no, didn't ask why, didn't say anything else. So after 10 minutes I had to message again asking why etc. Then I told him it was because of my mom and that she's waiting to know if we can come back by 1:30 or I can't go because she's sick and he said ok but I could tell he was saying ok because didn't want my mom to think he's an ass. But gave me the silent treatment after, did not say a word to me the whole time we were drivjng there which was like 30 minutes. I got made up for him wore make up and a nice dress which is unusual since we never go out much and he didn't say anything no compliments nothing. I felt a little awkward. I guess he feels that because he paid 70$ for him to get in he didn't wanna leave the bar early. He paid only 10$ for me because I don't drink at all. I had to babysit him afterwards he was so drunk. But just wanted to mention he has been acting weird like this lately. Trying to make me feel guilty if we don't do as he wishes
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (2 January 2017):
 Being a bit of a princess your bf. Given half a chance to wake up Im sure you guys could have negotiated a better deal. But at the end of the day you had plans that you felt were a priority, so be it, not need to drop everything at his beck and call. He thought he was doing a nice thing by offering, which it was, and probably felt a bit blown off hence his response. maybe a bit of perspective from both points of view would be helpful in sorting out something for future reference.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 January 2017):
Do not feel guilty. Your boyfriend was trying to manipulate you. It was disguised as a favor in order to control the balance of power in your relationship. You did the right thing, and now you MUST resist the "guilt manipulation". If you let him get away with this now, he'll use it on you for larger things like your friendships, your family, and sexual or financial favors.
Real favors are ones done out of love with no strings attached. When you couldn't go there right away and he got snitty and said "okay then I can't change your oil today", you exposed the manipulation. If he were really doing it out of the goodness of his heart because he loves you, he'd either have said "Not a problem! I'll see you later today!" or, if later was a scheduling conflict, "Oh, well, I won't be able to get to the oil this afternoon like I could have this morning, but that's okay. Let's see how things are next week!".
Resist this sort of controlling, and that's EXACTLY what it was. Control through guilt/favors. That's like the guy who buys dinner and feels entitled to sex afterwards, or the girl who feels that her good looks entitle her to presents or money for shopping.
Real favors or expressions of love do NOT have strings attached, either physically, mentally, or emotionally. You have the right to say no. And truly, getting an oil change isn't that big of a deal. Go to any rapid oil change with a coupon and get it done in 10 minutes!
He may follow up with the silent treatment, but it's important that you NOT cave OR apologize. DO NOT APOLOGIZE because you did nothing wrong. Thank him for the thought and then change the subject. Take that control weapon away from him. Let HIM contact you. Don't go chasing after him, because that's what he wants you to do next.
If he can't snap out of this and turns it into a big deal, OR if he's done things like this a number of times where he's guilted or manipulated you or controlled you like this many times, then that's a serious red flag and you need to get away from him. It's not a normal reaction to be made to feel guilty for saying no. You didn't slight him, and that's not sitting right that this was his play here.
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A
female
reader, clueless8989  +, writes (2 January 2017):
It's a small matter, and I don't think you should over-analyze it. When you meet him, just say you were sorry about what happened but you already had prior plans. :)
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (2 January 2017):
You could have suggested he pop over and walk the dogs with you and then you both could have went to his as the previous aunt said you could have just said hey the dogs need a walk but I be over straight after that and breakfast and thrown in something cheeky like oo you may even get a kiss after the oil change lucky you . Of course you have other plans and things to do maybe he was feeling horny etc and that was all squashed poor dude haha but hey just keep it light and say hey grumpy ms snow while wondering when your changing her oil haha something like that .. be cheeky but sweet .
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 January 2017):
The reason he acted like a spoiled brat was because you didn't drop everything, THAT was on purpose. To MAKE you feel guilty.
What I don't get is why you didn't just say hey, I can come over as soon as I am done with walking the dogs, they need to get out and get some fresh air and use the bathroom. If he still threw a fit after that.. then I'd leave him be to his own devices.
He asked if you could walk the dogs later, but didn't suggest he could CHANGE the oil later. So yes, he DEFINITELY got stroppy because you didn't ASK "how high" when he told you to "jump".
And I take the car in for a REAL oil change asap. Without telling him or asking him. It's your car, show him you can take care of it.
STOP feeling guilty. You ALREADY had decided that you needed to walk the dogs. TELLING your BF NO or NOT right now is PERFECTLY OK!
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