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His ex-girlfriend is still in the picture

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 August 2010) 12 Answers - (Newest, 13 August 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Please forgive me if I seem to be rude I am just going to ask my question and might get a little into it. So please forgive me before hand.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We had are on and off times. Our off times where just suppose to be us still dating but not seeing each other every single day which was how it was. We weren't separated at all (this is what he stressed to me)...Or at lest to my knowledge.

Well during our "off times" he would go hang out with his ex girlfriend. Who he loved for two years and never told her. This was before me so I could care less. I found out that they had sex while we were on our off.

Well I forgave him on one note. He must never talk to her again, he said yes. Hoping things would be better. They were for a long time.

Then she had the nerve to write me and ask me "Why hasn't "A" talked to me? I miss my friend. I have his brother in one of my classes and it brought back so many memories" etc etc etc.

Well i wrote her and told her that I really didn't like how she thought it was okay to write me after she disrespected me so. Then ignored her afterwards.

After that I tried really hard to forget everything. I disliked this girl since the moment I met her it didn't help that she did this with my boyfriend(It's a small town everyone knows every one) Well shortly after that she seemed to be every where we were. Today is my birthday and I wanted to go out. So we went out to eat at Olive Garden, We ended up fighting cause she was there and sat with us for a brief moment. My boyfriend is not a rude person and in some cases I believe he does not have a back bone.

So I had to play the rude person (Which honestly I have no problem doing) I told her to leave or I would call the police. My father is a police man so I get some coverage there. I know bad to play that card but I didn't care at that moment. 364 days of the year I give myself to make people happy. One day out of the year I wanted to be pleased.

Then we went to the mall, to see a movie. Sure enough she was there. I didn't freak out cause it's a pretty big mall I didn't want to bother with it. We went to see the movie. She went to the same acted like she didn't know we were there till we left.

Of course I freak out and attack my boy with words filled with venom, We fought for like an hour. I told him I hated that she is EVERYWHERE I am. He told me we can't help when things happen they just do. Well after all that. I relaxed myself and went to talk to him. Sure enough he was on the phone with her. I flipped out and left and am now staying at a hotel room. Great Birthday huh? I wanted to ask what is everyones in take on this?

I do enjoy and love my boyfriend very much and this is our first real fight nothing has ever been wrong before we have known each other for about 6 years. This has been the only problem ever.

View related questions: ex girlfriend, his ex

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (13 August 2010):

Miamine agony auntNope, got no actions, as I said, your behaviour was wrong and it's sad that you can see it. Anyway, your problems have been solved now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Miamine- I think you have had one to many problems in your past I came on here for advice not to be judged. I didn't mean to put the wrong idea in your head. I am a very giving person I will not be weak about that. I care for everyone who is in my life. Just because ONE day out of the year I want to relax does not make me a bully or a queen. You should seriously not judge before knowing someone. I work my butt off everyday to take care of my family. I could care less of your thoughts on this. From here on out. It's nothing.

adifferentperspective- Thank you for your concern. I personally wanted to talk to her to myself. So her and I went for a walk in the woods. I wanted her to be honest with me and I her. She told me that she does have feelings for him and didn't mean to be rude to me at all. I honestly don't believe her. I understand if she has feelings. We talked about everything that has happen.

As much as it hurt me I told my boyfriend we should no longer see each other till all this is done. It pains me to do this but I don't need the drama added in my life.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2010):

Miamine agony auntYes, I can say with my hand on my heart, I have never acted like this, or used advantages to get other people in trouble.

Threatening someone with the police because your father works there, is the actions of a bully... that is what bullies do. I'm not judging you, I'm stating a fact..

I get the idea you live somewhere small... your angry that the woman turns up at the same restaurant, the same movie house... What do you expect her to do, stay at home, kill herself, find out where you'll be and go somewhere else...

Ppfff.. grow up, your not that important, the woman has the right to come out of her house and go anywhere she wants.

The problem is your boyfriend likes her, deal with him and his behaviour and leave the poor woman alone. She owe's you bloody nothing, she's not your friend, it's not her job to make you happy, or change her behaviour because you want the world for yourself.

Unfortunately my dear.. you are very wrong if you think everyone is as cruel as you to use the threat of the law to scare people... I don't do things like that, and no, I don't know many people that do...

Anyway, glad you finally decided to sit down and talk this over and agree on solutions to which you all could agree... this is how decent people act and what should have been done from the beginning...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Miamine-

How dare you judge me.

I have not bullied this women.

I acted like an adult in the beginning I asked her talked to her tried to make it where we were better.

And yes I pulled a low blow I already agreed on that in my statement. Are you telling me YOU never used anything to your advantage. I know it is bull if you have not. Every one uses something to help them. Nothing wrong with it.

Anyways. The rest of you gave me a wonderful advice. I talked to him when I got back. I agree'd I over reacted. He and I and this women all sat down and talked it out. The whole time he was telling her to scram(on the phone) and she wouldn't take the hint he actually recorded every call showed me all the texts.

I did not ask for this. He did it.

I told her how I felt that I would never want to be friends with this women but if she showed me more RESPECT i would do better.

Thank you everyone "Cyrus" is a code for something I use for a friend on here sorry if it went in the wrong idea.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (10 August 2010):

Miamine agony auntYou got big jealousy problems if you call the police on some woman that goes out and tries to get something to eat...

You better fix up yourself and stop bullying people, that is something unattractive in you and is probably one of the things which makes your boyfriend pull away...

If I was this woman.. I'd do something real bad to you... you are a bully.....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Who exactly are you referring to? -Cyrus

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A female reader, Angel Wisper United Kingdom +, writes (9 August 2010):

Only he has the power to turn things around if he wanted to but it seems it doesn't and won't so tell him to stick his bullsh*t and she can have him. He knows how upset you are over the it and if you meant something to him, he would honour and respect your wishes. Why should you put up with that. Get the hell out and fast!

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A female reader, Denise32 United States +, writes (9 August 2010):

Denise32 agony auntNever anything wrong before?

Seems to me there's PLENTY wrong, and has been for a very long time.

Unfortunately, it is clear that your "boyfriend" prefers his ex - indeed chooses her - over you. I think that if he had let her know, in very strong terms that he did not want to see her again, she would not be turning up wherever you and he happen to be........I wonder if he calls her and tells her his plans??? Otherwise, how would she know that you were going to be at that particular restaurant, and see that movie?

His comment about not being able to help when things happen, "they just do" is a very flimsy excuse.

You say "I enjoy and love my bf very much." I don't know why in the world you DO - because it seems to me that he sure does not return those feelings.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to set him free (aka dump him) so that you can begin to forget him and have the opportunity to meet another..........he is not worth you time or attention.

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A male reader, BrokeAndHurting19 United States +, writes (9 August 2010):

Well since you are wanting an honest answer I'm pretty sure he still has feelings for her. Anytime an ex is in the picture thats usually how it is. If he didn't have feelings for her he could easily not pick up the phone when she calls. It sounds like they text all the time for her to be at the exact location everywhere you guys go. I would give him an ultimatum and just say its her or me. If he can't stop talking to her then forget him. There are roughly 3 billion guys in the world, don't get stuck on one. I know some of this may not be what you wanted to hear but I'm just trying to give my opinion. If anything else just kick her ass. Put some fear into her heart, and tell your boyfriend to actually be a man and let you know what he wants.

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A female reader, Fefi Venezuela +, writes (9 August 2010):

Fefi agony auntObviously, this woman is attempting to snatch your man back into her life, because from my point of view, she hates you no less than you hate her.

If i were you, i would wait and see that, if he truly loved you, he wouldnt make out any further with her. If he does, then, im sorry but, hes already made out with her before and most likely would do it again. once a cheater, always a cheater, after all, he had the mind that you would get back together in the end, wasnt it you who said the it is on-and-off, meaning that you would get together some time after? However, you may not be the patient type to wait and see what happens... i would consider that you confront your boyfriend and force him to spit out just WHO hes going to choose, now or never. i know that you said that he promised he'd not talk to her again, meaning not going out with her again, but that fact that you had a BIG

argument shows ME that he was in high defense for the other b****. put him under pressure (probably even threaten him seeing that you've got it in you) to stop waisting your time. search for the whore (im sure she wont be too far) and tell her that she needs to back off your life just because she hasnt got one, and that your dad will be more than happy to take her fore a ride in the cop car.

Okay, maybe that is what i would do because i am feeling very angry for you and i want to shave that woman and walk her like a dog, im very aggresive.

perhaps the BEST thing to do is see someone about this and also, talk with your boyfriend and try to settly this out just like any other on-off event. as for the cow eavesdropping on everything, try and set things out straight and make her confess just WHAT does she want and a rational answer to everytime you saw her on your birthday. if she turns her back, tell her to stick it where the sun dont shine.

I gave you the 3 methods that i could think of. if none of them are working out for you then, im sorry that i couldnt help you out any further.

PS (I DONT MIND, AS YOU CAN SEE I GET OUT OF HAND WHEN IT COMES TO TYPING SOMETHING DOWN AS WELL)

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (9 August 2010):

janniepeg agony auntYou fell into the trap of getting all upset, the way his ex wants you to be. She wants to break you up. You are obviously still very hurt by his affair and his ex saw your weakness and attacked it. She was daring because she knew that you would always give her a chance to piss you off. Kill that chance for her. Act all happy, hold your boyfriend's hand and kiss him whenever you bump into her. Even better is to pay no attention. She will eventually get tired of spending extra money and sitting by herself all the time. If she refers to your boyfriend as a friend, then treat her as a common friend. You only give her more power by competing with her. She really is no threat to you. Your boyfriend knows that if he cheats one more time then he will lose you forever.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010):

i believe your bf is a good man, but the ex may not over him yet. the ex seems to know how to play the card and really trying to break you guys up.

when you are upset, it will always make you look like the unstable one. in order to make the current gf (you) really upset, the ex will

1. seduce the bf by sleeping with him

2. showing up anywhere you two are and act innocent

3. pretend to be just friends with your bf

i understand if you feel insecure or worry bout all this. she is playing very well in this game. but two could play it right..?

all i could think of what to do is not to bother much about her. i am not sure how old you actually are or whether or not you are in college or bout to go to the college. but my suggestion is that maybe you should not give this ex any chance to butt in. here are something nice or getaway from her:

1. instead of going to the mall, hang out at ur place. not his place ok.. she has no reason to visit u, but she can come out many reason to visit him. rent a movie or cook romantic breakfast/lunch/dinner/supper for both of you.

2. if he insisted to go out, just go along.. but maintain your sweetness and tenderness with him that make him so happy with you. when the ex approached, just act innocent and give her a 'gentle' brush off. 'gentle' means polite yet stern. make the moment talking with her very brief.

3. (very important) talk to ur bf. tell him gently when he is very relaxed and in loving mood bout this matter. pleas please don't attack him. say something like 'sweety, i love you. we are happy 2gather. but i feel like there is someone else threatening our happiness. i am sorry if i ever upset you. but u understand how a girl need to protect her man from another girl right..? u don't have to believe me if i say ur ex is breaking us up, but i feel very strongly about her. i am not asking much from you, just humour me on this one. let us avoid from her, not talk to her, just avoid.' my avoid meaning is, if u two saw her a few feet from you, turn another direction.

this is just my theory, but i believe to go gently on your gentleman. this way, you don't put your man in an awkward position. he sounded like he doesn't know his ex's true intention and kinda confused bout the tension goin on between you and his ex.

good luck.

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