A
female
age
36-40,
*oadzealot
writes:I have something of a complicated situation on my hands. The man I am with is still trying to get the money together for his divorce. The woman knows about me, and although she did not officially want the divorce, she is willing to sign the papers and keep it simple. They were married for little over a year, and less than half a year into that marriage, she wanted a divorce first. But when he started seeing me that first time, she got jealous and wanted him back. I didn't want to be the cause for divorce, so I stepped back. But because I had been his girlfriend long before they started dating or got married, she wasn't okay with him being my friend. He chose to be with me, I didn't force it on him. Now, we are going to have a child together and he still isn't divorced. We want to tell everyone, but if he tells her, she might make things difficult in the divorce, and we can't afford the added hassle and cost. She still talks to him and they have a long distance friendship, but sometimes I feel insecure. I don't think I'm a bad person, but on one hand I think it would make things easier if we just went ahead and told her so that she would stop trying to get between us again. What am I supposed to do?
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divorce, insecure, jealous, long distance, money Reply to this Question
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female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (1 June 2008):
 You really dont need all this stress and part of me usually says the truth is best but if it will cause you more stress then I am tempted to say wait until after the divorce to tell her if it will complicate things. It could make her change her mind.
She probably only did want him back because he was with you. I had a similar experience with my hubbie, although he had already left her long before he met me, she initially refused the divorce once she found out about me and even said she would have a child with him to get him to go back yet refused to have one during the marriage which is one of the reasons he left her. She didnt even want him just didnt want anyone else to have him.
I think you do have to acknowledge that it must have been very hard for her that he has ended up going back to his ex and their marriage didnt work because he obvioulsy still had very strong feelings for you and this will cloud her judgement and shape her feelings towards the pair of you.
Get the divorce and concentrate on the new baby and hopefully it will all work out x
A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (1 June 2008):
 I learned that the sooner you tell the truth, the better. Like ripping off a band-aid. A baby is a hard thing to hide, even long distance. (congrads, by the way). He needs to be very stern and clear with her that it's done. It isnt your job. Your job is to prepare yourself for the busy job of motherhood. Eventually, she will have to give up, if he is consistant, and stern with her. You take care, try not to stress too much (I know it's hard).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): Well first of all you need to relax a little because with all that stress you don't want to harm the baby.
Secondly, I personally I believe that maybe it will be of a good idea if you guys wait till after the divorce is final to let her about the baby. If you have a strong relatiionship with your bf then wait until the divorce is finalize that way it won't be any extra drama liker her getting jealous & stepping back on the divorce.
I can understand it is an extremely intense situation but if peace & friendship between them will fasten the procedure then just try to be just a little patient.
Good luck & congratulations on your bundle of joy!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008): Tough question.
She probably should be told. She'll figure out about when you knew after the baby is born anyway.
But even though it's the best thing to do it will probably not be pretty.
I hope there is enough legal understanding that the two of them were already divorcing/separated a while back. So she can't twist this around into him "cheating" on her with you in court.
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