A
female
age
51-59,
*ateQnA
writes:Can someone really change? I dated a man for 6 years. We were married, built a house for our family (we each have two kids) and after only 10 months I left. He became increasingly controlling, picking on the kids and I, name-calling but worst of all his drinking was out of control. I walked out 10/2005 and we have had little contact, outside of lawyers and divorce paper work. Last month he called and shared with me that he had found a therapist he respects and that she has helped him. He knows he needs to stop drinking, he also knows that he can’t do it on his own. He said he is almost ready to check himself into an out patient rehab. He has apologized for many of the things he has done. I still love him and care for his kids, who have also moved out to live with their mother (they are young adults). What milestones do I look for,one-year sobriety? Even if he works a program, loves me and my kids (16 and 19 years), and stays in therapy, do people really change?
View related questions:
divorce, moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (25 May 2007):
 Sorry CateQnA....my computer crashed and I didn't think my first reponse posted...oops! I am glad you are going to a meeting. And I do wish you two the best and pray it does work out because even though I may sound like divorce is the answer and you'll never be able to trust him, it's really "bottom line" the person inside...period!
Good Luck to you both and please let me know how things progress and work out for you both. Take Care!!
A
female
reader, CateQnA +, writes (24 May 2007):
CateQnA is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Frank and Cateyes.
Frank you are absolutely right. I do believe I could trigger old habits both in him and myself. Cateyes to answer your question his drinking has always been something he tired to manage ie. Only drink on weekends, only have two drinks, only drink beer the list goes on but in the end of our marriage he stopped trying, gave up if you will. I will go to an ALANON meeting this weekend and focus on my place in all this.I dont want his recovery process dominating my life, that sounds like a very scary process. We had so many good things going for us and we truly care about each other it hard to grasp its just not enough.Thanks again. I will be back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict myself. People can totally change!! I have been sober 2 years now, and I am a completely different person. It is a long, hard road, but if he is willing and ready to stop, he can. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 He will ALWAYS be an addict, and will have to fight this every day for the rest of his life. That will not change. Can his other behaviors change...yes they can, BUT you are also an ANCHOR to his past behaviors, and you, more than someone new, might trigger him off. The best people to ask about this is a support group for people whose spounces joined AA. Check out the local community centers for such a group...they will be able to give you the answers you need. Where ever their is AA, there will be other such groups.
-FBK
...............................
A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (24 May 2007):
Six years and you didn't see it? He must have been good at hiding it or was a really good liar...most alcoholics are extremly good at this. To answer your question, yes, but as long as they are doing it for themselves and no one else. You mention each time he is "going" to or "almost ready" to do something....when he gets his self together...without your help at all, then have him call you. I was married to an alcoholic for 5 yrs. It took him 4 attempts to a rehab and half way house before he finally got sober through Alcoholics Annonomous. (mind you we were separated for a 1 yr before he sought help) He is now sober 11 years, but we didn't make it because there was more then just the alcohol issues. I am very proud of him, however, it's what you can and can't be willing to forgive and forget and what all has happened between the two of you and whether you can live with someone who will be fighting this for the rest of their life. And then the big one...trust. You can't be their support person, he needs his own sponsor to call at 3am when he wants to take that drink because it's driving him crazy. Or when he's with his friends and everyone is drinking....he might need to call him because he wants a drink to...my GOD everyone is drinking, it's the family barbeque and beer!!! In other words, every single day of his life will be a struggle and HE must be the one to handle it, not you and nor should you change your life. You'll just resent each other for it one day. I know you didn't ask for all this, I'm just giving you some things to think about, it's not "just" about changing from not drinking, it's more then that. If you will make some time, please go to an ALANON meeting held in your area. There are wonderful, caring people who can also share some of their stories. I think you need to hear plenty of them. NO, there not all "nightmares", there are PLENTY of couples who do work it out, but I really think you should hear them talk about their struggles as well.
Here's wishing you the best of luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (24 May 2007):
People can change...IF they REALLY want to. But they should not do it for someone...they should do it for themselves because they want to be a better person and they realize their screwing up their lives (not to mention others). Therapist sounds great, but is the therapist a recovering alcoholic who is going to help him? And as far as going into a rehab, it took my ex husband 4 attempts in a rehab & half way house...and then finally went to Alcoholics Annonomous. Your right that he can't do it on his own, but you are NOT the person he needs to lean on for help...it's someone who truly understands what he is going through and if your not an alcoholic, it is hard to understand. He should have a sponsor, someone he can talk to at 2am when he just has to have that drink...and believe me, you don't want to be that person. My ex husband is about 11 years sober, and might I add I am very proud of him. BUT, even with our one year separation before we divorced - more to it then just the alcohol, he was really just starting to find out who HE really was because MOST of the time, the person that we married who was drinking, is not the same person after they become sober. Sometimes, yes, both can re-discover themselves and it works out wonderful, but as with anything, there is no guarantee. You have to want it to work and both work at like anything. Also, if he started really young in drinking, and I will assume he is close to your age, it's not a one year process that the "brain cells" kick right back in. No one really knows how long he will become what WE see as "normal"...there has been talk in AA about 5 yrs. Everything you mentioned states...he KNOWS he needs to do this...he's ALMOST ready to check himself in....I guess I am hesitant because I see it as...he wants you to wait on him, when, you have no clue if he can even work the program and become responsible enough to master himself because HE WILL have a lot of hard times dealing with this and they are not the most pleasant people to live with "trying" to become sober. It's kinda like losing weight and dieting for the rest of your life every day, except let's say you got 100 pounds to lose right now. You know it's gonna be a rough ride, your gonna be irritable, might even snap because your best friend is eating the hamburger you have been craving....every single day for the rest of your life it's going to be a struggle. This will be his life...forever. I know you didn't ask for all this information, but I wanted to share some experiences that I have had..and if you really want to meet the wives/husbands of alcoholics, go to an ALANON meeting in your area. They are everywhere, mostly in church's and schools. The people there are wonderful and very helpful and will understand your many concerns. Bottom line, yes people can change...meaning he can quit drinking if he really wants to. However, I would not rush in to anything, anytime soon. He needs that one year to get himself somewhat back together with out any of your help though. He cannot depend on you to keep him sober. He can love you and be a great father and (maybe one day again) husband, but let that be. I say this because he could resent you later down the line.
Curious...knowing him six years you never saw a sign that he had a drinking problem?
I wish you luck and I'm always here to talk if you want to!
...............................
|
