A
female
age
41-50,
*.unhappy
writes:I am nearly thirty. Two years ago i moved into a property with my two children aged 4 and 6. i lived next door to a single dad with three children aged 3, 5 and 6, he was experiencing severe depression and was on drugs/drink heavily, this broke my heart to see the children uncared for and as i was already a mum i sat down with my children and asked if maybe we should help. (as we consider ourselves a very stable family) I know this was selfish but would not have gone ahead with out their say so. they agreed. With their help we have changed their life around. They attend school every day, they have excelled in their level of education, rules and bed times have been established. dad is in work now,no drugs and very little drink.the problem i have is with one of the children he constantly lies and fights with other children. He gets the others into trouble because he doesnt know how to join in. i have tried praise , punishment and liasing with the school for advice and to support them and him.this child is crying out for his fathers attention but his father refuses to comply. he says he doesnt know how to do it despite endless discussions telling him the answers and trying to find out how he feels. i have tried to arrange special times for just him and his child but again he finds every excuse not to do this. he is simply jealous of my relationship with my first two children. as i try to explain that his children should be as close to his in this way he just responds with yet more jealousy. might i just add that i do not treat them any different all the rules apply for all 5 and only if they are at risk of damaging themselves. for example staying in sight, bed times due to age, proper behaviour etcto be honest i am having to leave said child in his care for his own peace as i know i am a nag only when lies are told and another child is negativly affected by his behaviour. i constanty get i "dont know" from both parties. the child would rather lie than admit mistake and if the stories clash the child would happily sit on the step in punishment if hes brought another child down with him. I do know when this child is telling the truth (rarely) and support him when he is not in the wrong!i have taken him to a child psycologist, school psycologist and sought advice from teachers they all say dad needs to take control of the situation but does he? never!i thought he was unhappy because his mother left so i found her and reguarly meet up for her to rebuild her relationship with her children... she isnt much better than dad.what i need advice on is do i leave with my first two leaving three children to what they had before?do i take them all? do i take just the two who i have no problems with and my first two,something has to give as i have had enough. i realise i was probably very stupid to get involved in the first but my reasons were pure!i just dont know please advise xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2007): Alot of children will need your help.Not just your kids,me and lots of kids will be very grateful.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I think it was wrong of you to take in those kids at all, beuase you already had two kids to care for. If you were serious, you should have legally adopted them. Now, becuase of one kid, you are finding it is "too tough". I hope you will consider this next you try to get involved.
You signed up for this, I think you need to stick this through. However, if you leave, you ONLy take your kids. Legally, if you take any of his kids, you could be charged with kidnapping. You have no legal claim, as my understanding of this is from your story. Best check with a lawyer, as in some jurisdictions, becuase you stepped in knowingly as a mother figure, you might even be liable for paying him CHILD SUPPORT, even if you never married him. The courts tend to consider what is best for the children, not the nature of the relationship of the parents/guardians.
If you leave, take your two kids. The others are not your children. If you act like they are, be ready to spend money on them forever, as it does not sound like their dad or mom is stable enough to care for them long term.
Good luck.
-FBK
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (24 May 2007):
I think it was wrong of you to take in those kids at all, beuase you already had two kids to care for. If you were serious, you should have legally adopted them. Now, becuase of one kid, you are finding it is "too tough". I hope you will consider this next you try to get involved.
You signed up for this, I think you need to stick this through. However, if you leave, you ONLy take your kids. Legally, if you take any of his kids, you could be charged with kidnapping. You have no legal claim, as my understanding of this is from your story. Best check with a lawyer, as in some jurisdictions, becuase you stepped in knowingly as a mother figure, you might even be liable for paying him CHILD SUPPORT, even if you never married him. The courts tend to consider what is best for the children, not the nature of the relationship of the parents/guardians.
If you leave, take your two kids. The others are not your children. If you act like they are, be ready to spend money on them forever, as it does not sound like their dad or mom is stable enough to care for them long term.
Good luck.
-FBK
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