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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Hello Aunts and UnclesI have a 6 year old daughter with my ex boyfriend who this time last year I would have said is the best father in the world and my best friend but ever since he met his new girlfriend it's like his daughter doesn't exist and I'm sick and tried of making excuses for him all the time!At the beginning of the year he had promised our daughter they would go to Disneyland in the school holidays, and even sat with her looking at prices on the Internet. Then he told us he could afford to go because of the prices and the cost of things while there. Our daughter isn't spoilt and she told him it was OK but ask if they could go somewhere else on holiday and he again promised her that he would take her away. He then took me to the side a few months later and told me that he couldn't take her away and would she be OK with going to stay with his brother and his family instead of a holiday. She actually loved their weekend away as she doesn't get to see her cousins much but then he tells me that his girlfriend has booked a two week holiday to Ibiza for them. She only works part time so how she can afford two weeks for them both I have no idea but I let it slip. Then he posts endless photos of them partying, drinking on party boats....more money. And then his girlfriend replied to a message from one of his coworkers saying if he had done as much overtime as he had then he could have a holiday like this. Pretty much confirming he paid for it.My ex also has began to break other promises like going to parent's evenings, sports day, taking her to see his family, coming over for tea (which he did every week until he met his new girlfriend). She has really started to be affected by it, asking me why daddy doesn't like her anymore and if he doesn't like her anymore. I've tried to make excuses but she isn't silly, she knows he isn't at work or poorly. She has a good memory and often asks him if he is free on whatever day so when I say he must be at work, she will say no he is at work on this day, that day.He barely rings her anymore or comes over to see her apart from his weekends but he has started to come later and bring her home earlier. I haven't received any child support since may and this has caused arguments. I work full time so I have child care to pay for as well as other things she needs and the money really helps. He keeps saying he will sort it but it has never happened. It started being shorter and shorter each week then nothing.I got mad last month when I got a phone call at work telling me he was having to bring her home early as his girlfriend's sister was having a bbq and there was a no child rule so my daughter had to come home. I managed to leave work and go to his house to collect her as it was nearer and once I had put her in the car, I told him not to bother calling or coming for her anymore until he sorted himself out and stopped treating his daughter like dirt. His girlfriend came out and began calling me all the names under the sun and to be fair to my ex he did stick up for me and told her to not get involved but I'd had enough.He was never like this before, he really adored his daughter. We never rowed or fell out, she was no1 in both our lives and now it seems like he can't be bothered. He has rang and come over, demanding to see our daughter and to save her getting upset, I let him come in for a few minutes. I feel like he keeps letting her down and I have to put my foot down and do what's best. But I feel bad for doing so because she loves her daddy and asks after him everyday, and I'm stopping her seeing him. My family say I need to do what is best and that the heart ache will ease when she sees what I am doing is for her best intentions but I don't want my daughter to hate me and I want him to see how upset she gets when he let's her down all the time.Advice?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2015): First and foremost, don't put anymore financial strain on yourself. Get your legal ducks in a row, and put the squeeze on him for the child-support.
That matter is about her financial security, and it has nothing to do with your anger and frustration. New girlfriends create a lot of drama. They purposely manipulate and often deliberately cause dissension; because they are trying to stress the ties that bind him to his ex; but the children between couples feel the trauma. They don't have the understanding or tools to cope with such things.
Most often, neither would you.
He's thinking with his penis, and putting her ahead of everything; because she is demanding and high-maintenance.
The fact she had the gall to come out and confront you is evidence that she is manipulating behind the scenes; but he is a fool for sex. He has a daughter. His primary concern above anything else on the planet should be her.
You must have patience, as these things do wear-off. Romances start at a fever-pitch; but they eventually reach a plateau. So time is your friend. Allow him to see his daughter, but let him do the explaining. She's old enough to ask questions; and if you back-off, they will rekindle their love. He's smitten right now, and there's no making sense of this ordeal at the moment. There's no kinder way to put it. He thinks more with his dick than with his brain.
You can force him to meet his child-support arrearage through legal avenues. You cannot control his feelings.
He will have to rebuild his relationship with his daughter, and you have every right to confront him about lying to her. Take whatever measures you feel necessary to deal with that. Even if it does mean you take away his privileges altogether. The only problem with that is, she may grow to resent you for it. So you have to keep your wits about you.
Don't allow anger, jealousy, and frustration to take control. I'm not a fool, I know this isn't 100% about your daughter's feelings.
It's party time for dad, reliving the old irresponsible days of being single with no obligations. Either of you will eventually have new people in your lives. It will not always blend comfortably with your parenting. Children may not like your new mates, and they will show their displeasure. They will become more demanding and competitive; because they are aware of those strange people receiving your attention. You will see this when you become seriously and romantically involved. That may not compel you to neglect or pull away from your daughter, but your needs as a woman is a very strong impulse. So try not to be too self-righteous. Eventually the shoe will be on the other foot. Another man will be a bone of contention as well. It's not always about the children, people have their own selfish needs and bitterness tucked behind all the anger; but using the child(ren) can be quite convenient.
Do what you have to do to get the money coming in again.
The novelty of a new girlfriend will wear-off, or he will begin to see she isn't worth losing the love of his daughter over. This has to work itself out in that area, but you don't have to sit on your hands waiting for him to come back to his senses where your daughter's needs and support are concerned.
Keep your own jealousy out of it. It will get a hold of you, and you will make a complete disaster of this situation. You're human, but when children are involved; you are required to be super-human. You're a mother; so I'm preaching to the choir about that.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 September 2015):
 Firstly, big hugs!
I guess from your language you are either in UK or Australia or maybe NZ.
My advice is to go through whatever legal system is available to you and get some formalised access arrangements in place. The usual is alternate weekends, plus some school breaks, plus special arrangements for days like fathers day, mothers day, Christmas and sometimes days like grandparents birthdays can also be included. Child support can be formalised at the same time.
Big pain in the rear end having to do this but it will help clear up any confusion for you and your daughter and hopefully the bozo of father as well. It will also mean when situations such as the child free bbq happen he will know before hand that he needs to decline his invitation, because he is already committed to his child.
(I had a new job I was trialling for and my ex husband dropped our daughter to the office, she hadn't had her hair washed for a week and looked pretty grotty, I was really embarressed!)
Don't cover for him any more, your daughter is cluey enough to know what's what! And believe me, she will not hate you!
You are in a difficult spot right now, and he has clearly demonstrated he is thinking with the little head and not the big one!
Get a blank (lined) note book and record conversations, and days and times, you may not need this now but it could come in VERY handy sometime in the future.
I hope you can get this sorted out soon, for your sake and your childs! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 September 2015):
 I'm sorry you and your daughter is dealing with this.
I would advice you get hold of Whatever agency takes care of Child support and start filing for it. Child maintenance, Child support. Which might mean you have to talk to a lawyer/solicitor.
And I would call him (and DO NOT let you child overhear the conversation) I would tell him that from now on, he STOPS making promises he isn't 100% sure he can keep. Promising a 6 year old to go to Disneyland and then back out, but being able to go on vacation with the GF is just... plain wrong.
He should have checked the prices before making promises.
My husband had a tendency to make a LOT of promises to the kids and then later backing out with various excuses. So I HAD to get on his case and tell him STOP making promises you aren't 100% sure you can keep.
I think however, when a guy does that it's because HE does WANT to do the things they promise, but they aren't being realistic about it. Like they can't afford it, get time off or whatever REAL reason there is. So in MY book it's MUCH easier to STOP making promises.
As for him not wanting to hang out for tea ( my guess is your are in the UK, so that would be dinner) is that it's too much like he is hanging out with you. My guess is the new GF isn't liking him spending time with you. Maybe she is OK with your daughter, but not you.
And honestly? I don't really blame her. NOW if you and your ex are civil towards each other, it's a good thing. And it's a great thing for your daughter - but if this new GF is NOT liking it, well not much you can do.
I would honestly sit down with your daughter and let her know that mommy loves you, daddy loves you too. He is not being around as much lately, and I can't explain to you (to your daughter) why. But know that HE loves you and I do too.
If she asks questions, like why doesn't he come see me? or call me? Tell her you don't really know, that she might want to ask him next time they see each other.
DON'T put her in the middle, don't talk smack about him and if family/friends start to harp on him IN FRONT of your child tell them to save till she is not around.
Some guys start "fresh" when a relationship is over - unfortunately the ones who suffer are the kids.
I think (since you guys have no visitation schedule or child support set up LEGALLY) that it NEEDS to be your first step.
Since she is 6 she is in school for 6-8 hours which means the child care cost should be minimum (unless you have odd hours). I know some states (but that is in the US, not sure if the UK have the same) but there are help with daycare for single mothers.
Advice for you is also to don't make this into a "new gf" versus you and/or your daughter. Minimize the drama. Like when you picked her up from the BBQ and the GF started to scream at you... you walk away with your kid. you TAKE the high road. Because guess what? SHE is the one who look like a complete twat for screaming at you. And things like YOU can't see your daughter til you have sorted it all out - is not something you toss out there, because you are mad on your daughter's behalf that you had to pick her up, and cut her visit short.
I personally, don't understand how ANYONE can walk away from their kids and put a new partner first. I just don't get it.
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