A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiancee and I have been together for just over 3 years, but for the last 6 months I have been very depressed which has affected our relationship. She has to commute quite a long way for her job and so stays over at least once a week in a hotel. Last week I looked at her facebook account on our computer and found a number of different private messages between her and her friends from work, indicating that she was having and affair/sleeping around. I drove to her hotel and confronted her about this. She admitted to sleeping with one guy from work on 2 occasions, but she will not tell me who the person is or give me any of the details I feel I need to try to move on and get past this. She has said that she is very sorry and would never do it again and she did it because she was so miserable with the way our relationship was. She has also said she will change her job soon so that she does not see this person again and does not have to stay away any more. I am convinced that she does still love me and I do still love her. We have decided to try to use this as a catalyst to improve our relationship but the messages I read seemed to point to more than what she has admitted to and I am not sure if I can trust her again.I suppose my question is am I being paranoid or can I trust her again.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (12 December 2007):
 FOR A RELATIONSHIP TO WORK YOU NEED TO BOTH WANT IT AND BE HONEST WITH EACH OTHER. IF ONE OF YOU HAS SOMETHING TO HIDE FROM THE OTHER THEN IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.
A relationship is NOTHING without TRUST.
I had this issue with my EX. My friends were on MySpace and convinced me to go on it. I mentioned it to her and she told me she was on it as well.
We had been together for a while. She didn't want to link them cos she said it's private and I didn't think anything of it. Anyway after I set the bloody thing up I was bored of it after about a week or so I took it off.
Months later my mates said I should get myself on facebook - better than myspace and easier too. They were all having a laugh and sending each other jokes, photos of the old days and stuff, a couple of mates had since moved up North and they were always on it so I thought why not? I only had about 4 friends on there and I had nothing better to do with my time. I told her I was on facebook and how it was better than myspace. She wanted to see my profile so I told her my password. After a while she wasn't comfortable with me being on as "I'll meet someone else" so I took it down.
Now, about a month before we split up she was on there. Didn't tell me and kept it a secret. I only found out as we were at hers and when I arrived she was on the laptop with her cousin. I walked past her to go outside for a cigarette and just said "I didn't know you were on facebook" and the sh*t hit the fan.
I have no idea what was going on.
I started to think she was hiding stuff and combined with the way the relationship was going over the last few months prior, we had a few more rows (about what I have no idea). I had enough. 1 or 2 weeks later she was in a relationship with someone else. Possibly looking or chatting online behind my back.
A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 First of all, given the evidence, you are not paranoid at all.
Second, seemingly by not admitting all she did behind your back, she has not given you a chance to refresh your relationship, open a new blank page and start anew. She still has the baggage of secrets. deceptions and lies on her back.
I don't think she is a nice/strong person. And I do think that you are a fine well meaning guy. A girl who cheats on you and lies to you, her boyfriend- does not deserve your love . And in addition She will not appreciate you more because you have forgiven her. She will continue cheating. I am pretty convinced. I am sorry. You have to move on.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 December 2007):
I think it would be very difficult to trust her again. If you both love each other as much as you say then I'd suggest going to couples counselling TOGETHER.I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot and you did the dirty she'd have trust issues.Difficult situation but I'd say first stop, talk about it and then see a counseller TOGETHER.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): Its a good idea to give each other space and just keep good friends for a while. If you are meant to be together in the future, your girlfriend will realise that it is definately you that she wants to be with with a serious commitment. There is something lacking in the relationship and its better to have a straight talk about each others feelings, than keep wondering what is causing the problem. Perhaps the relationship has grown stale? and she seeks the fun and interest that you once both had together?
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A
female
reader, muffy  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 well,you never know if you can trust someone.if shes cheating on you and sleeping around then thats not loyalty or trust.your relationship is already messed uo so you might as well tell her to kick rocks.dont make her quit her job because it is pretty much everyting to her.she always goes to a hotel(or once a week watever) and she sees the guy she slept with so shes taken care of.but you need to move on and start fresh.you guys can still be friends.and no your not being to paranoid and if you think there is more then what she told you then confront her again.ok.
i hope i helped
love and kisses
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