A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i love the man im am living with but feel very insecure with his relationship with his two son's who live with their mam and stay with us every other weekend,i think he puts them on a pedistol too much and get defensive when i say negative things about them, i always feel second best to them and dread when they come to stay. his dad left his mam when he was little and i think he tries to make sure he is not like his dad who never stayed in touch, am i being selfish by wanting him to myself, i have two daughters who are older than his son's who i see every fri but they spend most of that time in their room, his sons follow their dad around every where they are 10 and 12 yrs old, he puts money away for them every month and pays his ex her child support and he lets them have what ever they want, help i think im going to lose him because of my insecurities.
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female
reader, Beckto  +, writes (15 June 2007):
 I think you need to back off. Get your jealousy under control immediately, for your sake, his sake, and for the children. It will always be, as it should be, that your husband's children will always come before you, especially when the children are under 18! Of course, he should never have to choose between you and the children, but it sounds like you are heading down a path to making him choose. I promise, you will loose.
OF COURSE HE GETS DEFENSIVE WHEN YOU CRITISIZE THEM! He is the father. He is doing his job.
Of course the children follow him around. They're young!!! And they come over EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. Children should ideally have their father EVERY DAY.
Of course he is trying to not follow in his father's footsteps, rather staying as connected to his children as he can! He remembers how hurt he was by his own father.
If you do not get yourself under control starting now, you will push yourself out of this relationship. You are an adult, so act like one.
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (15 June 2007):
 You say he gets defensive if you say negative things about his sons but when you really think about it is that not a natural reaction for a parent, every other weekend is not all that much time to see his boys so maybe it would be nice to suggest him spending one day out of the weekend doing something with just them and then the other day you could go out as a family for a picnic or anything where you have to work together as a team.
Try not to be insecure of their relationship as it is natural and very good that have the contact with their dad and you because in time you will become a role model for them too.
Take care.xx.
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A
female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (15 June 2007):
 I don't think you are being selfish wanting this man to yourself as I think that is a very human emotion, but I think you realise that you can't have him all to yourself. This guy sees his kids every other weekend and him putting them up on a pedastool might be his way of coping with the fact he doesn't see them all the time.
I know my dad was sometimes very soft with me and my sisters when we should have been told off but I think that was his way of making up for the time he wasn't there for us.
At 10 and 12 I'd think the lads wanted to be with their dad most of the time they get to see him as he is their rolemodel.
Do you get on with the sons? Maybe you should try and get along with them a little more if you don't. Join in whatever they do with their father.
Hope this helps
xxxxxxxxx
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