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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I have two teenage boys. the oldest I had to rehome as he was insulting, ungrateful and depressed me. He now lives on his own but still tal;k and he comes round and stays and eats. his 15 year brother is developing similiar styles. I feel as though I have lost control of them.I use to be very strict and hit them. I got into trouble with the police for this and nearly lost my job as I cut my older sons arm.Now I feel I can not control them. I have tried curfews and with holding money, talking sainly to them.I dont know what to do anymore.Can anyone advise. I teach, I own 2 houses. i have taken them on wonderful holidays. My partner has tried to be a good father to them but we do not live togehter so he is not here all the time.What can I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your lengthy reply Miamine. I will certainly take on board your suggestions.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 December 2009):
 The older son, he's moved out, and is classed as a young adult in the UK. You cannot run his life, or tell him how to think. Like married lady says, when he moves out, he will make his own mistakes, and one day the things you have taught him will give him guidance and he'll have a sucessfull life. He still visits you, then it's perfectly ok to make rules for your house. He gets food, well, wash dishes, or bring something for you to cook. That's fair. But no fighting, no hitting. Even if they hit, don't hit back, just ask the older one to leave, and for the younger one, well walk away untill everyone calms down, and then think of a relevant punishment.I know you are trying your best, and maybe you feel that some of us (me) don't understand. I don't have kids, but I like them, and often hear the story from their side, and remember you own battles with my parents. You want the boys to be like you, but they can't, they are their own people, they are not robots or clones. As they grow up they must learn to be "independant" like you, which means sometimes they will disagree with what you say or want to do things in their own way. Even if they are wrong and make mistakes, they are still learning, they are learning from experience, very different from someone telling them the way to go.Teaching them to wash and cook, showing encouragement.. wonderfull.. very good mothering, again, teaches them independence.Your son has 7 1/2 gcse's, well thats enough to make him a teacher. He's not stupid, and he's much too old for you to be arranging his life. Cut of his money supply, expect payment for the things you do, or some contribution to the house. Show him life is tough and only love comes free, everything else has to be paid for. Many 18 year olds are not sure what they want. Give him a little time to see what's out there. Stop pushing him at the moment, stop fixing up things for him to do. Leave him, and it's a case of sink or swim, and because of your good example, I know he will swim, and swim hard. He is much too old at 18 for you to be arranging his life.No more arrguements. You are mother, it is your house, and you command only. He got a train set, he's lucky. When he complains, then laugh in his face and tell not to be so ungratefull, money dosen't grow on trees.You want stuff in life, well you work or you do without. Don't be his money supply, make things a little harder so he has to find a way to get more money in, legally.You and the 15 year old, need to sit down and make some house rules. What you expect as good behaviour from him, what he expects as good behaviour from you. His bad behaviour gets suitable non-violent punishment, and your bad behaviour, well, harder, but something like a "swear box" where you put money in, that might help. Concrete suggestions to try to negoitate a way of being together that you both feel comfortable with.Teenagers are strange creatures, full of hormones and drives, they know everything and think the world owes them a living.. teenagers have been like this a long time, but they change and grow into responsible adults you can be proud off. Take heart and never give up or stop loving them, they will reward you in time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): as the mother of 4 sons i understand a lot of what you say. I have found with my oldest son...we clashed from day one. I honestly tried to mold him, teach him and keep him from making the same mistakes i did. He did not appreciate it at all. I felt despair many times during the teen years and at 17 he chose to move out rather than follow the house rules. Today at 25, he is married with a wonderful wife and three beautiful children. Hang in there sweetie. Growing up helps them tremendously and some times the only thing you can do is let them learn the hard way. *sigh* good luck, mal
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for allyour responses. You have all given me food for thought. I did not want to make my post too long so left out a lot.
The incident where I hit my son was in response to him bruising me badly and sending me flying.My older son had been a problem where ever he went, what ever he did, where ever he went. For years it was complaints and complaints. He left school - 7 1/2 GCSE's at C grade and above. To date can not settle at anything. I give him guidance, arrange interivews, make suggestions. I have now given up. all he is interested is material things bt does not want to work to buy them - this is what our arguments always stem from.
I am quite a tough person. I am extremely independent, catholic school upbringing, well travelled. I want my boys to share the same views as me. They regard me as a 'bad' mother. I work, I clean, i shop, I show interest in their education, i try to enrichment them and encourgage enriching activities, I teach them to look after themselves by cooking and washing. I priase them and encourgage them. What more do I do as a mother? I have not got any extended family so it is really just me and them.
I try to teach them that money and material possessions do not make you happy. Its the free things in life that makes you happy. Even now at the age of 18 my son reminds me about an electric train set he wanted for xmas. I bought him the one that cost £30 less! We have contant arguments about this. He got his electric train set bit it was what I could afford....now do you see what I have to go though.
No one can teach us how to be parents. I was knocked around as a child by my step mother and that was for no reason. When I hit my children.. its often for serious incidents. I would never swear or push or attack my parents ..whats happen with children of today!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (3 December 2009):
"I use to be very strict and hit them. I got into trouble with the police for this and nearly lost my job as I cut my older sons arm."Sigh.. sounds like you have real big control issues. It's really hard to help you, because we don't know what the sons are like. If you hurt them like this, it's no wonder they are rude and ungratefull. No point showing you respect, because you were so strict, and would punish so harshly, they have given up trying to please you. Dogs act the same way. Hit them and treat them mean, and they will bite back, and attack you and other people.At 15, well, far too late for you to control their behaviour, they are almost fully formed and set in the patterns which are the consequence of your strict type of mothering. You need help, to deal with your own control and anger issues, and to deal with being emotionally available, rather than letting money talk. I would contact the school nurse, or your doctor, and see if they have any counsellors available who specialise in family counselling. At the moment you think your son's are the problem, they are not, they are reacting and fighting back in the only way they know how. Fix yourself, talk to someone about your own upbringing, and how you learnt to behave from your parents. Hopefully if you change as a person and become a kinder and more supportive mother they will see this and respond is a more positive way towards you. Your son still visits you, it's not all lost yet, but you must change your behaviour, and stop thinking your perfect and they are to blame for everything.
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reader, natasia +, writes (3 December 2009):
 I think you have to let them go. They will never forget what you did to them - holidays, etc, simply won't make up for it. I'm afraid you are paying the price for having genuinely mistreated them - whatever a child does, deliberately injuring them just is so destructive in so many ways.
Sorry - I really don't mean to preach. It's just that I fear you're a bit too late in trying to be 'sane' now. They probably have patterns of behaviour with you that they will find very difficult to change.
I wonder what you mean by insulting, ungrateful and that he depressed you. It does all seem to be about you. And you rehomed him? It sounds as if maybe you find motherhood a particular challenge, as you would have to be truly desperate to rehome your son. After all, he was/is not a pet.
Do you feel as if you love your sons? I wonder if you have on some level un-bonded with them. They will feel that. I think your older son = you have to be grateful yourself that he choses to come home and see you. And the younger - you must accept that the way you have been may mean that now he is getting stronger and more independent, he will push you away. You cannot hope to 'control' him, as you say - now you have to get him on your side, and that is not something you can force.
To be honest I think you need to be totally forgiving, and show you love him. you need to make a big effort, to win him back.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2009):
Talk to them about why they do this, and ask them to be really honest, as you think you are drifting apart. The reason they are like this is because of the initial strictness, which has meant that nothing you now do can get to them. Young men do need boundries, but if you try to be too strict, they will rebel in this way. You need to get them to open up to you about how they feel and why they act this way. And you need to be prepared to listen, because they are going to say some very nasty things about how you have treated them. And that means you have to sit there and take it, and not say a word. Because if you do, they will never open up again. You are going to have one shot, so you need to look them in the eyes and ask them to be totally honest with you about why they act this way. And tell them you need them to be honest. If possible, have a counselling session, and say to the counsellor that you are prepared to listen to the truth. I would say that they feel very unloved, and that their upbringing has beem far to strict. So be prepared to do nothing but listen. Once it's all out in the open, you might be able to fix it all up. But it will take time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2009): really at this point there isnt a lot you can do. hitting is not a solution. Whil i do believe *gasp* in appropriate spanking, these boys are much to old for their mother to be spanking them. at this point they are probably as big as you are and you cannot physically control them. Other than earning their repect, there isnt a lot i can offer. boarding school or a boys home setting is an option but it tends to create more problems for many. I would think if you can afford ..it that is probably the best option for the younger boy, however. the older boy will just have to grow up and want to change if there is no talking sanely with him. i dont know what brought you to this point with them but whatever it was is done. it cant be redone and you can only go from here. they could be acting out their anger at not having a father, i really dont know, but nothing that you do now will change that. maybe more information here would be helpful. good luck, mal
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