A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Help please - I'm churning inside. My Partner and I are in a very difficult situation. We have been together two years, and it was a big deal for both of us to start a new relationship in our fifties. We didn't rush into it and were committed to each other from the start (we already knew each other before getting together).We have had very difficult circumstances and incredible pressures. He has a child (now two and a half) by a former girl-friend he dated for six weeks - she ended it and found out she was pregnant a few months later. As he had never had children, he decided he wanted to be fully involved, and has been a committed parent from the start - looking after the child in his home, initially two nights a week and Sundays, then half the time on average as the Mother always wanted him to have the child if he was sick and couldn't go to nursery.Even before we started seeing each other he regularly had threats to stop his access, over money, if he didn't jump at the slightest (usually unreasonable) request and so on - and then over me. Break up with me or his access would be stopped and so on, and I wasn't allowed to have contact with the child. The one thing he never gave into was breaking up with me, calling her bluff each time and contact was never stopped. He chose to manage things by being amicable (I really don't know how he managed to be amicable, but he does - for the child's sake) and being amenable over whatever access arrangements she wanted. We looked at legal scenarios, but being intelligent mature people, recognised that, nothing was foolproof in terms of his access (other than going for residency) and any court case would lead to a blood bath. The Mother is a very determined and ruthless person - we both knew her quite well - knows the court system inside out, and we have read up a lot of information over the past year or so and I joined a group of people in similar situations - and saw many of the outcomes and dirty tricks that go on. We feel certain she would make false abuse accusations if the access issue went to court as that is the only reason that access would be taken away - and/or poison the child against him. She is determined that 'her' child will not have a family other than at her end, not have a Step-Mum and that my Partner will remain the part-time parent on his own.Initially I accepted the 'no contact' rule and we hoped she would come round. And we stuck together through thick and thin and although it was incredibly stressful every time she threatened to stop contact, we were determined never to let it come between us.After a year she moved further away and things became easier. More formal, minimal communication, 'hand-overs on the doorstep' and separate lives - and we decided to break the 'no contact' rule as the only other alternative would have been to break up, due to the extra time for travelling and the amount of travelling involved, in addition to our nights apart when he had his child over. Suddenly life was so much easier and we were so happy, just all being able to be in the same place at the same time. We decided to do it discreetly for a few months then approach her and say - look it does no harm, you are still his Mum, he hasn't changed, and so on. And we also thought she probably had accepted it anyway and was just not discussing it or thinking about it - arrangements were much more formal and amicable - and reasonable, and we made an extra effort at Christmas and got her a nice present, got her a toddler sledge for the bad weather, and invited her for Christmas when she had had a recent break up with a boyfriend of a few weeks (which was not thrown back in our face but politely thanked and declined as she had made some plans).We were getting there. Meanwhile we were living in two houses. My place was temporary - two rooms in a shared house. I had sold a house a few years ago and had the equity invested. I was holding off buying another place due to the circumstances and our uncertain plans. My partner is a Farmer and shared a very small cottage with his brother, but was building a small extension after knocking down a garage. After my partner was very ill with pneumonia 18 months ago, he couldn't work much and I started going to the Farm with him every day to help out, and we worked on the extension together. I have part-time freelance work so took my computer over and adjusted my whole life style to fit around the farm work and the child's visits. We spent the days at the farm and the nights back at my place (cottage too small for 3 of us and no privacy). My contact with the child we did gradually - initially the one hour car journeys which he wasn't used to - and I kept him entertained and my Partner awake! And the evenings back at the Farm, but carried on with our two nights in different houses at first so as not to change everything at once, and so my Partner still had Dad-time with his child that he was used to.At Christmas I stayed over at the farm and it was lovely - all living in the same house. Then the problems really started. My Partner's brother - who had always liked me being there - became jealous of seeing us as a happy family - he had grown attached to the child (understandably) and hated us being a happy little unit (I still don't understand why) even though I had been very careful to take a back seat initially and the child just went to whoever he wanted to at that moment - I spent most of the time in the kitchen and didn't mind whose knee the child wanted to sit on.From january to Easter we had a horrendous time with Partner's brother making life impossible by intimidation, bullying, nastiness, and trying to split us up. The extension work got slowed up. My Partner tried reasoning with him and said when the extension was finished he could have that as a self-contained unit and we wouldn't all be on top of each other - we had intended to all live there. We also had financial plans to make the farm more profitable, investing my house equity in a barn conversion for holiday rentals.By Easter the living situation had become intolerable and my Partner said he thought we couldn't live there, we would have to live somewhere else and him just go to work every day, and keep our family life separate from the brother. That was hard - I loved our life over there, and was very involved, helping my partner with the admin side of things so he had more time free for us. Since Easter we have lived at my place, he brought paperwork home sometimes, and only went to the Farm when the child was here (because it was the child's home and we couldn't change that until we had a more permanent place of our own). It was tough on my Partner having just built an extension and thinking we have to have additional costs (which we are pushed to afford) of running two place, with his Brother living in a large place on his own! We under-estimated his brother - he was hell bent on splitting us up and maintaining what he wanted which was, my Partner to be single and the child to live at the Farm with him and my partner (I was to be relegated to a five nights a week only bit on the side!). My Partner has bent over backwards to try and keep our life from being disrupted, coming home for lunch most days, going out on Sundays with me and the child. But the Mother was on holiday in June and we couldn't accept being apart for a week, so went on holiday ourselves for half of it - at which point the brother was so angry he banned me from going there at all and constantly harangued my Partner. Gradually my partner has become more and more stressed and depressed, and I have been very stressed too - we don't get enough time together to talk to try and sort things out - and my partner says he has to keep working there - he needs to keep the business going and earn a living. Initially, at Easter, we talked about options - splitting up the Farm, one selling out to the other - all sorts, but the ongoing need to do the work just prevented us from making such major changes.We have been rowing a lot - the Mother is going on holiday again next week, and my Partner has been dreading the issue of the child being here for a week again, and his brother creating merry hell at the slightest thing. He has stood up to him a number of times (police threats - put a sock in it), said he will take me there if he wants, but we have still avoided it so my Partner can have some peace. Wednesday was my Partner's birthday and he took the day off - it was ruined by his brother phoning twice - once when we were in bed - apparently about work problems (but I have him sussed now - it was all lies) then emotional blackmail saying he was ill and had a nose bleed (yawn). We were supposed to be staying somewhere overnight with the child for his birthday and my partner said - I'd better go back tonight. I said - he's just trying it on - but it was haytime and my Partner said he was worried about leaving it another day just in case Brother was telling the truth (which he wasn't as it turned out). If only I could have just accepted that gracefully, but I had put so much effort into organising the whole day and the birthday thing and we had a huge row, and did what I always swore we would never do - let these interfering people come between us. Over the last few weeks I have been trying to find somewhere for us to rent, trying to come up with a solution for the holiday week so we don't have to spend time apart - there are many solutions - but we just never have time to talk without tiredness, interference, interruptions, or just having some quality time.We calmed down, went to pick the child up and had tea out, and I swallowed my pride, but it was during this that the brother phoned the second time and it made us both edgy and we both got indigestion.Later that night I called him on the phone as usual, and he didn't answer 3 or 4 times. The last time he answered and said he was exhausted physically and emotionally and was thinking of ending our relationship.I've been trying to hold myself together since. I talked calmly and said please don't try and think about this now, relax and get some sleep and we can talk tomorrow night - promise me you will come home - and he did and the call was fine. The next morning (yesterday) he picked me up as usual to take the child back to nursery - and everything seemed fine and normal - entertaining the child who was in high spirits, singing along to cd's, there and back. then when we got back, my partner withdrew sort of. And said he would only stay the night depending on how our talking went. I got upset and said - please don't talk like this - I don't want to give up - yes we need to talk, but about how to improve things, not about breaking up.so yesterday i felt terrible. By the time he got here, we just sort of slipped into a normal night - went for a walk, had some food - I was nervous of starting any conversation - he suggested watching TV - then we edited some photos on the computer (something we meant to do all week to get them on to a back-up disc). All a bit bizarre. We didn't talk at all. I kept thinking - maybe there's no need - maybe this will just come right and the right moment will happen.We are planning to try and talk about the holiday week tonight, and I said - however that week goes, whether I like it or not, I want us to just accept it will be difficult and not let it cause all this stress, and we will just take it one day at a time, because it's not worth splitting up over. But things are strained with us and again I am in anxiety today wondering whether he will just feel differently during the day or just not come back tonight. His reason for thinking of ending it with us was - too much stress.What has been tormenting me is - the nights he goes back to the Farm with the child and I am not there - he is living with the brother who is trying to get rid of me. The strain on both of us is awful. But the worst thing is gradually seeing my Partner spend less time with me, more with his brother - and start losing the plot. He is tired and down and can't see solutions - i can't at the moment either, but i just want to keep going and believe that we will find solutions. He has been working hard the last two weeks so we have had very little time or mental space (some of it isn't that necessary - it's his brother keeping him there) - that combined with some little games his brother has been playing for last couple of weeks, has really caused problems (he has been staying there all the time and not going out which has changed our routine, and getting my Partner to go back and work on Sunday nights - which was our only proper free night together. And he is using guilt-trip stuff all the time over he is getting too old to work so much and my Partner needs to do more (I remind my Partner that I am not going there any more to help at brother's instigation, and therefore that is his problem, not my Partner's).I desperately want to kidnap him for a few days. I know he is under a lot of pressure and needs some mental space - but pushing me away,while it may be the easiest option at the moment, makes me feeling I will lose him if I am 'out of sight' too much and his brother is doing all this game-playing (nice guy nasty guy stuff too). We were so focused on all this 3 weeks ago - I wish i could go back and not have planned anything for his birthday and not made such a big issue about it.Please don't tell me to accept it and break up - I'm not accepting it - we have been through so much together in two years, and it is not so much the difficult logistics and situation that is causing the problem at the moment, more the case that he is mentally exhausted with overwork and not enough time at home - and losing perspective - I don't want to lose him to some selfish, childish man with no life of his own. The nastiness has been unbelievable - the last time I was at the Farm, we went there for the week-end because his brother had gone away for a few days. When we got there, the brother had got rid of all my stuff. Not much, but it was mine. Some of it outdoor clothing for when I was there the odd time. That was about six weeks ago - since then the brother has been there 24/7 and kept my Partner there a lot. One week my partner finished early a couple of times and got a load of abuse. I can't let him give me up just to avoid being bullied. I don't think he can contemplate giving up the Farm (and financially it would be almost impossible to do something else without a long-term plan) - he loves it and grew up there as a boy. I keep thinking, maybe I should say to my partner - look lets both go over there and talk to him - or try - but I daren't suggest anything like that at the moment, as he is so weary of conflict, and I know it wouldn't do any good anyway - brother would just shout and walk out.We were together here last night, but it was emotionally numb and strained, like we were trying and going through the motions.someone please, give me some hope. I am 52, have been married twice before (even though many years ago) and I do not want to give up - someone give me some inspiration that you can get through rough times without breaking up. My anxiety is being apart at this time - affecting his perspective. And knowing he is under so much pressure and on the edge - and working all day with his brother and feeling there are problems at home. he is forgetting that the problems aren't between us - they are being caused by other people. I am actually worried for his sanity. He says he has been compartmentalising to cope - and that got blown sky high when he was here for the day with me on Wednesday and his brother came into our life with the phone calls.
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female
reader, petina1 +, writes (3 September 2010):
 Wow, how do you cope with all that. You say you have been married twice before, I'll bet you didnt have to put up with all this. It can't be good for the child involved either. He needs to get a grip. Maybe you could encourage him to sell up and get as far away as you can from the bullying, domineering brother. Just because he grew up there is no excuse to stay there, what was his bro like as children?. You could find some happiness once thats sorted. As far as the childs mother goes, no court in the land would stop a father from seeing his child. Family Courts are there for a reason, they sort contact arrangements out amicably.
When you are alone with him, pull the plug out of the phone so the bro can't ring for a start. He needs a kick up the backside for what he's doing to you both. But what I'm really trying to say is, tell him to sell up and have done with all the rubbish in his life. A good financial advisor will let you know how to go on and how to manage any money's. Apart from that if nothing gets done you will all end up unhappy. Hope this helps
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