A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I've been with my boyfriend for about five years now and we got into an argument a few nights ago because he thinks I've cheated on him. About four years ago I hung out with one of my boyfriends friends. I had a few drinks with this friend and hung out with him a few times and that was it. About a week after we started hanging out he began to spread rumors about me sleeping with him. I've rarely spoken to this friend in the past four years because of it. A couple nights ago out of the blue this friend e-mailed my boyfriend and told him that he needed to get something off his chest that he felt guilty about, and then proceeded to tell my boyfriend that he was sorry he'd slept with me. I would never cheat on my boyfriend because I love him so much, I'd do anything for him. I have no idea what this friends problem is, but I fear I'm going to lose my boyfriend over this idiot because my boyfriend is believing him over me. My boyfriend said it's "odd" that four years later, out of nowhere this friend would be apologizing for having done this and that is why he believes him. I really don't know what I'd do if I lost my boyfriend, he means the world to me and I've never loved a man so much. I can't stand the thought of losing him, especially over something I did not do. Please..please help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are simply wonderful. All of you who have replied, thank you so much. I feel a little more at ease now. I will try to be firm when I speak to him next. I just hope he takes me at my word because 5 years is a long time to be with someone. The thought of his absence scares me a little should be break up with me. Thank you for your support :) I hope all goes well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): You may lose him, even though you didn't do anything. It happens. If you are sure that you didn't do anything, no kissing, no touching, no sex, no anything, then you need to maintain that. If you were drunk, "had a few drinks with this friend", then all bets are off.People don't always remember what they do when they drink. Add marijuana or anything else, including prescription drugs like antidepressants or anxiety medications to that mix, and you can be even less sure of anything.So, if none of this applies to you, you stand your ground, maintain your innocence, and let the chips fall where they may, and your bf will have to figure out what he wants to do.But, he will have a hard time with it. Why? Because often cheaters will maintain their innocence in the face of overwhelming evidence, even when (believe it or not) they have been caught in the act of actual intercourse with the other person by their gf/bf/spouse. Some of them will even post anonymously on the internet, maintaining their innocence, when nobody even cares on this type of setting. Why? Because of guilt, shame, etc, etc, etc. It is a very complex psychological issue.Now, on the other hand, some people like this "friend" of yours, often are not happy when someone else is happy, and can do things to be destructive of the other relationship. This happened to me and my wife, a "friend" was constantly dribbling doubts to my wife about my faithfulness and how I was treating her and how I viewed her, and my work hours and etc. Well, I was just working, I wasn't with another woman, and my wife ended up thinking our marriage was over and started having an affair herself. At some point, she ended the affair, decided to work on the marriage. It was years before she actually believed me that nothing was going on, on my end, and confessed to her affair. I couldn't understand all this, finally she told me what this "friend" was saying.This friend would leave her kids at our house, on my day off from work, smile and talk nice to me, then leave. While I was cooking all the kids breakfast she was planting seeds of doubt in my wife's mind, and going around talking badly about me when I wasn't around.Then she'd come pick the kids up later in the day, smile, chat nicely, and leave and thank me for watching the kids or I'd drive and drop them off at their house. I had no idea. I still have no idea why she'd do this. My wife said that this friend "hated" me, and she realized this in retrospect. The "why" will never be known.You may never know why.
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A
male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (15 April 2011):
It is rather unsettling to receive an e-mail out of the blue from someone saying that they are sorry they slept with your girlfriend. On the other hand, your boyfriend needs to realize that this e-mail is in fact so random that it's bulls***. Why, after 4 years, would this guy come clean now? Even further, why would he really care about sleeping with another man's girl? I'm not saying all guys are that low; indeed, there are many men with morals.
However, you said that this incident took place approximately 4 years ago and alcohol was involved. Let's be real here, guys in the 18 - 22 year old age range that are under the influence of alcohol are not known for their astute morals. Keeping this in mind, refer to my above question: why would he care about whether or not a girl he is trying get in the sack has a BF? He wouldn't. Now, keeping THIS in mind, why would your BF believe an e-mail out of the blue from this tool apologizing for sleeping with you after FOUR (4) years? It is a load of cadswallop and should be dismissed as such.
I realize that you did hang out with this guy and alcohol was involved so I can understand some wary feelings. Alcohol affects judgement first, causing people to do things they would not do in normal circumstances. You, however, maintain your innocence of any wrongdoing towards your BF. Good, now you need to make sure you BF believes you. Does he bring this subject and "talk around" it or does he outright accuse you of cheating? If he repeatedly accuses you of cheating and you are not offended at this stain on your character and/or love and faithfulness for him then he probably doesn't believe you. I wouldn't.
Ever notice how you ask someone normal questions and they are confident in their answers and look you in the eye but when you suprise-ask them if they did something or said something, and this question implies guilt (and you know they are guilty), they don't sound so confident and tend to look anywhere but at you. Further, if you keep asking them over and over and give them the impression that you don't believe them, and they are guilty, most likely they still won't sound so confident but they won't be offended that you question their word. Reason is, they are uncomfortable with the question and want you believe them as fast as possible so the subject can be changed.
An innocent person would be indignant at this type of questioning. Are you meak and mild if he accuses you of cheating or do you really get tired of it? If you do, let him know it in no uncertain terms.
I am all for overcoming insecurities through love, support, and understanding for each other. This is how relationships become very strong because you build a bond and you know that, no matter what, you have each other. But if this isn't "cutting the mustard" to resolve this issue then you may have to "lay down the law." If you didn't cheat on him and despite your attempts to prove yourself to him through positive channels, he does not believe you then perhaps he might be to be humbled...
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): Your BF is worried cause of one reason: alcohol. If that wasnt used in your interaction with this guy, he'd more than likely have no reason to worry. To be on the safe side, dont combine booze with his friends just so u dont put yourself at any risk whatsoever of making any bad decision. So, basically its your word against his. You have to point out to your BF how loyal youve been in the past to him and how youve shown that. Thats really all you can do. If you have prior trust issues with him and they havent been rebuilt, this could be a big problem. In fact, if this a$$hole keeps contacting your BF Id get the police involved for harassment cause really if you tell him to stop and he continues, then he's violating law. Especially since you havent seen him in four years, he's practically a stranger anyhow and if some guy keeps sending unwanted messages to you or your BF well then Id say you have a solid complaint. Good luck.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 April 2011):
 First, collect your breath. If you come across as frantic, freaked out, or you're throwing yourself at your boyfriend in an attempt to get him to believe you, stop right now.
Your boyfriend has a problem. If he's not trusting of you, then what does your relationship have to stand on? He either believes you, or he doesn't.
What your boyfriend should be doing is putting his friend in his place for slandering you. You are not guilty until proven innocent. You should look your boyfriend in the eye and demanded to hear the proof of your sleeping with him.
If he loves you, and there isn't concrete evidence of you cheating on him, then he should stand by you and not the friend. It's precisely the fact that he's bringing it up four years later that suggests that he's a bit unbalanced. Most boyfriends would go ballistic at their friends for going after you in the first place!
Calmly tell your boyfriend that if he can't believe you, than you two have no business together. You know that you're innocent, and if your boyfriend questions you and accuses you without proof, then he's not worth having in the first place.
Then you need to pull yourself together. Do not fall prostrate in front of your boyfriend, beg, cry, promise anything, or give up your independence and individuality in order to keep him. If you did nothing wrong, then you can hold your head up high. If he leaves you without proof, then he is not the man you love so much. He has failed you.
Hopefully, he'll come to your senses.
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female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 This will be your boyfriends call. He'll either recognize his friend as an instigator of lies and possibly jealous or he'll believe him. If you want to take a polygraph I guess it could be arranged but kind of far fetched.
Also the friend might actually believe he did sleep with you, it might of been another girl that night, he was drinking.
Or he might of dreamed it again drinking!
Time will tell.
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