A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm lonely and confused.. I'm a strong and very independent woman, I run my own business and have been in 2 long term relationships, I never sleep around and only slept with 4 people at 23. Normally I'm a happy single and have lots of guys wanting me. After 9 months without so much as a kiss from a guy I've found myself becoming lonely and craving the touch of a guy I can connect with. It boils down to the last guy I slept with creeping up to a year ago now..I think I've broken. I took my time with him and slept with him because I expected things to go further going by the things he would say and the spark and how long we'd been dating... I was taken for a fool, and for the first time my confidence was shattered! I didn't hear from him after we slept together and heard he was lying to me about the majority of his promises. I felt betrayed.I'd like to say he's a dick, took me for granted and just move on, but dating has since then been failure after failure, and I can't help think it's to do with my frame of mind since that. I'm funny, have an incredible /well paid job, work out, slim, been told I look like eva longoria and Nicole scherzinger and have the reserved attitude as Charlotte from Sex and the City! I have a good relationship with friends so don't reek of desperation of companionship! What is wrong with me??I have guys after me, my confidence should be up but when I go for guys I have an attraction to that I would normally be able to get in a heart beat, I fail again and again. I don't know how much rejection I can take.. I need advice, I'm on medication and will be seeking counselling soon but I need some truth and as much help as I can get! I don't want to cave and lower my standards or become so desperate... But it's so hard being this lonely.. I don't want to try dating websites or prostitues etc.. Just a change of state of mind I guess!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): I think the key to getting past this is this:You don't deal with rejection at all well. Your ego can't comprehend it. You can't be everyone's cup of tea, and you need to REALLY accept that. You are seeking outside reassurance, it's like you're ego is searching for a 2nd and 3rd opinion after this last guy dropped you, and on a subconscious level you are letting off signals warning potential suitors of this. You need to learn the only person who can give yourself this reassurance and validation is yourself, and when you do this, you will stop seeking it from others, and you will be much more likely to get further with men.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): You're in your early to mid-20's; so you're in your prime, young lady.
The key is not to panic just because you hit a slump. When things don't seem to fall into place, you concentrate on something else. You may not realize it, but you may be coming on too strong; and that comes off as desperate.
You can't go out on a "mission" and expect to always accomplish what you set out to do, when it comes to dating. It's a challenge and sometimes your game is off. Sometimes you make all the right moves, but they still miss the target.
That happens to every single and available adult, with the ability to reason. You're frustrated, so that will only make things seem worse. A year without sex is tolerable. If your mission is to bag a boyfriend and make-up for lost-time? Maybe you should change your goals and readjust your mindset. Tone it down. The guy was not necessarily a moron. You planned to far ahead, and you're disappointed it didn't turn out. He saw your desperation, and he took at advantage of it. You claim you took your time. Apparently you didn't, or you might have ducked a bullet.
Commitments happen, they can't be forced. It's a matter of timing and chemistry. Every guy that goes for the bait isn't a catch.
Stop pressuring yourself to find yourself a "relationship."
Take the pressure off yourself. The harder you try, the more evasive what you want will be. Your desperation is sending off warning-signals to avoid you; or to a player, to use you. Once you relax and stop stressing, your demeanor and the attitude you project will change. Your whole aura is off; because you've gotten it in your head that there is an urgency. Perhaps there is, but you don't want to let on.
You let a mishap with a guy completely throw you off. That means you're just not ready to put yourself back into the game yet. You've got to get your head right first. You are doing things subconsciously that is turning men off.
Here's what commonly happens to all of us when we're in your present state of mind. We shoot-off subtle sarcasms, over-sell ourselves, try too hard to show our confidence, and all the while coming-off like an animal in heat. I'm not saying this is what you've done, but it happens when people get their egos damaged. One emotional-downfall, and it seems our whole life is thrown off-kilter. You over-think everything, and you'll start casting blame.
Suddenly you give him power over you, he doesn't really have. It's all a figment of your imagination.
It's not as bad as you're making it. You are exaggerating the rejection in your head. You might be a tad conceited; and your ego took a terrific hit.
You're approaching men who don't want what you want, and that is being interpreted as outright rejection. In spite of the fact a year has gone by sense you were intimate, you're just not ready. You haven't recovered from that guy! You're throwing out negative-vibes at guys; because he pissed you off. The scary part is, you think you're doing just the opposite. If you drag around a grudge. It shows. Guys know a wounded-female when we see one. It's best to get out of her way. She's a case-load of insecurities, possessive, cynical, jaded, and downright toxic. That is, until she is completely over the guy who broke her heart.
Take a long vacation. Get some counseling just for a tune-up. Stop purposely looking for a boyfriend; and just date casually. Enjoy it for fun and companionship. Stop looking for anything long-term, and don't hold any high expectations from someone you've just met.
You don't make future plans with a guy you've met only a few days or weeks ago; just because he's nice. You just enjoy the present, and allow nature to take its course. Getting ahead of a natural process usually ends in disaster. You feel lonely, but you're never really alone. You've got you, friends, and family.
You just can't own people, and hold-on too tight for fear they'll leave you. You can't panic when you see they don't want to commit to you. That's just how things happen in life. You take it in stride. Allow yourself time to heal and regroup, then you jump back in the saddle. I know what I'm talking about.
Give yourself time to completely get over the last guy.
Sorry if you really miss sex and affection; but you've sabotaged all prospects by trying much too hard. You don't always have to remind men how extraordinary you are. Have mystique, and let them discover it as they get to know you.
The guy isn't always the problem. Don't play victim to your ex, or you'll never correct our own faults. Sometimes it's something within yourself that needs fixing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Sorry this has happened. You need to be more selective who you involve yourself with, this guy was a total turd who scammed you. Next time wait until you're married for sex, at least that way you know they are really making a commitment to you provided they're not after something else, lol. You will weed out the non serious suitors that way. I think you're going after the wrong type of men so you might want to think about that.
I don't think having multiple long term relationships and tons of sex partners should be a goal, it should be about finding ONE person who suits you, who you love and who you can truly go the distance with.
I hope you get some peace here and get the help you need to build your self esteem back up. I think this is partly about feeling that you betrayed yourself and your own poor judgement because you trusted someone who was obviously not trustworthy and who hurt you badly in spite of the fact that it wasn't a relationship of any real length and he is a total idiot. It would feel much worse if this were someone you had been deeply involved with who you had planned or had a life with.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Your last guy took you for a fool? That sucks, coming across human garbage that used you and dropped you. First of all, recognize that it's your ego and sense of rejection that you can't get past now. You can either let this guy keep taking advantage of you until you're in your 30's or 40's and no longer looking like Eva Longoria, or you can use the same logic that has you in the cutthroat world of entrepeneurship to realize that the guy is not worth a single thought of yours. Why should a guy like this have your permission to turn you into what you are emotionally? If you were talking to your best friend, and she had this issue, what would you tell her?? You'd probably tell her that he's a loser who talked a good talk but flaked out, and that his actions shouldn't be allowed to change her life.
It's your ego and the sting of rejection. I'd like to tell you that if you are like you say you are, and this isn't a slam on you at all, but you're most likely not used to this treatment. You're more used to being in control. You are used to doing the rejecting of those who aren't your type. You haven't developed the skill of dealing with this sort of thing. Think of it like it's the business world. In the business world, rejection, not taking no for an answer, looking for opportunity, opening new territories, and selling is second nature, and with it is hearing the word "no". We grow a thick skin and don't take it personally.
You need to take that mentality and apply it to this guy. Why do YOU take personally that this guy is a loser? He is a failure, and HE is the one who has to live with his moral bankruptcy. You need to take that iron skin and apply it to your heart as well as your head. Don't equate sex with ultimate vulnerability. Take your time like you have, and choose a guy who isn't such a promiser. Date and have fun. Take the lesson from this loser as what not to go for next time around. You're young. 23 is young, and you've not had a lot of LTR's.
Go to counseling to find out why this is getting to you so much, but I can tell you that it's a lot harder to run your own business long term. You have to deal with a lot of rejection, especially if you're in an industry dominated by men. Don't obsess over failures. Think of them as the dirt you have to shovel through to get to the gold. You already think that way in business. Time to apply that to your love life. Shovel this guy with the SH*T he belong with in your mind, and move forward. Once you see rejection for what it is, its power over you shatters and shrinks.
Talk to your friends. If you're having problems in the dating world, have you asked them if they know anyone who'd be good for you? Either that, or meet guys in your profession. Find commonality so it's not just about dating, thus taking out the nervous factor for you.
Other than that, I don't know what to say. Your counselor will assist you as well. Chin up! That guy who treated you like that is a moron. You obsessing over him is more than he deserves.
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