A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been together for over 5 years and we are set to be married in a month and a half. I ended up sleeping with my ex and told my fiancé that we kissed. I was going to tell him the whole truth but he went ballistic anyway. He was devastated and heart broken. As we cried, I told him how much i want to marry him and how much i love him, yet I can't help but wonder if it is really what I want. I am so torn because he has been nothing but good to me. He is an amazing man. But the love I have for my ex is different than the love I have for my fiance. I can't help but feel that I need to stay because I gave him my word to marry him. Is that a mistake when all I can think about is my ex and how much love we have? My ex is finally ready to commit. He told me how I have been the only one he has ever loved and all he wants is to be with me finally. Timing has never been in our favor. Is it now? Or is he too late? What do I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): Why does everyone, including most of the Agony Aunts, ignore the problem of STDs when people cheat?
If you cheat then your partner has the *RIGHT* to know. For their own protection. Its their body. They didn't choose to take the risk that you exposed them to.
Neither condoms nor STD testing even comes close to catching everything. Nobody wants to hear it, it's just the truth.
A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (4 August 2014):
 DO NOT marry someone you don't feel the deepest love for. It will not last. Even if your ex was not in the picture, this would not last. You know how you feel when you really love someone, your fiance isn't it. Marrying for any reason outside of love is the biggest mistake you will make and it will without a doubt fail. Obligation, duty, guilt... These are not reasons to marry someone.
Sure it seems heartless to end an engagement. May seem impossible even since the wedding is set only a month away and the family knows, everyone is planning for it, I get it. But this is a lifelong commitment you are supposed to be making when you get married, ending an engagement doesn't compare to the difficulty of ending a marriage. And it certainly isn't less awful. Don't ever go down the aisle knowing beforehand that it doesn't feel right.
There's a high chance you end up cheating on your future husband with your ex again as well. You feel very strongly for him and did it once, it could happen again. Why subject a man you said is nothing but good to you to that? I'm not saying you are a terrible person, but marrying him would certainly make you cruel. It would be a pity marriage, and that's not fair to anyone. And you would be setting your fiance up for a certain divorce, also unfair. No one wants to go through that. He likely wouldn't be getting married if he knew your true feelings.
Sit him down and be honest. You don't need to share that you had sex with your ex, it's moot and will only further hurt him. But tell him you love your ex. Tell him you don't feel right going through with the wedding, that it could be a mistake. Tell him you want to get married but mainly because of his feelings and you think it's the right thing to do. He will likely call it off himself. And he wI'll be mad, heart broken, upset... No doubt about it. But in the long run, you are doing the best thing for both of you. And I can damn near promise you he will not only forgive you but he may even thank you one day for not going through with it. Have the courage to end it now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): This entire problem only exists because you are still telling great big lies. If your fiancé knew the truth about your feelings about him/ex/marriage, not to mention what you have already done behind his back, then he would probably call off the wedding for you. Problem solved.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Do not marry your fiancé! You will never be happy with him since you're marrying him out of duty. And if you are not happy he will not be happy. You will both be miserable. Do the brave thing and break up with him.
Marrying him is postponing the inevitable breakup. But if you delay breaking up you will find yourself going through a divorce. That is more expensive and emotionally draining and will be even more difficult to explain to your friends and family.
Be brave and break up with him.
Lying anymore will just create a disastrous situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): Don't marry him. You can't after that. I mean, you could, but it wouldn't be fair to him.... Or you, in the long run.
You blew this relationship with a good man because you think the grass could be greener on the other side with your ex who just happens to be ready to commit just as you're engaged to someone else.... I don't think you should be with him either, personally.
This is a true story that is currently happening with a friend of mine and may or may not have some similarities with you:
My friend (19) has been with her boyfriend (20) on-off (probably equally on to off) about 6 - 8 times in 2 years. She feels "love" with him more than ever with anyone else (something most people seem to say every few relationships). He cheated on her (is that why you're so happy your ex is "finally ready to commit?), hit her and degraded her (things I won't assume your ex has done), as well as being with another girl when my friend miscarried their baby when they'd only been together for a few months. She's been "engaged" to him twice, and broken up at least 4 times since, know, after being back together for two days, he proposed again but actually bought a "ring" this time (albeit she thinks it's a real one, not an £8.00 one), so she's accepted believing he's really changed this time - something she's said every time and never happens. If I were to predict her future for the next 6 months, she'll be pregnant, not married, will have broken up at least once in that time and she'll be distraught again, trying to convince everyone she won't go back to him, when she should be convincing herself, then going back to him, if he feels like keeping her on the hook.
Now, your ex might not do all of those things, but he's popped up at a convenient time for him and you just jumped back into bed with him on his word....
Leave your fiancée, but truly consider if this ex is suddenly worth getting back together with....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 August 2014):
 You've already ruined your future with your current fiance. To marry him now would be a crime against humanity. You cheated on him. You didn't even have the guts to come clean about it. It's already over, and if you marry your fiance now while deceiving him, the world is going to crash down on you, because it's GOING to come out.
Your fiance is a good man who's never done anything to hurt you. Let him go to a woman who can cherish him. If your ex will have you, go to him. You've already made your choice by cheating, so do the right thing for once. To hedge a bet by lying to your fiance and keeping him around for security is mean, cruel, and heartless.
You've made your choice. Have the guts to live with the consequences of it now...the entire consequences. You've destroyed your relationship with your fiance whether you've lied or not. YOu didn't kiss your ex. You let him put his penis into your vagina.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 August 2014):
 You write: "I can't help but feel that I need to stay because I gave him my word to marry him."
Didn't you - by inference - also give him your word that you would be faithful? .... so much for "your word..."
I would suggest that you be honest with YOURSELF, and realize that YOU aren't prepared to be married to this man, or anyone else...
Meanwhile, you have an opportunity to be a real and honorable person by postponing or cancelling the "marriage" that you and this unlucky man were planning.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): The ex is like a child. He only wants what he can't have. Stay away form him. It's clear that your fiance loves you more tha you love him.
You gave him your word that youd get married. Is that honestly the best reason you can think of to get married? Save your self time and money and call off the wedding. Your young and you've your whole life ahead of you.
Don' take action without thinking it through fully and Ask yourself is your fiance going to be enough? You've already cheated on him once. Will you do it again? At the end of the day marriage is about monogamy and being faithful to your wife/husband. Is it all worth it?
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