A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never gone on anything like this for advice but I'm alone in this. My friends and family wouldn't understand. I can take judgement in here but not from them. Ok, my fiancé and I have been together since we were 16. We're 27 now and have two kids together. We've grown through our teen and adult years together. Not many can say that. We've experimented. We've had 3 and 4 sons and it was great. I found out we were expecting out second child about 2 years ago and couldn't have been more happy! Throughout my pregnancy we still experimented with sexual themes and such. My husband expressed that he liked to experiment with anal -on himself- I at first was totally blown away until I grounded myself by reminding myself that if I can go down on another girl, why can't he get bare backed by a man? For most of my life I've thought that sex in all its forms is so amazing, ever changing and healthy. I used to get so upset when I was 17/18 and finding out he was looking at porn for 6 hours straight when I was at school. So mad to the point I couldn't look at him. I got over that when he invited me to enjoy it with him. Which is where my opinion on "sex in all its form" first became "it's good" flash forward 10 years to now. I've just had my second child and progressively I've been shut out from his sex adventures. He's never had sex with someone without me so when I say adventures I mean he has his own tumblr account full of porn, he has secret pages on his phone hidden in a file to look at when ever and he's constantly searching for hot chicks profiles on Facebook. He also spends 45 mins to an hour or more in the bathroom looking at porn but tells me he's "just pooping and playing games" we don't look at porn together any more. We used to collect pictures during the day if sexy things to do or that we liked and share them in bed before we had sex. Or watch porn together before sex. That is at 0% now. We don't do it at all. Granted, out baby sleeps in our room so as to not wake him we have to be quiet. We can have sex in the living room because we still live with him mom (awkward!) so were limited, yes but I'm becoming depressed by being shut out and I also worry it's because I'm not 120lbs anymore. I'm 140lbs but my butt and boobs doubled in size and not so much my waist (although I am human it does look like a flabby mommy tummy) I'm just searching for advice. How do I tell him I'm unhappy with the lack of fun or that I'm hurt that he hides in the bathroom without being a controlling bitch?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 July 2015):
 He's become addicted, and that has nothing to do with how you look. When he has to look at porn (under the guise of "sharing" pics with you or otherwise) to get aroused, then he has a huge problem. 6 hours at a time?!?
This is HIS problem. It's got nothing to do with whether or not you measure up, or if you can do something to get him away from it. Porn is his drug of choice, and now it's interfering with your sex life and even when you do get together, erectile issues, sexual arousal, "finishing" off without getting soft or looking at porn, and he's got some issues.
Check the site yourbrainonporn.com, and you'll see a lot of things scientifically that porn is doing to him. You may see behavior he's exhibiting in a different light than "he doesn't want me" when you put it in the light of a genuine addiction.
Addiction or no, you don't have to put up with it. He needs to want to change and reboot his brain and sexual response pathways. It's not that he finds you less...but his brain has been wired to have a bunch of anonymous images be the stimulator, and he's gotten used to his hand (or other toy) to try to get off, which numbs it to things like conventional sex. Anal on himself is about heightening an orgasm, which is getting desensitized due to his addiction. Guys will go to a lot of lengths to try to heighten the orgasm, like edging for hours, electrostim, fleshlights, pain, prostate milking, and so on.
Even 3 or 4-somes together? You've been longsuffering, but you've also been enabling his addiction, and now it's out of control. Talk to him about it like the addiction it is without personalizing it to yourself. You need to put your foot down, because it's going to get worse if something doesn't change.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): ' How do I tell him I'm unhappy with the lack of fun or that I'm hurt that he hides in the bathroom' Just lay it out for him as you have done here.Your concerns are legitimate and as your fiance and partner for a long time, he will see what you mean.Whether he acknowledges your concerns and acts to rectify the situation is a different question altogether. He might well dismiss you as being bitchy or controlling or insecure or a nag as a way to get you to drop it.Or he could simply deny and say you're exaggerating.Or he could say you've become boring.Or he could apologize but carry on doing albeit more discreetly.Whatever his reaction is, you need to be clear What you want from him and what you will do if he doesn't try to resolve things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh no!! I meant I have had 3 and 4sums, not sons! To give you insight to my own sexual adventures! We have two children together. We got pregnant at 16 and again at 26. We are great partners when we're not discussing sex. He tells me he loves me, tells me I'm beautiful and always encourages me to do what I want. But the flip side is that we don't have the same kind of sex life we did before our second child. Before him we'd have great wild sex. And he confided in me his need to experiment with men like I did with women. It all slowly was taken away. He slowly stopped looking at Wild porn with me or showing me pictures he'd saved on his phone to use as foreplay later and now it's to the point where he looks at his kind of porn in the bathroom and claims he's not masterbating and is just on Facebook or a game. Sometimes he admits he IS looking at porn but not masterbating even though an hour may pass. Or I'll see he's going to random hot girls Facebook pages that he's found from another page off of another page and so on. We have sex pretty regularly. Almost every night...almost... And nights we don't have sex he sometimes tells me he's going to masterbate. I'm just bothered by it and I've asked him to stop or not bring his phone to the bathroom with him but he gets defensive. Not sure how to handle it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): His porn may be becoming more of an addiction or an escape from reality; than just a form of alternative adult-entertainment. Masturbation is becoming his preferred means to get-off.
He's no longer sharing it with you; because porn for most guys is a personal and private indulgence. He either wants you, or the porn. Hardly both. If all he wants is the porn, he's been using too much of it. That means, he may find it easier getting off by himself, and he's becoming more selfish about sex. Not to mention he's desensitized by so many years with the same sex-partner; and yet having an alternative always "at hand!" Pardon the pun!
You weren't married to this guy before starting a family; and now (so many kids later) you're coming to this conclusion? Kids don't guarantee you a man is committed to being your husband (or a father). You may hold on to him by law, through child-support for the children; but he doesn't have to be willing to reciprocate any feelings you have for him. This may not be true at all, but it is a grim probability to be considered.
He wants you to feel just the way you are feeling; because I don't believe he wants to marry you. He wants you to feel threatened by the porn. It gives him power. You'd do anything to please him.
About marriage? I think it's more your idea than his, even if he asked you. He decided to pop the question; perhaps because that's easier than living apart, and paying child-support. You're a woman, you don't think like a man. I can.
It's pure speculation or conjecture on my part; but my opinion is, he was under pressure from society, your family, his family, and you...to do what's right. He's a sex-freak. Not a family-man!
If he could do what he wanted to do; he'd visit the kids and be a dad, but not marry you! He's got porn! It's less demanding than a wife and kids! He has retreated into his adolescence to escape all those pressures. You represent all the pressures he wants to avoid and escape; thus you are not welcome into his den of porn. What you describe of him, and his relationship with you, does not sound like he's marriage-material. It just seems you're doing everything you can out of desperation to keep him.
I think he is also bisexual; and undergoing a shift in his sexual-preference. You've intruded on his secret sex-life. He doesn't want to share it with you; because he knows your only reason for participating, is to monitor his behavior. You're only pretending; to make him think you're into what he's into. Every darned word you've written clearly says you're not, and he knows it.
You may only be involved in it, to be the porn police; and he senses you're judging him, more than you're enjoying the porn. You may also be unconsciously showing your negative-emotions and objections to it, and it kills the high. While you're obviously trying to compete with it. He's not an idiot. He IS being somewhat of a pig.
Well, you will have to hand down an ultimatum, and/or expect to be a single-mom. He is now immersed in sex without a partner, and not requiring your participation. He may be secretly conflicted about being committed to you, and his sexuality. So he's pulling away, little by little.
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