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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear aunts and uncles,Please bare with me, i'll try to make this as clear and as short as possible.My boyfriend has been talking about proposing for sometime now. We live in a conservative culture where it has to be official and have his parents come to my parents house and ask for my hand in marriage for thier son. Before that my boyfriend has to meet with my dad and ask permission to bring his family. Mu dad has met my boyfriend a few times and they get on well, my boyfriend is still a bit I intimidated by my dad though.Now there's a lot of uncertainty going on in my boyfriend's life, he just started training for a new job but hasnt been officially employed or put on the payroll yet. We are both planning to leave the country to the US together next year, for work/education. He's applying for positions right now through a compititive national process and i know how stressful that is. But he might need to leave sooner due to some family issues. we dont want to be apart if that happened.My parents work in yet another country and they are only here 2-3 times a year, and it is very hard for them to come any other time.My boyfriend told me he needs to talk to my dad before my parents leave again in a couple of weeks. My dad mentioned inviting him over for dinner (my dad wasnt aware of the proposal thoughts) so i told my boyfriend that he is invited and if he wanted to say anything that its the time to do it. My boyfriend agreed bas was from the start a bit nervous.Now since yesterday i have been excited but my boyfriend doesnt seem to match my level of excitement. it breaks my heart a little. I talked to him about it he said that he was very happy and excited and he was sure that this is what he wants. That he's just nervous about starting a nee part of his life and the responsibilities. He also told me not to dig for drama. I understand all that i am nervous too but its nothing compared to my happieness about us.His attitude took away from my own happiness, i know he has the right to feel that way and he was honest. But i feel reaaly upset, i am thinking of telling him not to talk to my father anytime soon not until he feels 100% good about it. But i also dont want to make a big deal out of nothing. I myself dont know how to deal with it. I always imagined having him propose to me would be one of the happiest moments in my life. Now my heart just feels heavy.Am I overreacting?Can someone help me with some perspective please? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tottochan  +, writes (23 July 2015):
Namaskar,You're extremely fortunate that you have a loving partner who is well liked by your parents. The fact that he is going to ask your father for your hand in marriage MUST be making him nervous! Any guy would be, and especially more so, if he is a tad bit intimidated by the father! :)You mention that he has to sit for a competitive exam - that must be weighing on his nerves as well, which you probably know better than anyone.Keeping all this in mind, it's completely natural that a guy would feel preoccupied before the formal proposal. It doesn't mean that he isn't looking forward to your life together. It's just that because he cares for you so much, he wants to be sure that after you get married, you want for nothing. He wants to be the ideal, and he might be worried with his own thoughts - whether he will be everything your parents wanted for you? Whether he will be able to fulfill all your wishes?When you say that you wanted the proposal to be the happiest moment of your life - please understand that this statement implies that it's all downhill from there on! Which should never (and definitely will never) be the case. The engagement is but a minor incident in your life together, and there is so so so much to look forward to!Anyway, let him get the tension of asking for your hand in marriage from your father - then make sure that he makes up for it during the wedding :)Congrats and all the best for the future!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): He is probably EXTREMELY nervous, he doesn't need you on top of it questioning whether he wants to. He isn't going to go to all the effort if he doesn't want to, and by telling him not to bother is kind of causing the drama he has asked you not to do.Chill out a bit, and encourage him to relax and just let things happen in their own good time. Enjoy being with your boyfriend and enjoy getting to know each other and each others families. He really wouldn't be going through all the nerves and anxiety of asking your parents to meet his family if he wasn't serious about you - so questioning him on whether he is or not in my opinion is a little bit disrespectful, he might be thinking what more can he do to show you he's serious. Just relax, let go a little bit of trying to control the situation and allow him to make the plans he needs to make.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): If I'm honest, he's feeling too pressured by everything, and now you on top of it.
I know you want to get married, but now doesn't seem the right time for him and, as soon as you get engaged, it's likely you'll be pushing for marriage soon too.
If it's marriage (soon) you want, he may not be for you. If it's him you want to marry, it may have to be put off until your lives are settled.
You don't say how long you've been together for..?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2015): you got a little carried away with the dream but the boyfriend has to deal with reality. Depending on your dads reaction your boyfriend could be cut down in flames, having to confess he's working but not on the payroll yet ( thats a no then) he doesnt know and cant guarantee his income and he's gonna run off with you, his daughter to the states to study wether dad limes it or not. So no wonder the boyfriend is feeling apprehensive because it isnt water tight yet. However he would have probably liked to hear that you have been telling your dad what a good husband your boyfriend would make and what fabulous future plans you have etc..perhaps sounding dad out a bit on your behalf, then you would have something to report rather than just hoping for the best..like dad said he would be delighted but needs to talk to you first..
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