A
female
age
26-29,
*ayytayy1997
writes:Im now writting to ask what to do in my family situation. My mom and dad are divorced and i currently live with my mom and my dad lives in a differnt state. The doctors have told my dad that he is diagnosed with cancer and complete kidney faluire and that he is limted in his time to live. I only see my dad 2 times a year. Im trying to decide if i should go stay with my dad until the time comes for him to pass or if i should stay with my mom and just stay in contact with my dad? All of my friends are here with my mom but all of my family are with my dad helping him. I would appricate if yall would be supportive and give me yalls oppinion of who i should live with for the time being?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Hi Tayytayy,
That sounds a/wonderful solution. And very considerate of your Mom and your sister to be so caring to ensure that you can share this special time with your Dad. It will mean a lot to your Dad. And sometimes it will hurt really bad to see your Dad trying his best but feeling more tired by the day.
Please take extra care of you too. Because your sweet happy face and you near will mean so much to your Dad.
Sometimes he will need silence and tranquility and not a lot of noise. But he will feel comforted knowing that you are near.
Most times he will be too tired to talk, but will feel peace because you are there.
Sometimes it will be enough for him to know he will see your face or hear your voice.
And inside his heart he will feel so blessed that he has a beloved daughter who wants to be there for him in his time of need.
When your Dad passes the grief will hurt very deeply. So try to read up on the stages of grief. But the fact that you are focused on being there for your Dad, and wanting to do the right thing, will give you great comfort, later, when you need that comfort.
It may be sad to mention this, but when your wonderful Dad has passed away you will be helped by having a project that will take you about a year to finish. Something that you can stop and start and do at your own pace entirely. But something that is yours, done when it is convenient to you.
Something that takes your skill, or even helps you learn a new skill, and focuses your energy elsewhere.
Something looking forward,not back. And something that will become a lasting memory for you of something you achieved (rather than what you lost) in the year afterwards. I have done this twice now, when I have lost someone dear. And my solutions are my own, to suit my circumstances. But it sure did get me over that first 12 months hurdle.Please take care. And my very best wishes to you.
A
female
reader, tayytayy1997 +, writes (9 June 2011):
tayytayy1997 is verified as being by the original poster of the question My sister lives very close to my dad like 10 minutes away my mom and i were talking about maybe me move in with her and her two boys for the time being and go vist my dad on a daily basis. Or even just go stay with my dad and my sister come over every day to make sure that things are going okay for both of us and my sister is always there for me to talk to
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (9 June 2011):
your Dad will be exausted. He must already be on a machine to do the work of his kidneys and sitting for long periods on the machine will tire him out a lot. But other than a kidney transplant from a suitable donor, his days are numbered.
Having his child with him will mean a lot to him. Though emotionally it will be hard on you. So make sure you have access to counselling if you feel the need.
When things get really bad your father may need palliative care. This is very hard to endure.
But it will mean so much to you in later years to know that you did everything possible to ensure your Dad was surrounded by love
My thoughts are with you at this very tough ti
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I'm so sorry for your situation. I think you should do what you feel is right. After your dad passes away one day, will you regret not staying with him? Or do you think you will regret not having the healthy image of your dad as how you remember him? I wish you all the best of luck in your decision
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Yes, you should stay with you're dad. As you have only one father and once he's gone he won't come back. You should spend as much time with him as possible. As you said you have a good relationship with him. It'll be good to be with him. You should stay with him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Is it practical for you to live with your father, as his health deteriorates? Who will be looking after you? You need to discuss this with both your parents. If you don't get to be with him anymore than the twice yearly visits, you will be very sad at the lost time. But being so young, it has to be practical for your mum's piece of mind. It is a very hard situation for you. If you don't get to spend more time with your dad, try calling him more often, write to him, get onto Skype, that way you can see each other without being there. I wish you all the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I think moving in with him would be a mistake for the time being, visit him routinely say every Sunday if you can, are there travel options like cheap buses, trains or cheap flights or is there family you can visit with.
Also consider if he is a good man to you as a father and what sort of goodbye you might feel is appropriate during the next few months or years depending on how lonmg he has.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): another option is to stay living with your mom but visit your dad more often.
you are only 13-15. If you move in with him while he's dying, can you handle, emotionally, seeing him go downhill? People can sense when their loved ones are distressed at seeing them incapacitated and it can make THEM or uncomfortable or awkward. Who is there (where your dad is) to help support you emotionally when you feel distressed at seeing him like this?
If you were an adult it would be different, then I'd say go be with your dad. But since you're so young, I don't know if you're emotionally mature or strong enough to handle this. Not trying to be rude, just pragmatic.
talk with your mom and other family and see what they think.
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A
female
reader, tayytayy1997 +, writes (9 June 2011):
tayytayy1997 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy relationship with my dad is that we are close and i love him
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 Just so you know where I'm coming from with this -- I visited my father as much as I could while he was dying of cancer, and was there for the week leading up to his death.
What kind of relationship do you have with your dad? Are you really close, or are the two visits a year kind of strained and obligatory?
If you move in to his home, you're not going to be seeing him at his best. He'll be in pain, perhaps losing some basic abilities like walking as the disease progresses. He may feel he's losing his dignity. Can you disregard the awful aspects of his illness and simply treasure the fact that you're taking advantage of moments you wouldn't otherwise have and won't have again? Or will you be overwhelmed by the image of a sick, dying man so that that's the only memory of him you end up with?
Talk it through with your mom. If you decide to go, make sure it's all right with him.
Bottom line: do whatever will leave you with the fewest regrets.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (9 June 2011):
 I'd say go be with your dad. You only have such limited time left with him, go enjoy it and have those great memories. You'll end up regretting it if you don't, at least that's what I would think.
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