A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm currently in somewhat of a friends with benefits situation with a guy I know. What I want is opinions on how this may make future potential guys look at me in the future.Guys, would you keep yourself away from a girl who had previously been in a fwb situation? Would you look down on her? Would you think she is a whore (pardon my language)?Girls, how have any fwb relationships worked out for you? Did you ever end up with the guy you were fwb with?I'm just looking for opinions here, don't be shy or refrain from being blunt to spare my feelingsThanks in advance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the wonderful responses. Definitely given me a lot to mentally chew over.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): (this is to female anon)
You describe a common pattern of behavior that is factual.
But you also added your own opinion about the reasons for people's feelings and actions. I was disagreeing with your opinion about the reasons.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011): It wasn't meant to be a 'shot' of any kind. I was simply describing a pattern I have seen here many times. Like I said, if you don't believe me, check out the 'Retro-active Jealousy' section. Many of the scenarios are exactly as I describe.
I'm giving the OP a heads up about what she can expect. Which is what she asked for.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Female anon said: "Cheap shot? Dumping on a woman and making her feel badly instead of facing and dealing with HIS feelings of inadequacy? Is that the cheap shot?"See, this is exactly what you don't understand. You only understand RJ as a form of insecurity. You don't accept the fact that there can be other reasons for feeling it. So logically it looks like nothing but insecurity through YOUR EYES. But not everyone shares your moral outlook and personal values on these subjects. I agree with you that it is judging your partner if you bash them for their past. People who do that need to either deal with it completely or they need to break up with their partner. But it is not judging people if you want to date a certain kind of person and not others. Everyone is allowed to date who they want. Even when their priorities exclude some people. That is not judging. That is looking for compatibility. Sexual history is something that people have complete and total control over. Your history did not happen to you, you chose every single part of it. (IMO rape and sexual abuse is totally separate from someone's "sexual history" in the moral sense. A virgin who gets raped is still a virgin IMO, etc.) If you accept the consequences of your choices and there will be no problem.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Touche anonymous female!This:"Many a man would overlook your history, thinking in the beginning, that he’d be okay with it. Eventually as his feelings for you grew, so too would his anguish about your past. The more he cares for you the less special he’s going to feel knowing he’s not your one and only.He may start questioning you about it, comparing recent with previous answers, and himself with previous lovers. He will pouncing on any discrepancy and no answer will be good enough because in his mind you’re probably sugar coating the truth to appease him.In an attempt to smooth things over you’ll tell him how ashamed you are of your past and how you felt used (even if you didn’t). This won’t help. It will only inflame him. He’ll see other men as laughing at him for getting for free what he had to work to earn. Even more so if there are certain acts you performed with others that you won’t perform now. Your boyfriend won’t see it as you learning from past mistakes and setting boundaries for yourself. He’ll see what another man had that he isn’t getting.He’ll be at odds trying to reconcile his love for you with his disgust at your casual attitude about sex (which he will claim to hold sacred) or your ‘lack of self respect in allowing [yourself] to be used by men’. Secretly he’ll think he’s inadequate but it’s far easier to accuse you of being a trollop than to admit he doesn’t think he measures up.And both your lives will be made a living hell."
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 June 2011):
 I think if you run into a guy (or two) who has a problem with it, they are not for you.
I'm sure some will and others won't.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 June 2011):
Honestly, it depends entirely on the guy and his own mentality at that time.
For example, my girlfriend is divorced. Whilst she was going through her divorce a few years ago, she slept with quite a few other guys. She once just asked me if I could accept her and not ask about her past because she was embarrassed. I said yes. We've not since talked about it, and we've been together for 2 years. We're perfectly happy, and in no way have I ever thought that her being with other men has been a problem. To this day, I don't know how many men she's been with, and I really don't care either. I'm just happy she's with me.
On the other hand, I know a guy who flipped out when his girlfriend admitted that she'd given a blowjob to another man a year before. She'd never even done anything with another guy, but he just gave her a hard time about it. She left him, of course. And there are other guys on this site who for whatever reason just can't handle a woman's past.
The difference here wasn't the women - it was the men. I'm a pretty secure person, and because of that I've never had a problem accepting a woman's past. I don't sit there worrying about ex's, or FWB, or anything like that. The guy who flipped out? He'd been cheated on by two other women, and suffered from paranoia.
In the end, it depends on the guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Cheap shot? Dumping on a woman and making her feel badly instead of facing and dealing with HIS feelings of inadequacy? Is that the cheap shot?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I would have a hard time viewing a woman who's been in a FWB situation as having potential for a serious relationship. I can't say for sure it would be a deal breaker in any given case, but it's a turn off for me. (as is a history of one night stands, group sex, etc.)
A significant percentage of men feel this way. I suppose it's possible that this has nothing to do with wanting a woman who has decent values, and all these men are just insecure. But, I highly doubt that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I fell for a woman who was my first new partner in many years (I divorced). I was not used to being with anyone "experienced", as my ex wife had only 1 partner before me, and I had about 3 others, all in HS. This new woman had all FWB relationships before me, 4 others according to her, and I admit I was a bit intimidated by it at first. I was overly cautious of the fact the relationship we were having started off very sexual, and I missed the loving aspects I was used to. TO make it worse, most of the guys she had FWB with were unavailable. Two were married. I didn't like that, but having several discussions with her about it, I relaized it just seemed to turn out that way, and she always found out later and ended the relationship. I also found out how selective she was about these other guys, and that they were not all about a booty call...several of them became good friends. I am still with her and proposed last weekend. She is an amazing woman, and I am glad she has had sexual and romantic relationships that make her the fun, exciting woman she is.I guess what I'm saying is, to answer your question, it would take a secure, mature guy to accept that you having FWB relationships is not a sign of promiscuity. It is a sign of a healthy sex drive and yearning to experience life. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't go on a bender and bang like 100 guys or do gangbangs, porn or anything...that might not go over so well. Nothing wrong with those either, you will just narrow your chances of finding an understanding guy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Female anon said: "Secretly he’ll think he’s inadequate but it’s far easier to accuse you of being a trollop than to admit he doesn’t think he measures up."
That's a cheap shot. It's a cheap shot taken against people who are usually in a pretty intense amount of pain already.
Many people suffer from retroactive jealousy because of their own personal sense of morality and not because of the baser emotions that sometimes are involved.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I would see it as a major negative strike against you when it comes to dating.
Sex outside committed relationships works fine for lots of people but I personally find it unattractive. I cannot see the act of sex with that person the same special way. Not while knowing they have been willing to do this thing with people who mean so much less to them. The girl might be a great person but there is a deep moral issue in play and I want to spend my life with someone who is more like me.
Yes I have always lived by the same values that I seek in my partner.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): If I had a dime for every post I've come across here from men chewed up about their girlfriend's sexual past, particularly from those involving friends with benefits, I could retire.
I can see the future….
Many a man would overlook your history, thinking in the beginning, that he’d be okay with it. Eventually as his feelings for you grew, so too would his anguish about your past. The more he cares for you the less special he’s going to feel knowing he’s not your one and only.
He may start questioning you about it, comparing recent with previous answers, and himself with previous lovers. He will pouncing on any discrepancy and no answer will be good enough because in his mind you’re probably sugar coating the truth to appease him.
In an attempt to smooth things over you’ll tell him how ashamed you are of your past and how you felt used (even if you didn’t). This won’t help. It will only inflame him. He’ll see other men as laughing at him for getting for free what he had to work to earn. Even more so if there are certain acts you performed with others that you won’t perform now. Your boyfriend won’t see it as you learning from past mistakes and setting boundaries for yourself. He’ll see what another man had that he isn’t getting.
He’ll be at odds trying to reconcile his love for you with his disgust at your casual attitude about sex (which he will claim to hold sacred) or your ‘lack of self respect in allowing [yourself] to be used by men’. Secretly he’ll think he’s inadequate but it’s far easier to accuse you of being a trollop than to admit he doesn’t think he measures up.
And both your lives will be made a living hell.
If you don’t believe me, check this site for questions about ‘Retroactive Jealousy’.
Proceed with caution.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 June 2011):
Honestly, yes. If it was more of a one off, and in the past so there was no contact between them then I would put it down to experience and judge her more on how she is today.
But, if the FWB was indicative of other past behaviour, or if she thought it was acceptable to remain friends with the FWB then there is no way I would see her as girlfriend material. Her having sex within committed exclusive relationships for me is one of the most important factors in whether or not I want to settle down with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): Look the right question to ask yourself is, how do I avoid this happening again. Just beacause fwb has been in the movies as something that looks glamourous - in real life it isn't. No if you stop now one day way into the future your potential love of your life will forget your past and not hold it against you. But if you contine life with these values then you risk permanent damage to your reputation and also miss out on hanging out with a better crowd - increasing your chances of meeting someone more respectable than this idiot so callec friend you have.
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male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 If I saw that I could trust her to be faithful then it wouldn't matter at all. The fact is that we all have sexual urges and in my opinion it is better to have one fwb then a bunch of one night stands.
I don't like it at all when people judge someone so much on their past anyway when it comes to relationships unless it is a major issue like abuse for example. Otherwise people don't deserve to be judged for every little thing they have done. I say this because I have not made the best choices in the past when it comes to girls so I see how nice it is for someone to not focus on it and realize how small it is in forming who you are as a person.
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female
reader, flowerpower810 +, writes (9 June 2011):
My friends with benifit worked out. To be honest it kind of fell into place he eventually started liking me but I'm the exception. First of all stop having sex with him. I wouldn't say that he thinks your a whore- he just thinks that he's getting laid think about this guy's can do stuff with girls and not even have any kind of feelings towards her (it's messed up I know) but your giving him the perks to a relationship without the relationship at all- so you must stop immediatly. After you've stoped having sex with him see how he reacts if he actually likes you, he'll stick around. If you really want to know talk to him, tell him that you like him and that you want something more than friends with benifits. If he wants that, he will. But please stop doing anything sexually with him until you get what you want. But, if he doesn't express any interest in you after you've stoped having sex- leave him alone he's just using you.
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male
reader, goalstopper +, writes (9 June 2011):
It would depend on if she is still seeing the guy when we are dating. It just shows that she thinks and wants sex just as much as us guys do.
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